Newly bereaved

[Esther]

Hi, I'm Esther, my husband died 8 weeks ago of a heart attack, 6 days before his 47th birthday. He had a kidney transplant 6 years ago and we had 6 wonderful healthy years, I even fooled myself into thinking I might be lucky enough to go before him. I'm still in shock, I'm now a 49 years old  widow, single mum and feel like I'm drowning. I went back to work yesterday and today I couldnt even get out of bed. I just miss him so much it hurts, every time im alone I just fall apart, people say it gets easier but how can it if he can never come back.

[Sandra61]

Hello Esther,

So very sorry to hear about your husband. It must have been a terrible shock to you and your family.

Going back to work is very traumatic after any loss and feels very daunting. Do you have any support at work? I assume they know what has happened. Have they offered to let you go back on a phased return? If not, perhaps you should request this. It might help you cope a little better with going back, if you could ease yourself gently into going back, at first on reduced hours and gradually build them back up to your normal hours over time, that might make it easier for you. It might be worth speaking to your line manager and asking about this.

I recognise the feeling of not being able to get out of bed. This is a normal feeling when you are grieving and it is still early days and must all still be very raw for you. Do you have any other family to help support you? It might be worth it to go and see your GP. They could give you a sick certificate and sign you off work for a while and should also be able to give you information about grief counselling in case that might help you.

I am afraid grief is a very long and painful process and hard as it is believe now, it is true that it does get easier over time, although I would not expect that to be a short time. It is almost a year and half since my most recent loss and I still have bad days. I am not sure it is accurate to say that it gets 'easier'. It is more that you slowly come to accept what has happened and that this is your new reality and that in itself can take months. You learn to live with that, but it never does stop hurting, the pain just dulls a little and you get more used to it. The sadness never goes away, it just becomes part of you and surfaces at times and moves more into the background at others.

You are also feeling the added stress of now being a lone parent, so that must be affecting how you feel too and making worse the tangle of emotions you are going through. It can be quite cathartic and help you come to terms with what has happened to put together a photo album of favourite pictures of your husband and to write down your feelings each day in a journal. It really does help you feel better just to write them down. For the children it might be good to encourage them to do the same. You can get them to do this either in a book or on separate pieces of paper that they can put in a box or a jar, so that when they are missing their dad, they can pull one out at random to remind them of a happy event they experienced with their dad and this can help them feel closer to him.

You will find a way forward in time, but you are still at a very early stage and should not expect too much of yourself too quickly. It will take time to begin to recover and be able to face daily life again. You will never be the person you were and life will never be the same as it used to be, but you do gradually move forward and find your way into this new unwanted phase of your life. Be gentle with yourself and take it one day at a time. Just do whatever helps and try to get help to allow you time to do this. Things will improve in time. I know that is hard to believe at present, but they will, very slowly.

Sending you strength and a big hug, Esther. 

[Pam19]

Hi Esther

I’m so sorry to hear about your husband....my husband Bob was killed at work 5 months ago tomorrow ...he was 53.....well done for going back to work, I haven’t managed that yet .... I hope you have supportive and understanding people around you at work..... have you gone back to work too soon....do you need more time off? Seriously, think about it...

Bob was my soulmate...we’d only had just over 9 years together, married just under 6.....totally get where you’re coming from..and we ask....how do we go on from here....But, we will.....we have to....


I find keeping busy helps .... I have to make myself get out and do things....I’ve joined a couple of groups where I live....it all seems meaningless but I’m hoping that one day I might actually enjoy something .....joining this group and the face book page is helping....I hope you find some comfort too

I lost my mum 8 years ago and my dad says that this will be the hardest thing I’ll ever go through....but I will get to a point where life will be bearable, and I will enjoy life again....I’ll take that, it gives me hope, and that’s all I have...

Be kind to yourself

Sending love and hugs 

Xxxx

[CarolineL]

Hi Esther, so sorry to hear of your loss and believe me we feel your pain. It is so different for everyone, I lost my husband of 32 yrs last summer and he was only 52, I remember the first weeks like it was yesterday so am hurting for you. Please try to take each day - 1 at a time and don't push yourself to hard. I went straight back to work had to for financial reasons but also because I couldn't stand being on my own for to long and had had enough of my OCD cleaning. Take care of yourself and Im sure you will find taking here helps. 

[Karena]

Hi Esther.
I was also 49 when my husband died of a stroke, i am now 8 years further along this journey.
Initially i could see no point and no hope, my children were adults and had left home previousely so suddenly i had no role to play at all -apart from a  job with a role which was easilly replaceable and not particularly important.
 It took a long time to find another path and carve out some kind of life for myself  - its a roller coaster journey and often you dont even see the dips coming and then you have that slow rattling climb before the next one hits you.
Gradually they become less steep and the climb out becomes easier.
I still miss him, i expect i always will and sometimes i can still be side swiped and pushed to the edge from unexpected things,  but over-all it does get better - we learn how to cope better,  and the pain eventually becomes more of a chronic ache than an intense overwhelming agony - but sometimes it takes a lot longer than people who havnt experienced it can possibly imagine.

If you broke your legs it would be a similar journey of overwhelming pain followed by a slow recovery - with set backs on the way - and at the end of it perhaps you might find if you try and run too fast that there is a jolt which stops you in your tracks  and takes you back too that worst time.Or you may with something as simple as  if its bad weather realise you have a constant ache, which you have  increased awareness of at some times more than others.
The difference is if you broke you legs perhaps you would understand that journey better -and be kinder too yourself than we tend to be in grief - and others would see the plaster then crutches and eventually the limp you are left with, and see what they cannot see with grief.

This place helped me a lot, somewhere to write down my often jumbled and confused thoughts which in itself can help to put ito some kind of order and also somewhere others understand - somewhere i could be myself and put down the heavy mask of a  brave face for a while.
we will be here as long as you need us to be.

[Rebecca]

I’m so sorry to hear of your loss.  I lost my partner on the 15th December 2018 he was only 43, I’m now a widow at 38, and I have no idea how to go on without him. He was my whole world.