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  • April 27, 2017, 01:47:15 PM

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Hahaha, he would definitely laugh at me dancing with an imaginary version of him and would tell me off for crying. We had so much fun staying up late now and then, listening to music, eating smelly cheese, red wine and some silly dancing in the living room and the kitchen.  I miss it all too much, so I'll dance now and then even if it makes me crazy  :whistle:
Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Hi I'm new
« Last post by Julia on Today at 11:24:59 AM »
Sending you a welcome hug  :hug:
There is no limit to grief and it does terrify me to even get used to the idea that it will be part of me forever, but reading others stories in this forum give me some sort of comfort, that there is a way to make it a more comforting part of your new reality.
I personally most often try to fight sad thoughts away, but I just drain myself while doing that an d then I cry every night like a baby. I'm trying to accept every feeling I get and fight it a bit less, cause I don't think it's doing much good. If you feel like it's still all very raw 20 months later, don't punish yourself for that, just let yourself feel sad for as long as you need. Try accept every emotion, and some days you will also be able to let yourself enjoy things a bit more too.
My partner died in Feb when it was still cold and rainy outside and then a few weeks later the trees have started becoming greener, the flowers started blooming and I just dislike it so much, because I think it's too soon and it's not fair I cannot enjoy it with him.  When others tell me how much they like the spring weather and tell me it will get better when the sunshine is out there.. I just find it so offensive and painful, though I know they just mean good. Grief has no logical pattern that others are not meant to understand, but you are understood and supported here, so feel free to be as upset for as long as you need and talk about it, don't keep it in :hug: 
I am generally a closed person but I find myself writing posts, just like this one  :whistle:  and it's somewhat helpful to let it out. You are clearly keeping too much to yourself, just shout it all out here :)
Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Hello thankyou all.
« Last post by Julia on Today at 06:50:25 AM »
I find pain and happy memories in almost everything, streets we walked together, places we visited, even small things like the part of the sofa he used to sit on, the side of the bed he used to sleep on, messages full of dreams for the future, everything turns into symbols of what's lost, but I'm trying to find comfort in that. I have to admit I didn't wash the bed sheets for two months, didn't want to have him out of bed. I hope with time you can start looking at those symbols with ease and love rather than pain, but for now, it's good to accept the pain, don't exhaust yourself fighting it away  :hug:
Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: New persons problems 😥
« Last post by Julia on Today at 06:09:21 AM »
Losing someone you love so suddenly and especially if it's the first loss in your life,  forces you to deal with emotions you haven't dealt with before, yet it feels like as an adult you should be in control, responsible, strong and rational. It takes time to learn how to go about this new feelings, and create support system around yourself that works. It sounds to me like you are isolating yourself at the moment and feeling upset that others don't approach you, I've been doing a lot of that since I suddenly lost my partner in February. It's almost easier to get upset and hurt with things and people around you, because then you don't focus on the real reason for this massive heartache. It's perhaps in a way a coping mechanism, so don't be scared to feel this way.

A few years ago when I was struggling to break off from the relationship I wasn't happy in, I went to a therapist that changed my life. I didn't want to talk for hours with a psychologist as I felt that would lead nowhere, so I was looking for something different. His style is combining simple meditation techniques, you just sit on the sofa and he talks you through a little meditation session to help you calm down,  and then you discuss the problem you are facing being in that calm state of mind. It does wonders. I email him recently asking to help, he now lives in the UK, but comes to the Netherlands every month. I thought I'll share a segment of what he responded to my feelings of helplessness, worthlessness, loss of confidence and the start of anxiety:

"The first and main things to know are you are not worthless and you are not helpless.
I know it really looks like that at the moment, but you're having trouble remembering these two things:

1. You have all the help you're ever going to need right inside you. Sure, others can be a lot of help, but when the rubber really hits the road, you can help yourself best.

2. All the self worth you're ever going to need is also inside you, right now. Again, it's covered over with feeling bad and ideas that you don't have it, but it's still there.

You're probably wondering what you need to do to access these things. Well, the strange thing is 'nothing special has to happen', these qualities are available now, but you're labouring under the impression that you need to look somewhere outside for them.

It's a very common behaviour, most of the world it looking for it's self worth outside, but it always comes from the inside."

Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: New persons problems 😥
« Last post by Illeybing on April 26, 2017, 10:09:10 PM »
Ok. Thank you both for taking the time to reply to me. I know you are right I guess I'm just trying to get this whole horrible process over and done with so I can try and move on with my life. I've always put pressure on myself to do everything but I think that's because my mum brought me up to be fiercely independent and know not to rely on anyone. I get what you're saying and it's nice to have an opinion other than what is circling around and around in my head. My heart was racing as I typed the message so I probably did come across as anxious 😞 It's just so hard. I will try and break things down more. I think my trouble also is if I stop I think and then I realise she has gone. X
Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / Re: Help
« Last post by Julia on April 26, 2017, 08:06:55 PM »
Sending you a welcome hug too :hug:
He will always remain in your life, love never goes away. I lost my partner Feb 22nd and I'm very uncertain what my mind and heart will come up with, it's a pure devastating mess in there, but I'm holding onto the thought that my love for him and beautiful memories will never abandon me.
You've spent so many years with him, it's ok to take as much time as you need to feel the way you feel, it's ok to feel like everything is pointless. He loved you and still loves you, just the shape of it all is different, and you must be a lovable, caring person -  joy will slowly come back to your life, perhaps life will teach you some new ways to enjoy it with time. Be patient and kind to yourself  :hug: you are not alone
Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: New persons problems 😥
« Last post by Karena on April 26, 2017, 07:44:49 PM »
I can almost hear the panic in your voice as you wrote that,it seems there are so many issues you are trying to deal with.Emz advice is sound try breaking it down into more manageable pieces.
Anxiety and panic attacks are a normal part of grief,but also you went from India back to this nightmare with no warning or inkling so there is an element of shock as well.As for the practical stuff then it could be that youvhave taken on a role and given the impression of coping and fooled people into thinking you are coping.So they don't offer help.perhaps you could give a little on that.Ring your Auntie or text your cousin back  and ask if she can help clearing the house.The worst that can happen is that she says no.Could doing that bring in rental that keeps your head above water so you can take time out or could working take the pressure off to clear the house,because it seems that if you act on one of those issues you can potentially give yourself breathing space before tackling the other.On the work side of it is there a way to get back into it gradually starting part time.Another option might be could you live in your mums house and rent yours,out that way you dont have to rush to clear her stuff and you are on site to care for the garden.I don't know if that's possible or even desirable but what I am trying to say here is that if you break things down take a deep breath and a different look you may find there are other options that you are not seeing just now.
Thank you Karena  :hug: I understand theoretically that this like everything else in life shall pass, however in practice I am really losing my cool, my logic is of no practical use. The other day I booked a hotel in Berlin on booking com, and I rushed to do so as the deal was really good. Moments after I realised is really far from the conference venue, but there was no option to cancel the booking free of charge, but I could send an email should I have any special circumstances to negotiate lower cancellation rate. It's something so insignificant but I got quite panicky about that... I told them the location wasn't good for me, and in my anxious mind I thought they would still charge me full amount and not let me stay there plus they would report me to booking com!  In theory I know it was an irrational judgement of the situation, especially when they cancelled my booking free of charge, but wow... I thought something terrible will happen, cause that what happens in life.

You are right, I do need to run up the hill or something,but we don't have hills here in the Netherlands  :rofl: I'll go for a run tomorrow morning and probably think of some more ridiculous stories about how life is against me and how everything I get close to turns to crap. I clearly keep too much to myself, need to put effort in exhaling all that energy out, it's just damn tough. Feels like running under water. This shall pass too :) 

Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: New persons problems 😥
« Last post by Emz2014 on April 26, 2017, 06:45:22 PM »
I'll start by sending a hug  :hug:
Losing our parents is overwhelming, and shakes our foundations.  There is so much to do at the beginning it can feel too much.  The main advice I can give is to stop trying to plan/think too far in advance.  Now is a time for breaking things down into chunks to tackle - no-one is super human and we cant do everything in addition to planning for every future eventuality.  So, perhaps make a master to do list so you can write down what you need to do - but then break those tasks down and only focus on one at a time

Give yourself permission to slow or rest sometimes - grieving is draining - emotionally and physically, and sometimes we need some TLC (think how you would respond to a friend who was in your position, and show yourself that same kindness)

And some days, just concentrate on one day at a time - we cant control the future and sometimes when its overwhelming we have to refocus on the present.  On especially bad days just take it hour by hour - achieve each hour, then tackle the next hour

Often it will not feel like it, and will think its impossible,  but it will get easier in time.  It wont be a 'lightbulb' change - you will find that gradually over time better days will appear between the bad.  During the journey we need to accept we will feel bad - it's painful and we need time to heal and cope better. xx
Introduce Yourself To Us All / New persons problems 😥
« Last post by Illeybing on April 26, 2017, 06:20:30 PM »
Hi. I think I need to introduce myself. I feel like I am losing the plot a bit and don't know how people keep going feeling this way. I lost my mother unexpectedly this year in February.  My father left when I was young but I have a half brother who is younger than me but he has Congenital Myasthenia which is like a muscular dystrophy, so has had to deal with a lot in his life but I'm at a breaking point as I am having to deal with everything to do with mums death pretty much alone. I feel like if I wasn't here in her house everything would go to ruin, her beautiful garden would start dying and nothing would get done if it wasn't for me but I feel it's to the expense of my health. I literally feel so run down and have to be so strong that every few days I blow and get terrible panick attacks which scare me. I have been reading up on how to control them but I still feel so overwhelmed and I'm so frightened living his life and don't see how it's going to get better. I know people have lost loved ones for ever and ever so my loss is nothing new, however my mum was my love and we went through such a lot together and I can't believe there is no one above me now. I find it heartbreaking, as well as the circumstances in which she died where I now feel I have to make an enquiry as to the way she was dealt with by the doctor. Her 10 day hospital experience from admission to death was pretty horrific and I haven't even been able to start with dealing with that and putting in a complaint about the way we were treated when we could tell she was going to die but the doctors wouldn't confirm anything  and some staff were so unsympathetic and telling me to stop being so negative or trying to play god controlling who comes and sees my mother when she was so unable to breath due to her lungs filling with fluid and the rest of her body, that she would throw of flowers her clothes and would go to the toilet in the bed as she could only have nappies, and I was cleaning her along with my aunt, but I knew my mum wouldn't want people seeing her like that and the doctor told me I was trying to play god and control things when my mum was still clearly breathing. The whole thing was horrid I was in India and had a call to come home and she died after 10 days out of the blue. I have since found out that she visited the doctors a few times and they basically sent her away. Now I am left with everything to sort and have tried to keep my brother's involvement to a minimum because I don't want him to get sick and lose him as well, but I can't feel I can take anymore of what is now my life, and there's only so much a person can take. I am able to go out now but every few days I have these panic attacks which I'm dealing with, but since mum died there has been one thing to sort after another and everything comes down to me. I have auntie's and cousins around for me but they have their own lives and own problems and they don't live close. I feel like everyone has started to pick up their life apart from me and I feel jealous of that. And I know if it wasn't for me not working and sorting everything nothing would get done. I get less and less phone calls now from the family, and if I phone my cousin instead of phoning me back she texts what's up, and I'm paranoid I'll start getting on their nerves because they have all moved on a bit more than I have. I am terrified to work as I am so up and down, and I am trying to distract myself but I still can't watch the news or listen to music I find things too hard and bad things make me depressed. My friends don't live in the area of my mums and they say I can call, but I call and they're all happy and I'm embarrassed at the state I am in so I pretty much keep myself to myself. It scares me not earning money as I am self employed but I'm not ready to work. I have to clear out my mums house also so we can let it but no one really offers help with this. It's almost like I feel people want to be there for the good bits like maybe taking the odd thing they like but everything else is down to me. I have no boyfriend and no children which maybe is a blessing as in not coping but I think how would I ever attract someone in the future when I'm so unhappy? And how do people learn to live with this unhappiness within because I constantly feel diseased. I know no one can bring my mum back but I always had her there to turn to, and I'm struggling with moving forward now I have no one that really understands me. My brother doesn't like coming to the house and his girlfriend is of no help whatsoever and I'm starting to question why I am busting my calls to protect him when his life has pretty much continued as it was (but without my mum) and my own personal life has completely stopped. I feel so alone.
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