Author Topic: Mother in Law utterly lacking in understanding  (Read 2375 times)

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Offline Kate3027

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Mother in Law utterly lacking in understanding
« on: January 18, 2018, 09:09:40 PM »
After my dad died in September of last year my in laws proved themselves to be emotionally utterly useless. Two days after the funeral we fle wback home and they came to support us that weekend. After being greeted with 'the worst is over now you can move on' I was expected to be happy and jump around and go out on outings for the kids. It was not expected that I take time for myself, withdraw if need be and heaven forbid, show emotion. I was mad at them for a long time.

Then came Christmas and, as I said in a post from the other day, 7 days in their company and the subject wasn't mentioned once, No real how are you, no questions below the surface, and when I did dare to broach the subject, the subject was then changed for me. It wasnt even uncomfortable until the subject was changed, I'd simply mentioned a happy memory which was connected to the conversation we were having. So that was dreadful.

The other day I had a really bad, sad, generally rubbish day and MIL wrote me a message about something else and asked how I was. I said not great today, but I'm still here. She said, why not great? So I said, I'm still coming to terms with it being  new year that my dad will never live it, some days are harder than others and I'm still trying to come to terms with it all. In response to that she simply didn't respond, she changed the subject, didn't engage with the subject, she literally wrote something else about something else as if I had never written what I had written.

I really don't understand, her own mother died two years ago, it is not as if she has not faced loss, but it feels as though she will not face this and will not face me. I am genuinely hurt by her lack of care and sentiment and it is starting to create a wedge. I understand that a lot of people simply don't know what to say and so would rather say nothing, but it seems as though she has been saying nothing since the moment he died and is continuing to do so, as shown in the moments she has all but asked me "but wat a minute, i don't understand why you're still sad?".

They're coming to visit us in a few weeks and I am dreading it. I've thought about sitting down and trying to have a chat, but I get so emotional about it that I cannot speak, I can only sob. It is so raw it may has well have happened yesterday, I don't know how I can sit her down and make her understand that, when surely the fact that I can't do that speaks volumes as to what I am actually feeling.

Gah, very frustrated and just wanted to get it out there.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Mother in Law utterly lacking in understanding
« Reply #1 on: January 18, 2018, 10:44:02 PM »
Its a tough one, I still struggle to cope with my partners dad after an insensitive comment shortly after I lost my dad

I think sometimes in the early stages its not worth challenging people within the family  - there may be many reasons why she cannot or will not show emotion or compassion. Are there any other scenarios where they act like this? Is it their general approach/belief?   I know alot of people think all is fine after a funeral - you could consider what was her relationship like with her mother to try and gain some insight

Personally I think that in the fragile state it's hard and we have to work through whether challenging may help us or drive a further distance between you.  When challenging someone we cannot fully predict their reaction, she may or may not understand still.  Sometimes the energy is best invested in ourselves, until we're strong enough xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Kate3027

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Re: Mother in Law utterly lacking in understanding
« Reply #2 on: January 19, 2018, 09:24:06 AM »
Thank you Emz.

I think you're right, it is better to let it lie and invest teh energy in myself. I think in many sceanrios these days I am sometimes able to take a step back and say to myself, ' Are you really mad because of what they have done, or because you are generally angry and this is your current outlet?' I think this might be one of those cases in many ways, but she unwittingly puts herself in the line of fire again and again in many ways by repeatedly showing no compassion.

I think I mainly find it shocking because I lie abroad and the group of individuals who I can turn to for support here is very small, I always thought I would be able to add her to that group of individuals and now I realise I can't, but I don't realy give up the hope that I might be able to so in hoping I set myself up for disappointment over and over. I know I need to let it go, but I find it hard to behave normally when underneath a part of me wans to shout "don't you realise my dad died? Don't you remember?". That's the irrationally angry part of me.

She had a good relationship with her mother, but her mother was an old lady and she herself is 60. I don't really know how she grieved, I'd describe my father in law as lacking in emotional intelligence so I don't imagine he was much help (harsh as that sounds). The funny ting is she said to my husband on the phone that she doesn't know how you'd ever get over losing your father at a (relatively) young as (I'm 31), so somewhere she realises.

