Author Topic: Coming up to a year  (Read 32797 times)

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Offline Hubby

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #15 on: February 18, 2017, 10:22:30 PM »
I'm not doing so good today.

Friday was pretty much same old, same old. Another day muddled through without much upset.

Today started great, I had little Ollie round while his mum and dad went off doing something. I was pretty tired when he went just after lunch but was looking forward to meeting up with some members of the BUK Facebook group in Liverpool. I got ready, went to the cash machine to get some cash and then the darkness descended on me and it just seemed wrong. I went home and had a cry instead. After that I slept most of the evening away on the sofa.

I know I would have enjoyed a night out meeting new people but sometimes it's just too difficult to get out and do different things.

Offline Karena

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #16 on: February 19, 2017, 08:20:05 PM »
 :hug: sometimes you just have to follow your instincts .Going out isn't wrong neither is having a few drinks and a laugh but it isn't always right for the day,especially if you're tired so spending time on the sofa isn't wrong either.

Offline Hubby

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #17 on: February 20, 2017, 05:19:38 PM »
Thanks Karena.

I woke on Sunday morning feeling really down BUT I didn't let it take hold. Within a few minutes of waking I had texted my youngest and spoke to my eldest and arranged for us all to go out for breakfast. After that I had a little potter in the garden then cooked tea for everyone and had a play with little Ollie.

When they had gone I had a bit of a chat with someone on messenger then had a tidy up and went to bed.

I'm quite pleased that I turned what could have been another day feeling sorry for myself around so quickly.   :smiley:

Offline Karena

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #18 on: February 20, 2017, 07:41:27 PM »
Well done you.I think making yourself get up and organised is a good step towards getting out of the dips we all fall into from time to time.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #19 on: February 20, 2017, 09:04:11 PM »
 :hug: well done hubby. It can be hard but empowering when we can take charge of our emotions and re-channel them.  And also great way to utilise your support network xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Hubby

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #20 on: February 21, 2017, 04:50:15 PM »
It does seem to be quite a step forward to have some control.

Yesterday and today have been pretty much OK. I did stop off at the grave on the way home and had a good cry but again that was my choice. I could have gone straight home and avoided the tears but I feel I have to let the emotions out.

I'm feeling pretty relaxed now. Not what you would call happy but, more importantly, not sad. I've been here before and I'm hoping it will last.

Offline Hubby

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #21 on: February 22, 2017, 08:53:14 PM »
Bit if a mixed bag. I woke up in the wee small hours crying. I don't know why but I think I might have been dreaming about Margaret. I don't normally remember dreams do I can't be sure. It took ages to get back to sleep so I slept through my alarms, all four of them.  :embarrassed:

I texted the boss to say I had a rough start and would stay closer to home than the depot. I think he thought I was staying at home but I had a job to do nearer home and went there.

Despite all that I felt pretty positive about the past week, especially taking control on Sunday and visiting the grave on my own yesterday. I felt I was finally beginning to get some control. I took that attitude into my counselling session but not far in I was in floods of tears again. So much for control.

My counsellor thinks that, as I was feeling stronger going into the session, I was able to bring up things we had only skipped over before in more depth and that was what 'did for me'. That may be right but it wasn't a nice experience. Luckily I had enough time to settle down before the end but of the session. After that I went back to work and The rest of the day has been pretty much fine. I'm still feeling quite positive.

Offline Karena

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #22 on: February 23, 2017, 07:21:45 PM »
I think your counsellor was probably right some things are so hard in the early days we put them aside because we don't feel strong enough to cope .You do seem more confident now overall. :hug:

Offline Hubby

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #23 on: February 25, 2017, 11:19:21 PM »
Thanks Karena. I think I am getting somewhere but the changes are so slow I hardly notice them.

I've not been on the forum for a few days but I've be not had a lot to report. Work has been Groundhog Day and home has been pretty much the same. I come home, cook tea, go to bed early.

I have noticed that I am very short tempered. Igetvngry if the least little thing goes wrong. Yesterday I lost my temper at a self service checkout when some biscuits wouldn't scan. I threw all the shopping down and stormed out of the shop. Pointless because I only had to do the whole shop again but I just couldn't cope with it at that time.

