Author Topic: Multiple losses  (Read 2018 times)

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Offline ESO93

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Multiple losses
« on: July 23, 2017, 10:02:56 PM »
Hello,

I am 24 years old and I've never experienced any bereavements except my grand father 4 years ago. However since October last year I have lost 5 loved ones, one friend, my family dog, my dad, my grand father and my grand mother.

I lost my dad, grandfather and grandmother all within 2-3 weeks and all those that I have lost were sudden as such.

My friend passed away in a car accident l, I felt I grieved the loss of her as expected, I went through all the emotions. My dad had been unwell for years through alcoholism and although he had detorriated since January I didn't expect him to pass so soon, he went into hospital and I was told 2 days prior he would be discharged which was the norm every time he went in. It wasn't until I was called in and told he wasn't going to live more than a few days that I realised how serious it was. He passed away next to me when I asleep hours later. My mothers dad then passed away suddenly followed by my dads mother. Although they both were unwell with dementia I still didn't expect it so soon.
I don't feel I have grieved properly for any of them, I was openly upset and emotional a few days after my dad passing but when I got the news about my grandparents I was almost like I was numb, I don't think I have cried for any of them except at their funerals. I go to work every day and act like my normal self (to the surprise of my colleagues) and try and go about my life as normal, like nothing's happened. It actually upsets me more thinking that I'm not grieving properly. I'm such a family orientated person and I revolved a lot of my life around my dad so why aren't I feeling the massive hole of emptyness that I haven't got to thinking or worry about him?

I only ever feel emotionally unstable of an evening, I struggle to go to sleep and I have a feeling of deep sadness and anxiety, but not for my loved ones, my brain tries to focus on anything other than them, things that upset me and make me rethink bad times in my life but none of these relating to any of them.

Is this normal? I just want to grieve properly as I'm scared it will hit me a million times harder at a random point in my life.

Sorry if this makes no sense.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Multiple losses
« Reply #1 on: July 24, 2017, 08:59:20 AM »
Sending a welcome hug  :hug:

It doesn't sound like you are trying to avoid your grief, so it could be that you are in a bit of a shock about losing so many loved ones, could perhaps be a bit numb as you have lost them so soon together.  Grief doesnt have a timescale and changes (often like a rollercoaster)

There is no right or wrong way to grieve - its often a surprise to us what happens on our grief journey, as everyone is so individual.  Going to work is often really helpful as it provides a routine and an illusion of normality which helps us cope - we can concentrate the mind on our work (with varying degrees of success in concentration!)

Being here and talking with us should help - talking/writing about your losses/feelings help your mind process everything.  I kept a diary for many years, where I would write what had happened each day and whatever i needed to write and I'm sure that helped me through hard times xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Multiple losses
« Reply #2 on: July 24, 2017, 08:41:53 PM »
There is not much to add to what Emz has said. Different people do react differently and the time scale of all these events are shocking and that can lead us to subconsciousely try and shield ourselves by convincing ourselves and those around us that we,re not grieving. So in addition to grief your also experiencing the foundations of your life collapsing,and the realisation of the precariousness of life,so in the evenings without the distraction of work,these feelings express themselves as anxiety.which even though you think isn't grief,its part of it.
You don't have to be crying and not coping with everyday life to be grieving, but at some point you may find it takes a different form to now.Talking certainly helps,and this is a great place to express your feelings ,as all of us are also somewhere along the grief journey.

Offline ESO93

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Re: Multiple losses
« Reply #3 on: July 24, 2017, 11:47:36 PM »
Thank you for your replies - you've helped me look at it in a different way. I hate how my anxiety is at night as my brain obsesses over things then I wake up and wonder what on earth was I thinking about that for.

Offline Karena

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Re: Multiple losses
« Reply #4 on: July 25, 2017, 08:50:43 PM »
My brain does that too,sometimes I will be obsessing about really stupid things like paint colour, in order to avoid worrying about something actually important.When it comes too the losses I have a tool box.Imagine a pack of cards and on each card is a happy memory of loved ones,then when my brain decides to show me something about their loss,whether its wondering if I could have changed things,if I,d said or done something different,or a memory of the event itself,I make a conscious effort to put it at the back of the pack or throw it away and bring one of the happy cards to the front.
Routine also helps,I used to sleep downstairs and literally watch TV until I fell asleep,sure it distracted my mind,but it was really bad sleep waking many times a night watching more sleeping again for short periods.Now I have a routine that says its bedtime,herbal tea bath read.Blue light of TV and screens doesn't help,so I read normal ( not backlit) kindle.Also careful what I read,because then I would get obsessed about things in story's too,so nice gentle feel good stories.