It has been a rough week, for whatever reason. I thought by Friday I would be feeling more positive, but I dropped the kids off this morning, got back in the car and burst into tears.

Still I feel like I'm withdrawing from her. If she calls or messages I don't want to (or don't) answer. She rarely does though. You're supposed to surround yourself by supportive people when you are grieving, be kind to yourself and be with people who understand or at least make you feel a little lighter. She does none of that, but then she also happens to be family. it's difficult. As you said initially, I worry that I will struggle in the months and years to come because I can't forget how little she has helped and how little understanding and compassion she has shown. Some things you simply don't forget.

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Mother in Law utterly lacking in understanding
« Reply #3 on: January 22, 2018, 08:51:47 PM »
Hi

I understand what you are feeling, I lost my Mum in August, I was and still am utterly broken, my siblings not so much, my sister in particular when I try and say how am feeling she us like it's done she has gone get over it, I torture myself that I am the odd one but in truth I think what you are feeling us perfectly natural, sadly you can't make people understand what you feel or think, and people hurt you, not on purpose am sure, but no one is in your head and feels like you do, I remember two weeks ago screaming at my husband, don't you realise my Mum is dead, and of course he does, but he,nor anyone else could give me what I need, this site has been wonderful in letting me actually say what I feel and allows me to be more tolerant of those who don't really get it, if I gave you a list of remarks my brother made you would be astonished, it was her time, we have to move on.... but slowly thanks to being able to express myself on here I tolerate what they say. I hope you do too, it's hard enough for you as it is

Offline Karena

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Re: Mother in Law utterly lacking in understanding
« Reply #4 on: January 23, 2018, 02:56:05 PM »
 :hug:The fact she recognises that it must be difficult for you, doesnt make her any better able to know how too help.
I wonder whether your father in laws lack of emotional intelligence or because her parents were of the generation where you couldnt express emotions a behaviour she has learned from them  meant that she was also not able to grieve for her mum -when in fact because of that supression of emotion she either thinks its correct behaviour and its her dutuy to continue to pass it down or alternativiely because she is afraid that any emotional dialogue between the two of you might create emotional reactions in herself which she has not allowed herself to have .
Does that make any sense.?
I think many of us here have found that people we imagined we could lean on have not been able to offer that support, but it does come from others who step forward of from sharing somewhere like this what we cant express too those physically around us.

Offline Kate3027

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Re: Mother in Law utterly lacking in understanding
« Reply #5 on: January 23, 2018, 07:57:27 PM »
Thank you Twinkle, thank you Karena. Your messages offer so much support and I do think you're right; at least with this forum I have a way of sharing and expressing whatever it is I am feeling.

I talked about my mother in law to my husband and I mentioned a lot of the things that you said Karena (before having read your message) and he agreed that a lot of that makes sense. She's either emotionally suppressed or emotionally unable. She had four sons and lived in a house with a lot of testosterone for many years until they wnt to university and moved out, I think in many ways she got used to not showing an emotional "feminine" side.

Twinkle, my brother is the same. He literally isn't grieving. I asked him if he thought it might bite him in the ass one day and he thinks not, he is quite literally fine so I really know how it feels to  think you're the only one feeling like this.

Thanks again for your support xxx

Offline Karena

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Re: Mother in Law utterly lacking in understanding
« Reply #6 on: January 24, 2018, 03:00:21 PM »
 :hug:your brothers may find they are both wrong in the end, - but this is here and now and you are among friends who will be here as long as you need us.

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Mother in Law utterly lacking in understanding
« Reply #7 on: January 24, 2018, 05:47:18 PM »
I understand I truly do, I kept thinking my brother and one other sister would be sorry, and it would hit them, it has not, and I am angry that those I thought would share my pain, but they don't, yet people on here do understand, and slowly but surely I am finding it the people who do care, who do understand, friends and people I wouldn't expect  have stepped up, I met two of them on Sunday, Mums friends and my friend from years ago, it was lovely, and I genuinally did forget the remarks people made and I felt a little easier that others understand and will allow you to be okay one second and in bits the next,  it's natural.I really do believe that the majority of people are not inherently nasty, some say things without thinking, or indeed have the capacity, at that time, to feel what you do, but like I said you will find the people who understand, and this site will always be here for you x