I recently lost my best friend. I still feel very broken.
I wrote this to her, I'd like to share it with you.
This is a story of happiness, laughter and friendship but mostly of love. My heart is broken, broken in a way that I am not sure will heal. But this is still a story of love. Childish, exhilarating and care free love. The kind of love that leaves you defenceless and without reserve. A love for someone so pure that it becomes part of who you are. I am not talking of a love for a lover - I'm talking of the love for a best friend - a love for you.
They say the sign of true friendship is not seeing each other for a while and then when you do its like nothing has changed. That is what it was like for all of us. Our times together were always some of my happiest and free. We didn't see each other as much as we should lately but when we did, we would laugh, share and we would live. And it was always as if nothing had changed. Until one day it did. It changed because you died. And each of us changed. Changed indefinitely and irreversibly. As your mum said, you had struggled for a long time and simply couldn't do it anymore. It was 8pm on a Wednesday when I felt my heart gorged open. I felt it coming but I was so unprepared. I missed you instantly and my god I miss you now. I miss your laugh, your smile and your wit. I miss your kindness, your generosity and your warmth. I miss your childish fun and mischief. I miss your strength and your quiet courage. I miss seeing you be a wonderful and beautiful mum. I miss your stories and your dramas. I miss your friendship and I miss your love. I felt the world should have stopped, but it didn't even seem to pause. But I did. We did.
How do you recover from pain so deep that you feel it in every inch of you? Maybe you don't, maybe you adapt to grow with it in you. Like a tree forming roots around rocks. In fact I don't want to recover - this pain is a constant reminder of love, our love. Maybe I will heal with time but for now, I am floating in-between tidal waves of grief. And I am content here. Content in the fact that I have known true love. Content that I have felt the gleeful joy of a best friend. Content in the fact that you have found peace. Content in the fact that I will see you again. Until then I will wear this scar with so much pride and I will await the day you greet me on the other side.
