Author Topic: Living in domestic abuse situation since my Dad died  (Read 1701 times)

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Offline sadboy

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Living in domestic abuse situation since my Dad died
« on: September 25, 2018, 10:56:20 PM »
Since my Dad died on August 15 I've been living with my Mum trying to help her because she has nobody else. She is closed off from the world and she has full control over her only friendships (None of them are really let into her life). So it all falls to me, even though two years ago I moved out of home and escaped her following an abusive childhood at her hands. Since Dad died I have organised his funeral, informed all his family and friends who my Mum did not want to speak to, I collected his belongings on my own and went to see him in the funeral home when she couldn't handle it. I am at home every day, doing as much washing up and cleaning as possible, dealing with most phonecalls, helping with any problem my Mum encounters at the drop of a hat...while she is able to recognise it when I have been helpful, it's all forgotten in the overall context of ongoing relations with her. She subjects me to threats (today was "Ill jump out the window and kill myself", as well as "I'm very unwell and likely to just have to go to bed from now on"). Well there was nothing wrong with her at all. Despite eveeything I do and how supportive I am, she can only see negatives ("Don't eat your meal in here" : "The last time you were in the car you left the light on") And she says these things while I am doing other jobs in front of her. Her tone about the light in the car was almost triumphant today (while I was doing her washing up), and when I pointed this out (I did also say sorry as I know leaving the light on can run down the battery), she said "Im going to have to cut off all contact with you now as this is impossible with you now " I said "It's not up to you to cut off contact with me, as it's just not that way round, sorry!". This clearly had an impact but still she continued to shout, so I said well I can leave here tonight then. Then she said I am always making threats (when she is the one who always does that). What tends to happen is when she is being unpleasant to me, and I point it out, she then goes mad and makes her various threats. That's how it's always been. She did calm down finally after I reminded her of various things Ive done over the past month, starting with organising the funeral. I said "We share this hell. You don't own it. Im here by your side helping u". So then she went all quiet and got a cup of tea and said she had a couple of anecdotes from her day to tell me! Now that's all very well but I'll get up tomorrow and we'll start this all over again.

Offline Karena

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Re: Living in domestic abuse situation since my Dad died
« Reply #1 on: September 26, 2018, 01:31:41 PM »
 :hug: It seems your mum can only communicate through a tirade of complaints except when it suits her - its really difficult to say, not knowing her at all, but i do wonder whether this is due to mental helth problems she has had for a long time, that have gone undiagnosed and untreated -but i dont see how you can force the issue now - you cant make her see a doctor and he/she cant tell you anything thats in her records.yet it seems that professional help could make a difference - how long can you go on putting up with this - also perhaps she is worse right now because she is trying to manipulate you into moving back in - do you think grief has made her worse .

I said before i think its a bad idea for you to move in, in these circumstance,s you need space and time away from her and you are not neglecting her but if you are not able to care for yourself including having that time out then you cant take care of her anyway - so you must think of yourself too.

 Maybe you could have a chat with your own GP and he can advise you as to whether he can think of a course of action - or maybe you can change your own situation in a way which will force a change for her too - so for example  would she be entitled to some outside carers on a couple of days if youre at work or have other things on that mean you cant be there.
If you think this is just down to her manipulating and attention seeking then i think the only way forward is to start and withdraw some of that help gradually over time, there are some tasks that may genuinley be difficult for her to do physically and others less so.

No doubt you will be met with more complaints but is she says you didnt do the washing up - then say sorry i didnt realise you hadnt done it -but  i will help you to do it now do you want to wash or dry  -not just go and do it for her, and even harder I,m no psychlogist, but could it be an idea to maybe resist the temptation to remind her of all that you have done,because if she thinks you sound like a martyr to her cause she will continually view you that way and it becomes self perpetuating.
Its really hard i know not to spring to your own defence but maybe just change the subject or give a reply she cant argue with - did i forget to do that, silly me ,I,m sorry about that  - did you see the news about .... ( or any other change of subject) If she doesnt get a rise out of you maybe she will have to turn to nicer subjects of conversation without the need for the arguments first.

Offline sadboy

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Re: Living in domestic abuse situation since my Dad died
« Reply #2 on: September 27, 2018, 08:02:47 PM »
Thank you, that's all great advice and great ideas Karena.
Indeed there is not much she can't actually do for herself - she is much stronger than me physically - but she got used to being "helpless" because my Dad was prepared to wait on her hand and foot and take all of her shouting & screaming and not complain. This is quite a big problem he has left me with, but nonetheless I fully respect his need to slip away when he did, as he was definitely suffering to an inhumane degree in the hospital. I know my Dad very well and I know he decided that himself. I am strangely pleased for him as this was one thing in his life he could control and decide on without seeking anyones permission. In contrast, mum has twice told me she is angry with my dad (her husband) for leaving her in "this situation" (in this context the situation where she can no longer continually plead helplessness).

Offline Karena

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Re: Living in domestic abuse situation since my Dad died
« Reply #3 on: September 28, 2018, 12:05:57 PM »
It is a very difficult position for you -maybe if she could see doing something for herself in terms of it being an achievement she would start to do more - so if you go round and she has tidied something - anything at all,  just saying  something like it looks nice in here today, might push her to do a bit more.It cant be good for her physical health to do nothing at all - but at the same time to suddenly start running around might not be a good idea either so anything at all - one thing a day to start with might work - I assume as you left the light on in her car you can drive it - in which case going somewhere nice together occasionally, park seaside - whatever is accessible to you - and doing short, flat level walks might help - certainly a bit of fresh air makes people feel more positive.If she starts to enjoy something like that then maybe you can subtly point out the correlation between the time spent doing something pleasant together  being more likely -as opposed to you spending all that time doing the domestic chores she could potentially do herself.  :hug:

Offline sadboy

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Re: Living in domestic abuse situation since my Dad died
« Reply #4 on: October 01, 2018, 08:31:32 AM »
Thank you again, lots to consider.
Well yesterday morning I packed a bag and left...could take no more. Checked into some hotel 20 miles away, at least it's peaceful although daunting being alone.

Offline Karena

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Re: Living in domestic abuse situation since my Dad died
« Reply #5 on: October 01, 2018, 12:16:50 PM »
perhaps your focus now needs to be on getting yourself some more permanant accomodation. :hug: