Author Topic: my granddaughter is struggling with her grief  (Read 1456 times)

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Offline johnj102

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my granddaughter is struggling with her grief
« on: February 19, 2019, 06:48:28 AM »
I lost my daughter, aged 51, 8 weeks ago through cancer. I live in a different country to her and because of that and other reasons we didn’t keep in touch as much as we would have if we had lived near to each other. I think that my coping with this loss has been eased because of this. The problem I have is my granddaughter, aged 23 is hurting so much. They were best friends as well as being Mom/daughter. They look alike, think alike. The whole house that my granddaughter still lives in is absolutely covered in her Moms touch. She mentioned yesterday that she would rather not live than live with the pain that she’s going through and being the normally strong person she is, it concerns me. She doesn’t feel inclined to contact any bereavement counsellors. What can I do?

Offline Karena

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Re: my granddaughter is struggling with her grief
« Reply #1 on: February 19, 2019, 12:10:11 PM »
Hi Johnj and welcome but so sorry for the loss of your daughter.Its early days and you may not be feeling the full effects grief can have yourself yet and as you say for your grandaughter, who is so young to be expereincing this loss of her mum, the daily contact and being in the house with a great big hole where her mum should be is going to be really hard.You dont say whether she is on her own or has other friends/familly around.What often happens is that the support from others dwindles after so long s people go back too their daily lives or assume that there is an acceptable period of grief after which you go back to normal too.In reality the truth is we learn to live with it rather than "get over it"
So first and foremost she is talking to you and it is really important that you maintain that.My husband died and i was also not inclined to talk to a bereavement counsellor but in the end i did because what did i have to lose - but also -again it is early days so perhaps something she might consider later on. Initially - even when it is something like cancer when we know the outcome in advance, it is a shock because in order to just function and be as strong as we can for them somewhere in the back of our mind there is another voice which says its a mistake or there will be a miracle -when that doesnt happen then the shock is something which perhaps we wernt expecting.
 
I think many of us here know about the feeling of life being pointless and not wanting to be here after losing some-one so close, and that does pass but it takes a long time and its a roller coaster ride of ups and downs.
One of the things you can do is give her something to focus on  - that can be something involving the person we lost but in a way which evokes the memorys of their life rather than their death - which funerals, even those which are named "celebrations of a life" tend by nature of their purpose to not be.
So we need to continue celebrating that life and that can then become a focus point of our own - a reason to go on.

When my husband died i planted wild daffodills in our favourite places - because he was looking forward to daffodills coming out in our garden and didnt get to see it - so we had them at the funeral but i wanted something more lasting and as i had to move it wasnt going to be the ones in our garden. It meant i had to plan - where to source the bulbs which places to go, how to get there,and not just the practicallities but how to overcome the thought that going back to places without him would be too painful to bear - as it turned out overcoming that was the key because i ended up feeling closer too him in those places.
I then went on to do some of the things he wanted to do but didnt get chance - all this was pushing me forward and out of the thought pattern that there was no point being here  - the point became being his eyes on the world and being here for him.  His name wasnt on the daffodills but they would bring pleasure to others in the future as he did in his life. -

What you do is of course personal - some people do physical challenges things like run the "race for life" - That means you have to go out and do some training and again the focus is on doing it to honor some-one else but in doing so we can learn to live again ourselves.
So maybe if you can think of something and get your grandaughter on side - with the physical challenge maybe ask her to do it but sponsor her and be there at the finish line - or think of something you can do together 
All of us know our mums all our lives but maybe only hear her view of her life before we were born - so by visiting the past from a different viewpoint maybe we can get to know them better and see the positive things about them that they may have skipped over so one idea might be for the two of you to you plan a holiday together -somewhere her mum loved, so you go to honor her, but its also a great opportunity to talk about her the funny things she did as a child - what she was like when she was 23 things that will eventually make her life greater in your minds, than her loss.

The main thing is dont let her slip away - if she doesnt ring you, then ring her. let her know she can ring day or night whatever time.
Can you access whatsapp - thats a great way of communicating and not time /cost constrained in the same way a phone call can be. you can message,call and video call over the internet. - so at anytime you can send her a message which will let her know youre still there and still with her, even if she is in the middle of something and cant reply or answer the phone and at the other end of the scale i  read a bedtime story too my grandaughter last night -she is living in south africa and 3 years old so even though its only really the last two visits she rememebers about me actually being present, we have that bond - your grandaughter is  too old for bedtime stories - but theyre not just stories, theyre  memories of time spent together which can be replaced by conversations later and if its not possible physically then whats app is the next best thing.

Also without being actually needy, try and  find gentle ways to help her see that you need her, as a feeling of not being needed can add to the sense of there  being no point being here, and that there are of course ways in which you share her grief - how we cope with it differs but that doesnt mean we dont share it, so she needs to know that you do. 

Is she in the UK ? - If she really isnt coping and needs more help than you can provide - there are some contact details from the link on the main page you can access - the samaratans for example have some branches which offer long term group counselling, but also help in a crisis situation - - so she doesnt have to see a counsellor,  phoneing gives  some-one  more instant at the moment support - but also they have an e-mail service which might appeal too her as a way of communicating.
She would also be very welcome to join us here or the associated facebook group of course.

Offline Sandra61

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Re: my granddaughter is struggling with her grief
« Reply #2 on: February 21, 2019, 11:43:22 PM »
Hi John,

So sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter and the pain your grand-daughter is going through. It's not quite the same for me. Sadly i left 23 behind me many years ago, but I only lost my mum a little over a year ago. Still your mum is your mum, whatever your age or her's when she passed away,so I do have some notion of what your poor granddaughter must be suffering.

I had suffered the loss of my dad many years before already, so had some idea what to expect when mum passed away, so perhaps that made it a little easier for me to deal with. I doubt your granddaughter would have lost anyone prior to her mum and, especially when they were both so young, it must be terribly hard for her to bear. I did feel it didn't matter anymore what became of me after mum died. I think I am a strong person too, but I don't think the person strong enough not to feel life is hardly worth living after the loss of such a close loved one has probably been born yet! It could be that she said what she said to you just to give you an idea of the depth of her pain, but did not mean what you fear. I would remind her that her mum loved her and would want her to move forward with her own life and enjoy it as best she can. She is only young and should try to live it well, for her mother's sake, as Karena says, to honour her memory if nothing else.

I too live in my mum's house with all her things around me still and I find that both comforting and painful at the same time, but, for myself, I would still rather be here than have to move somewhere else. I don't find it stifling at all, but I have heard others say that they found it helpful to move somewhere else to help them move on, so maybe that is something you could discuss with her to see how she feels about it. It is about her now after all, so she needs to do what is best for herself. I think it is best not to rush anything though and to wait a few years even before thinking what will be best to do in this regard.

It sounds to me, from what you say, that it is all still too raw for her to be able to make any decisions about anything yet, so she probably needs company and some kind friends who will listen to her and be there for her for now. Does she have anyone like that? Also, you might encourage her to write down her feelings daily. It helps get them out of your system abit to do that. She could also put together a photo album and memory box of her favourite pictures of her mum, her favourite bits of jewellery etc. Then she can turn to these, when feeling really low and the act of doing this could also be very cathartic.

Lastly, I would suggest visiting not only this site, but Let's Talk About Loss too. That one is specially aimed and run by people under 30 who have experienced loss at a young age. There she might be able to connect with people in a similar situation and age group as herself and that might make it easier for her to express her own feelings, than talking to someone face to face, if she doesn't feel ready yet to do that.  They have quite a few meet ups too, so that might help her as well.

As Karena says, the main thing is to keep communicating with her. Are you able to visit or ask her to visit you? It might be nice to get together to do something to commemorate her mum.

Let us know how you get on. We all understand how she is probably feeling here.as we've all been or are going through it too. Wishing you both all the best and sending support. :hearts: