Hi Aure
I can only really repeat what Sandra61 has said.
I have been widowed twice and the first time i was also a lot younger - We were not officially married -engaged and had a ring blessing ceremony in the hospital but sadly the registrar wasnt able to get it organised to make it legal in time despite the best efforts of the hospital staff.
With his famiilys agreement i changed my name too his by deed poll as a way of honoring him really maybe that is something you might like to consider in the future.. His familly will also be grieving of course but maybe in time if you ask them they might like the idea.
Years later when i married Keith, he was happy for me to keep Marks name , and i have double barrelled it with his (which makes me sound a lot posher than i am).
As Sandra says, dont blame yourself - guilt is a part of this horrendous journey and we will all find a way to hold ourselves responsible - all those should have done or should have said something different voices in our heads go round and round and in the end get us no-where - Accidents do happen and there is no way you could have known which direction to look in.
After Mark died i filled my life with college - i went back to finish a course i had started as i had promised him i would and then just carried on doing more and more -I think probably too much which meant i hadnt procesed the grief very well at all.
Keith had lost his wife to cancer around the same time and we talked too each other - there was no where like this to come and no-one else to talk too who really understood and yes people saying move on etc etc then not understanding that it isnt so simple as they imagine .
That friendship was ther a long time before either of us realised it had become something more -and even then we were both afraid of being hurt again - knowing that one of us would be -but love does find a way and so we married.
When he also died i was lost - the one person i could talk too had gone there was no activity to bury my head in,boring job etc etc -i did have our dog Ben then though, and i was at work Keith was retired - so he was the pack leader as far as Ben was concerned.
Both me and Ben were grieveing but i had to become pack leader and make that adjustment with a dog who was already quite elderly - but we did it eventually.
Ben was the one thing that got me out of bed - he had to be fed he had to be walked etc.
Keith did the cooking - i knew how to cook but in all honesty i couldnt be bothered cooking for myself - i didnt think i was worth making the effort for -
Then there was all the DIY stuff - he was a mechanic before going into teaching and now i had to somehow learn, and keep our crumbling old campervan on the road because we had spent so many happy times in it, i had lost my home i couldnt afford it on just my wage but to then lose the van as well would have been unthinkable.
The list was endless of things i had to learn to do on my own, i am still learning - but all the time of doing so, i am talking too him in my head almost as if he is there watching - probably laughing at some of my basic errors, cringing when i do something and hurt myself, but still always there, the voice in my head that says try again - try it this way -you can do it - and really that applies to everything i do not just practical tasks.
I did decide that i would live my life for him - and that came from a horrid place of thinking i had nothing to live for, for myself, but that has changed now too - i needed the confidence living for him brought me and to get myself over or round the barriers to doing it, in order to live for myself as well.
-Mark has never been forgotten either and in the same way i think of him as still being some-one important in my life - My name now represents two people who i have had the privalege of having been loved by in my life, and that love is what has shaped me into who i am and will shape me into who i will become in the future
The bonds we form with people change when they die, but they never have to be brocken, you never have to stop loving them,and that doesnt mean there will never be a space for some-one else, i never imagine there would be after Mark, but only you will know if that person comes into your life, no one else.
Anger is also a natural thing to feel - how can we not be angry when our future has been taken away like that, i didnt deal well with that - i turn anger onto myself rather than others which is also an unhealthy thing to do, but there are ways you can get rid of some of it without being rude to people who are tryying to help.
While i have been on this site i have known people who drove out to remote places and screamed, and people who saved their glass then took it to recycling bins and smashed the glass loudly (but safely) - i discovered eventually, walking very quickly up a hill used so much energy there was none left for anger - having a young dog is the perfect excuse for that.
So be the mad lady with the dog - it is fine to do that and to be her, it doesnt mean you wont become some-one else later, or that it is all you will be even if she remains with you.
As the others said take one day at a time - its like a roller coaster some will be horrendous then in time some will be a bit better before you hit a dip again - so you need to let that happen, be glad of the better days and treasure them in order to get you through the worst ones and be kind too yourself, not impatient when you feel you are going backwards.