Author Topic: Hello  (Read 1239 times)

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Offline Sallie22

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Hello
« on: November 14, 2018, 12:07:31 AM »
Hi, I'm new to this site. My lovely husband passed away last July, life is extremely hard without him. Mindwise I'm not in a good place. Since losing my husband people ask how I am , basically I don't know how I'm feeling. I do have thoughts where I don't want to be here (life).  I just miss my husband so very much. Life is so unfair at  times. Is this part grieving  X

Offline Karena

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Re: Hello
« Reply #1 on: November 14, 2018, 11:58:22 AM »
Hi Sally - sending you a warm welcome  :hug: It is 7 years since i lost my husband but i was in the same place you are now for a long time and it isnt unusual at all to feel like that.Its a roller coaster journey and everyone is different but guilt, depression and anger are things that can affect us all in different ways and at different times.

First i would say if you think you might take the feeling further please ring the samaritans - you would not be the first to do so on this site,they also have more than phone help now, so if you find telephoning difficult they have e-mail support and also depending on where you live area offices which offer different types of suport depending on their local need.

second if this continues your GP may be able to help - mine arranged bereavement counselling - you could also try cruse for that.

But also remember that this is a normal part of grieving and some days or periods of time are worse than others and that it is still early days for you - which i know people outside who have not been through this  dont understand - because they talk as though the funeral is "closure" - and after a year of mourning they seem to think grief has a sell by date and it just turns itself off and everything goes back to normal - it doesnt.
But having said that - the pain does fade from agony to something that hits us with that agony every so often  but most of the time is a chronic ache that we learn to live with.
This time of year as well i still find really difficult - i have SAD but while he was alive it wasnt so bad - the darkness had lights in it - a welcome hug, nights in front of the fire - all of which is now missing, but you dont need to have SAD to feel increased depression as the nights close in and the triggers -like shops fill of christmas stuff when you least want to even consider christmas.

I still miss my husband every day - i know i always will - but there are some ways we can help ourselves to cope with this new unwanted life - if you are a social kind of person then maintaining  social contacts and establishing new ones is important - the way my mum did that when she became widowed was by doing classes - art, architecture, familly history type stuff -and she joined a choir - things she was interested in and because that common interest is a great ice breaker when you dont feel confident about meeting new people in more general situations .I dont have access to that and work restricts the time available anyway - but did also do that in a sense but with free online courses.
 
I decided very early on i was going to try and live my life for us both and create my own memorial too him so i went back to our favourite places and planted wild daffodils -it meant i had to force myself to go too those places that were happy and now would be full of pain -it meant i had to plan the logistics which occupied my mind  and step out of what had become a very tiny comfort zone to do that.I had to move house so i replicated the garden we had built together - starting by digging a pond - which physically wore me out - and that also helped - so physical excercise -even though its often the last thing you feel like doing does help counteract depression.
 The real breakthrough though was a moment in the garden when i was busy doing something and not really thinking about it - just in a kind of brain fog but suddenly became aware of a robin singing his heart out -defying me to ignore him - the sun was on my back and here was this little creature putting every effort in to being alive.It was only a brief moment but it lasted long enough to make me realise i did want to live -it didnt take long for the clouds to roll back in - and i was constantly trying to outrun them - they were always just over my shoulder when i did - but when they did catch up i held on too that moment in my mind knowing that the clouds would not be forever becasue they had cleared then and so they could do so again.

Since then i have been back to those places and seen the daffodils raise their heads to the sun,in spring - something he always looked for ward to seeing - and i have been to new ones - done new things that he would have enjoyed and i might have chosen to sit out on - and some of the things we planned but didnt get round too - because the loss is painful enough but we then punish ourselves even more by not doing things we loved to do because we fear we cannot still do them without the other one. - but in reality i feel closer too him when i do them.

So the last of those things i listed at the top, which is written about in grief theory, was acceptance -  but for me that isnt how it was interpreted and all about moving on, cutting the bond between us or leaving him behind - but about accepting that grief is something that doesnt have a sell by date or end , that it can knock you sideways when you least expect it, but it does change and we can live with it - and also accepting that even though he is no longer physically here he will always be with me in other ways - and thats ok - societys idea that somehow we have to forget, move on,cut them out of our lives,  is what is wrong - not how we feel.
Theory is not emotion and emotion is different for us all -we are not just figures in a text book.

So use this place to write down your feelings - that helped me a lot because no-one here will criticise them or say you are doing things wrong - and we do also have a general chat section because sometimes it isnt just the big stuff we miss but some-one to share those smaller things - what happened in our day - what we are havng for tea, our pets or gardening issues - all those general things that were part of the relationships we had with those we have lost.
When i first came here i thought the laughing emojie was a bit off - i didnt expect to ever use it - but there were wiser people here  who placed it  because i have and i do use it With the shared grief there is also friendship and we find grief is not the only thing we have in common - :hug: