Sending you a welcome hug
There is no limit to grief and it does terrify me to even get used to the idea that it will be part of me forever, but reading others stories in this forum give me some sort of comfort, that there is a way to make it a more comforting part of your new reality.
I personally most often try to fight sad thoughts away, but I just drain myself while doing that an d then I cry every night like a baby. I'm trying to accept every feeling I get and fight it a bit less, cause I don't think it's doing much good. If you feel like it's still all very raw 20 months later, don't punish yourself for that, just let yourself feel sad for as long as you need. Try accept every emotion, and some days you will also be able to let yourself enjoy things a bit more too.
My partner died in Feb when it was still cold and rainy outside and then a few weeks later the trees have started becoming greener, the flowers started blooming and I just dislike it so much, because I think it's too soon and it's not fair I cannot enjoy it with him. When others tell me how much they like the spring weather and tell me it will get better when the sunshine is out there.. I just find it so offensive and painful, though I know they just mean good. Grief has no logical pattern that others are not meant to understand, but you are understood and supported here, so feel free to be as upset for as long as you need and talk about it, don't keep it in
I am generally a closed person but I find myself writing posts, just like this one
and it's somewhat helpful to let it out. You are clearly keeping too much to yourself, just shout it all out here :)