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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Leaning to live with loss
« Last post by Karena on Today at 11:13:18 AM »
 :hug: IT is one of many difficulties -on the one hand we want continued support on the other we want to be treated as "normal" I do sometimes wonder if we inadvertantly send mixed messages about this -which doesnt help when it comes to them not knowing how to respond too us.
Saying "I,m ok" could be taken as literally i am ok - or no but i dont want to talk to you about it - so not suprisingly people dont know what to say next, maybe even feel rejected.
If you have a friend who you think is generally good at empathy then perhaps you could take the initiative, sugest a shopping trip, meet up for a coffee go for a walk -whatever you used to do before or something you enjoy in common.
As Emz says people will respond diffferently and new people will emerge perhaps some-one who was more of an aquintance in the past will step up -as happened to me - it doesnt mean dropping old friendships but some people are better at dealing with our grief, often because they have suffered a loss themselves.but sometimes because they are better at emotional intelligence. In a way that can give us the thing we want, support and a taste of being normal, through mixing with different people.
Its very early days for you yet which i know also sounds like a cliche -i found while part of me longed for company the other part wanted to be alone. Like Brian i had social anxiety anyway - I was more than happy to let my husband do the talking -so joining this and that wasnt really an option i did try but it just wasnt for me -so i have, over time learned to be alone without being lonely - sometimes i still feel it - I saw a couple yesterday all loved up and it hurt a bit - but its 7 years for me so i have had much longer to get used too this.I started out by setting challenges to myself to go back to the places we used to love, do some of the things we didnt get round too and even a couple of things he would have liked to do and i would have chosen to sit out on - my thinking was, if i couldnt see a life for myself, which i couldnt -  then i would live it for him.
being alone doesnt mean not having a life or a terrible future.I had to move house and the garden here has been a challenge but one which i have welcomed, somehow you are never alone in a garden. I,ve done online courses, travelled more than i ever imagined i could, but I also found true friends on here - somewhere to write, somewhere to connect to others, who not only understand through grief, but also over time find there is more in common, same interests same music etc. I have met some people others remain online friends but still very close and valuable friends.
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 :hug:Hi and welcome. Dont worry about not being used too the site its easy once you find your way round and even if you did post something in the wrong section we could move it for you.
I think the first few months we often do seem to manage well - acombination perhaps of shock, it taking time to sink in,andbeing busy sorting all the paperwork and stuff out.As Emz says it is a roller coaster journey so you feeling worse now is not something you are alone in doing.Sometimes i think we try to look too far ahead,and that makes it even more difficult to see a way through -so take it one day at a time, it really is still early days yet - even though i know it doesnt feel like it.
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Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / Re: introduce myself
« Last post by Emz2014 on May 20, 2018, 10:10:42 AM »
It's a rollercoaster journey, which we are never prepared for  :hug:  you're with people who understand here, talking and sharing how you're feeling can help. Xx
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Leaning to live with loss
« Last post by Emz2014 on May 20, 2018, 10:07:52 AM »
I think your words make loads of sense Brian  :hearts:

I think there is a mix of reasons, time moves differently for those around us, they get absorbed in their life and dont mean to stop messaging, some people think its all done and sorted with closure once the funeral has happened (having had no experience of loss themselves) and sometimes the only words some people can find are 'are you ok?', not knowing what to say.  And like Brian said, sometimes people are worried about upsetting us

I have some good close friends but one had never experienced close loss, and I found I couldnt talk to her about my loss after a few months as she seemed confused if I said I was down/upset, like she couldn't understand why I wasnt over it yet.  But I dont hold this against her, she genuinely doesnt understand having never lost anyone.  She is still caring in other ways and a good friend. I had one friend who could always see behind my mask, and kept asking (genuinely) how I was but she had experience of loss herself