I've had an easy day today. I did want to go to a met up in Sheffield but I'm on call this weekend so had to give it a miss. Another maybe next time moment.

Hope everyone is managing OK.

Offline Karena

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #24 on: February 26, 2017, 05:14:21 PM »
 :hug:I don't use the self scan things part because of my Luddite tendancys,but I figure someone else scans it,its their job to sort it,and you can't speak too,empathise with or smile at a machine,well you can but that just exaggerates ones eccentricity.On a serious not though it is another of griefs features,for me it seemed to take the form of being more annoyed over small things than is reasonable,you're probably handling it better than I did,I have a bad habit of internalising anger, so rather than storm out I would probably have put them back left the shop quietly then cried and blamed myself later.But the positive side of the matter of in important things is that it will eventually do a somersault and then become less important than it would be for most people.Now I would laugh sort it  and forget it by the time I got to the car park.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #25 on: February 26, 2017, 07:25:16 PM »
I went through an angry frustrated phase, team members would do things (or not do things) and it would make me so angry/frustrated - and I would moan/rant to my manager - at the same time not recognising myself (I actually had that conversation with my manager, he was really supportive as he knew it wasnt my usual behaviour)   was such a weird phase, didn't feel like myself atall.  But it did pass  :hug:  xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Hubby

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #26 on: February 26, 2017, 09:45:08 PM »
I hope this passes quickly. Shouting at inanimate objects is a pretty stupid thing to be doing but shouting at shop assistants needs to be knocked in the head quick smart.

I've had a good day today. It didn't start too well. My brother in law sent me a text thanking me for some information I sent him ... at 3.30am!  :angry:

It took a while to get back to sleep after being woken by the cavalry charge (My text tone when I am on call). At 8am I was called out and it turned out to be a mouse not working on a pc that just needed replacing. I appreciate the money I will be paid for doing it but it would have been better if the operator had done ut and I had a lie in.

My day picked up then. I went out shopping with my youngest, her fiancé and my grandson. We went to a retail park and round all the shops then had a pub lunch and did the weekly shop in a supermarket. We all went back to mine where I cooked the weekly curry and they left at about 7:30. After that I watched a film. It was a pretty perfect day.

The only downside was a bit of a cry when I realised it was a pretty perfect day but, of course, something was missing. It was short lived though and, tbh, I expected it.

Offline longedge

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #27 on: February 27, 2017, 08:48:52 AM »
I hope this passes quickly. Shouting at inanimate objects is a pretty stupid thing to be doing but shouting at shop assistants needs to be knocked in the head quick smart.

I think I see my doppelganger in you Hubby  :smiley:. I forced myself to go back and apologise to one bewildered lady in Sainsbo's some time ago. When I said that I wasn't trying to make excuses but that I had recently lost my wife and seemingly my reason she was very understanding. As for shouting and swearing at the kettle for leaking, well it deserved it  :grin:.
I'll never get over losing her and I used to think that eventually
I would learn to live with it - that's not happened yet.

        ~ I'm George by the way ~

Offline Hubby

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #28 on: February 28, 2017, 11:25:42 PM »
Thanks George. I'm trying hard to control this anger but it keeps beating me. I've got a box of stuff in the back of my van and every time I open the side door it falls out spilling its contents, usually into a puddle, and every time I explode a little but louder than the last. I really should stow it away a bit more securely but I'm that angry I just shove everything back into it, throw it in the van and slam the door.  :undecided:

The past two days have been similar. Work is OK now. No repeat if the crying my eyes out if the other week. Home is pretty much OK as well but I am getting short bouts of intense upset. It's like a days worth of grief crammed into a couple of minutes then it's gone again and I'm back to muddling along.

I suppose I'm coping most of the time but it's barely coping and I don't like it.

Offline Karena

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #29 on: March 01, 2017, 06:15:43 PM »
 :hug: it will pass meanwhile if you have a bottle bank near you,the sound of breaking glass can be therapeutic and its legitimate.