Author Topic: I just joined  (Read 3215 times)

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Offline Betts

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I just joined
« on: September 24, 2017, 09:48:30 PM »
The future seems empty now. :cry:

Offline Karena

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Re: I just joined
« Reply #1 on: September 25, 2017, 05:07:12 PM »
 :hug:
Hi Betts. I lost my husband 6 years ago. The world felt empty my life completely pointless, future gone - and it remained so for a long time.Hiding out in the lair is a natural reaction too hurt -Thats our instinct and we need time to heal before we can begin to think about the future so staying there is fine for as long as you need too.

I have not filled the gap he left,  i expect i never will, but i have built a fence around it so i dont fall back into that pit.

This fence took some building over a long time, still has holes in it, and every so often a storm comes and blows big sections of it down -Some of it is hegerow grown naturally as in the real world.In the hegerow are flowers, and animals, that bring me solace i couldnt see them at first until a singing robin defied me to ignore it and brought the first brief moment of joy.

It is weaved together by a few people from my old life and more from my new life, including people from this site. pegged with a couple of new pastimes and a growing sense of purpose and direction
but staked firmly by my memorys of him, and my determination to live life for both of us.

Everyones hedge will be different but you will build one of your own,i hope coming here will be part of creating that, as it was for me.

Offline Betts

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Re: I just joined
« Reply #2 on: September 25, 2017, 09:03:57 PM »
Thank you Karena for your reply, the thought of having to live for years without him seems unbearable for me at the moment. I keep wondering how much longer i will have to live for without him.
My Dr has suggested I have counselling so I will give it a try .

Offline Karena

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Re: I just joined
« Reply #3 on: September 26, 2017, 09:26:13 PM »
Hi Betts I found counselling helped me to look at things in a different way,its not a miracle cure there isnt one,and the first couple of sessions were very difficult but it got better.Also being here,just being able to write as well as find people who do understand  made the world seem less lonely.
Noons of us knows how many years,even a day feels too long sometimes especially in the beginning of this journey so taking it a day at a time is difficult enough.getting out of bed putting a brush through your hair cooking a meal going too a shop are all things most people do without thought but are achievements for someone in the early days of grief,so rather than thinking of empty years try to focus on just getting through today. :hug:

Offline Emz2014

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Re: I just joined
« Reply #4 on: September 26, 2017, 09:30:48 PM »
I agree with Karena.  At the beginning don't think too far ahead and scare yourself, tackle one day at a time, or an hour by hour if need be on really bad days.  In time your strength will build.  Focus on smaller, shorter goals, baby steps and you will learn to cope.  You're not alone here   :hug: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Betts

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Re: I just joined
« Reply #5 on: September 26, 2017, 09:45:12 PM »
Thank you both for your replies, I found that I feel a bit more normal for a few hours if I keep busy. But at the moment I can suddenly burst in to tears and feel so depressed. But I have to try and keep it together as I have my 89 year old mother to care for, and if she sees me upset it worries here.

Offline Karena

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Re: I just joined
« Reply #6 on: September 28, 2017, 01:44:44 PM »
It is very much a roller coaster thing.Its natural your mum gets worried if your,e upset speaking as a mum none of us want our children to be upset we just want to make it better, like we could when it was a grazed knee or chicken pox but know there isnt any lotion or sticking plasters for this but at the same time just like she could when you were small she will probably be able to see right through your shield and still worry,so perhaps talking too her might help both of you a little. :hug:

Offline Betts

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Re: I just joined
« Reply #7 on: September 28, 2017, 04:59:38 PM »
Thanks Karena for your advice, i always found it difficult to talk to my mum it was always my dad I turned to when he was alive , even when I was a child. My mother never seemed to understand, but I do understand what you are saying, perhaps I could try to communicate with her a bit more, when my partner died all she could say was that she had to get over loosing my dad and other people have to get over loosing their partners. It's a case of the stiff upper lip with her, I don't get any sympathy or understanding!!

Offline Karena

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Re: I just joined
« Reply #8 on: September 29, 2017, 10:02:07 PM »
 :hug: my theory with my gran who was born in 1898 into a poor family,was their generation had such low life expectancy, she was one of 13 her dad re married in less than a year of her mum dying because he had to have a mother for them all and only 3 made it beyond 30. they lost so many not just in the wars but poor working conditions housing and healthcare it was something they normalised from a very early age,and for many,of course,they were told it was wrong to grieve because their loved one had gone too a better place  even sinful,where as now,whatever we believe about that,we are allowed to grieve.Your mum is younger but still old enough too have been influenced by it all.

Offline Betts

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Re: I just joined
« Reply #9 on: September 30, 2017, 04:28:28 PM »
Hi Karena,  yes I agree with what you have said, my mother is very much of the old school with her opinions.
On a brighter note I actually found myself laughing the other night whilst watching Doc Martin, then I felt guilty because I thought it meant I wasn't bothering that my partner had died. It's strange if I feel a bit more normal again it feels like I'm doing wrong. Does everyone feel like that or is it just me.

Offline Karena

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Re: I just joined
« Reply #10 on: October 01, 2017, 03:49:50 PM »
No its not just you I think it happens to most people.The feeling normal is probably because your brain is trying to give you a break its part of the roller coastering,feeling guilty for laughing,feeling guilty for a lot of things also seems to be common .It makes no sense but emotions are not always rational.Laughing is a release of emotion just as much as crying is and so important,I think if you try and reverse things and ask yourself would you want him to be in a constant state of misery if it was you who had died,of course not because no one wants that for someone they love.
Sometimes i do something dumb and laugh at myself because I know he would have laughed at me not in a cruel way though.We both would laugh at Doc martin,so it would be odd if I didn't now.
The whole thing is horrific enough,but making life even more difficult by not doing what we love to do,not laughing at stuff isn't going to help,. :hug:

Offline Betts

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Re: I just joined
« Reply #11 on: October 01, 2017, 04:21:07 PM »
Thanks Karena, that has put things in a perspective for me. My brain doesn't seem to reason these things out at the moment, so grateful to have your replies.  :hug:

Offline Emz2014

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Re: I just joined
« Reply #12 on: October 01, 2017, 08:41:18 PM »
It does feel so odd to have those moments, and laugh or enjoy something - it brings on a guilt or confused feeling, I remember that but it's also good for us.  :hug: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: I just joined
« Reply #13 on: October 01, 2017, 09:03:33 PM »
 :hug: its like plaiting fog sometimes.If you broke a leg you would know it hurts and where,,you would understand why and that you wouldn't be running anytime soon. You might be fed up of the pain,frustrated you cant move around as you did,but you would know it was just the leg.Emotional injury of grief  is less clear cut emotions more confusing and the whole thing  all prevailing,affecting every aspect of our life yet we are not as kind as we would be too ourselves with a Brocken leg,and instead of casts and crutches the pain is carried inside where others can't see it either.