I thankfully made some new friends who really understand, I havent lost old friends, those friendships are still valued but I know who I can share different aspects with. I have found over various times of my life I have been closer to various friends, which often relates to either their shared experience or a particular need from a friendship at the time  - that helps, if that makes sense? Xx
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Personally I think people don't continue to ask how you are etc because they think it will help you cope with things and having now been on both sides I remember when my old workmates wife died and after the first few weeks I too I thought to myself I will try not to keep him talking about his wife incase its upsetting him and after my wife died in January he has done the same with me. Its not that they don't care its probably because they don't want to upset you and to be honest i actually prefer them not to keep talking.....not because i want to forget my wife but because she would want me to cope and not fall to pieces which even though i am a bloke could quite easily do.......yep even big bikers have hearts to be broken....but I live alone in a very isolated area so have to rely on myself to keep going and looking after our pet dog and home..There isn't anything more i can do....
The shopping trips are quite bad for me not because they all know me but because I have bad anxiety so I try and go when its empty :smiley:
and plan it like a military campaign....and god help me if someone speaks and interrupts my plan lol  I have been known to fill my trolley and then when i got to the checkout there was crowds of people so i just abandoned the trolley and went home....bit sad but explains how anxiety can screw you up...my goal is to improve in time (I have to) but its like hell with out my wife and i hope she will be up there telling me to stop being a daft sod and get on with it. I know someone else who lost their wife and their experience could be more different than my own mainly due to them having a large close family and he seems to spend his time travelling the world and joining clubs for this and that and good on him if it helps him to continue living... its different for everyone so don't be upset if they don't or do ask how you are because they are probably concerned that they don't say the wrong thing if you know what I mean? I am more into art than words/talking so if this sounds like a load of junk ignore me .....its just me trying to help.
Bye and they say times a healer so lets see if its true.
Brian
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Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / introduce myself
« Last post by ellis on May 19, 2018, 08:29:05 PM »
haven't got used to using this site, my partner died august 2017, and up until xmas I felt I was coping pretty well, but since the new year i've really struggled I can't see a way through it
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Leaning to live with loss
« Last post by Lizmagnus on May 18, 2018, 09:40:33 PM »
How doesone learn to live with loss and people's reactions to that loss?

I lost my husband two months ago and though I have kept myself busy it is still hard to go out into the world not because I can't but I don't want people to feel embarassed, not knowing what to say, blanking me etc etc when I would like to be normal rather than invisible. The different reactions you get from people when they meet you in the street or in a shop has made me do my grocey shopping on a Sunday because there are young people who don't know me working in the supermarket (I live in a small market town) so I can be a normal person just for a little while.

Now that his funeral is over and the phone calls, cards, flowers, visits etc have died down so as to speak now there is just the loneliness of quiet evenings and weekends.  I feel sure that many who post (or read) on this forum are ging through the same things.  One day good and one day not so good.  Does anyone find getting a text saying "are you ok?"irritating when the last thing you are is OK? What are you suppsed to say other than yes I am ok because if you say no I am not ok but there is nothing they can do about it.  It seems that once people have sent their condolences/sympathy cards they feel that that is their "good deed" done and dusted. The same with Facebook posts - once people have put their messages on your FB page then that is it.  I find myself in a totally new situation in my life and although I do deal with it and understand to a certain degree, I do get fairly exasperated at times with so called "friends" just staying silent. Is it because they don't know what to do or say or just that they feel they have done their bit?

I realise that I am putting my own values onto others because that is not what I would do to a friend in the same situation and am also trying not to translate my grief into anger against others.  I know I can't change what has happened with my loss and i can only change how I deal with it but sometimes it is so hard to do. Sometimes putting thought to form helps and this has helped being able to write here this evening.  Has anyone else had a similar experience? 

Thank you for  reading my little ~ramble~ it has helped me being able to write it although it doesn't change the situation.



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Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / Re: Sorry, got to rant
« Last post by Karena on May 18, 2018, 11:32:42 AM »
 :hug: i hope it helps.
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Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / Re: families....!
« Last post by Karena on May 18, 2018, 11:31:24 AM »
 :hug: had the same thing last year.When my husband died I asked his son to collect and keep the ashes, i was mid house move and eveything was up in the air plus i was a wreck, and so he did but last year his children decided they would like to scatter them - to cut a long story short -somewhere that had meaning to them but little to me - so we agreed to split them - i have half, some are in the place and the girls have small amounts made into jewellery something i may do with some of my half in the future.

Your brother is right - there is no need to decide now no need to act now, you will know if the time is ever  right to change where he is and that is up to you and if where he is now is where he stays then that is fine too.
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 :hug:I agree with Emz you need to take time for yourself,even if its just 20 minutes a day sat in the bath or in the garden, or a quiet place where you can regroup and process whats happened in your own mind.Its very difficult to support some-one through their grief when your own is so raw as well.
So spending time here, creating an outlet for yourself, writing your own feelings down,will help you be stronger for your husband.

I lost interest in work too but i had to keep going and going through the motions,interest does return eventually but i think when it does, what comes with it is a new attitude,so many of us define ourselves through work. If you get introduced to some-one "what do you do for a living" is the standard question, and our answer puts us in  a slot - person of further interest or not so we put ourselves in there too. We may or may not enjoy the job, but what has happened brings it home too us that  life is horribly short so i need to do more, to make sure i live it and not just work my way through it. Some people change their job, or direction because of that, others change hours or location to free up more time - For now while everything else is going on, going through the motions is enough.  :hug:
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