Author Topic: Leaning to live with loss  (Read 1627 times)

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Offline LizM

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Leaning to live with loss
« on: May 18, 2018, 09:40:33 PM »
How doesone learn to live with loss and people's reactions to that loss?

I lost my husband two months ago and though I have kept myself busy it is still hard to go out into the world not because I can't but I don't want people to feel embarassed, not knowing what to say, blanking me etc etc when I would like to be normal rather than invisible. The different reactions you get from people when they meet you in the street or in a shop has made me do my grocey shopping on a Sunday because there are young people who don't know me working in the supermarket (I live in a small market town) so I can be a normal person just for a little while.

Now that his funeral is over and the phone calls, cards, flowers, visits etc have died down so as to speak now there is just the loneliness of quiet evenings and weekends.  I feel sure that many who post (or read) on this forum are ging through the same things.  One day good and one day not so good.  Does anyone find getting a text saying "are you ok?"irritating when the last thing you are is OK? What are you suppsed to say other than yes I am ok because if you say no I am not ok but there is nothing they can do about it.  It seems that once people have sent their condolences/sympathy cards they feel that that is their "good deed" done and dusted. The same with Facebook posts - once people have put their messages on your FB page then that is it.  I find myself in a totally new situation in my life and although I do deal with it and understand to a certain degree, I do get fairly exasperated at times with so called "friends" just staying silent. Is it because they don't know what to do or say or just that they feel they have done their bit?

I realise that I am putting my own values onto others because that is not what I would do to a friend in the same situation and am also trying not to translate my grief into anger against others.  I know I can't change what has happened with my loss and i can only change how I deal with it but sometimes it is so hard to do. Sometimes putting thought to form helps and this has helped being able to write here this evening.  Has anyone else had a similar experience? 

Thank you for  reading my little ~ramble~ it has helped me being able to write it although it doesn't change the situation.




Offline GHOST

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Re: Leaning to live with loss
« Reply #1 on: May 19, 2018, 10:07:35 PM »
P
« Last Edit: November 15, 2022, 06:01:04 PM by GHOST »

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Leaning to live with loss
« Reply #2 on: May 20, 2018, 10:07:52 AM »
I think your words make loads of sense Brian  :hearts:

I think there is a mix of reasons, time moves differently for those around us, they get absorbed in their life and dont mean to stop messaging, some people think its all done and sorted with closure once the funeral has happened (having had no experience of loss themselves) and sometimes the only words some people can find are 'are you ok?', not knowing what to say.  And like Brian said, sometimes people are worried about upsetting us

I have some good close friends but one had never experienced close loss, and I found I couldnt talk to her about my loss after a few months as she seemed confused if I said I was down/upset, like she couldn't understand why I wasnt over it yet.  But I dont hold this against her, she genuinely doesnt understand having never lost anyone.  She is still caring in other ways and a good friend. I had one friend who could always see behind my mask, and kept asking (genuinely) how I was but she had experience of loss herself

I thankfully made some new friends who really understand, I havent lost old friends, those friendships are still valued but I know who I can share different aspects with. I have found over various times of my life I have been closer to various friends, which often relates to either their shared experience or a particular need from a friendship at the time  - that helps, if that makes sense? Xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Leaning to live with loss
« Reply #3 on: May 21, 2018, 11:13:18 AM »
 :hug: IT is one of many difficulties -on the one hand we want continued support on the other we want to be treated as "normal" I do sometimes wonder if we inadvertantly send mixed messages about this -which doesnt help when it comes to them not knowing how to respond too us.
Saying "I,m ok" could be taken as literally i am ok - or no but i dont want to talk to you about it - so not suprisingly people dont know what to say next, maybe even feel rejected.
If you have a friend who you think is generally good at empathy then perhaps you could take the initiative, sugest a shopping trip, meet up for a coffee go for a walk -whatever you used to do before or something you enjoy in common.
As Emz says people will respond diffferently and new people will emerge perhaps some-one who was more of an aquintance in the past will step up -as happened to me - it doesnt mean dropping old friendships but some people are better at dealing with our grief, often because they have suffered a loss themselves.but sometimes because they are better at emotional intelligence. In a way that can give us the thing we want, support and a taste of being normal, through mixing with different people.
Its very early days for you yet which i know also sounds like a cliche -i found while part of me longed for company the other part wanted to be alone. Like Brian i had social anxiety anyway - I was more than happy to let my husband do the talking -so joining this and that wasnt really an option i did try but it just wasnt for me -so i have, over time learned to be alone without being lonely - sometimes i still feel it - I saw a couple yesterday all loved up and it hurt a bit - but its 7 years for me so i have had much longer to get used too this.I started out by setting challenges to myself to go back to the places we used to love, do some of the things we didnt get round too and even a couple of things he would have liked to do and i would have chosen to sit out on - my thinking was, if i couldnt see a life for myself, which i couldnt -  then i would live it for him.
being alone doesnt mean not having a life or a terrible future.I had to move house and the garden here has been a challenge but one which i have welcomed, somehow you are never alone in a garden. I,ve done online courses, travelled more than i ever imagined i could, but I also found true friends on here - somewhere to write, somewhere to connect to others, who not only understand through grief, but also over time find there is more in common, same interests same music etc. I have met some people others remain online friends but still very close and valuable friends.

Offline LizM

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Re: Leaning to live with loss
« Reply #4 on: May 21, 2018, 06:54:44 PM »
Good evening.  I just wanted to pop in briefly to thank you for your kind and thoughtful out responses.  I will come back to respond individually but I didn't want anyone to think I was being rude by not acknowledging.  I am usually fairly busy during the weekdays as have been left with a business to run on top of the usual things, and I was on a bit of a low the other evening when perhaps I should have written that in a word document and sat on my hands rather than hitting the post button!

I will be back soon but in the meantime thank you again for your kind responses.

Liz

Offline Karena

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Re: Leaning to live with loss
« Reply #5 on: May 22, 2018, 11:23:55 AM »
 :hug: whenever you are ready Liz.- The idea of the forum is to express grief and the things around it,so dont worry about saying how you feel whatever that is, including having a rant if you want too (obviousely within the bounds of not potentially being offensive to others here).
When i first found this site i struggled to see the point of the laughing emojie i even briefly thought it was inaapropriate certainly not something i would use - but soon discovered that its not just about our grief and the big things created by it, but the little things too - just to chat, to tell something funny or stupid that that happened today, something interesting or boring we are doing, what to cook for tea -just that everyday general stuff that is also often missing from our lives at this time.