I don't understand how to cope

[Kate3027]

Hello,

I posted a while ago that my dad was very ill in a hospice and that I lived abroad. I was lucky to get to spend some time with him, but he died two weeks and two days ago. I had to get on a plane and fly back to my little ones before he died, but he fell asleep a few hours after I'd gone and never woke up again. This was how we knew it would be. For me the 11th will always be the day he died even though it was two days later. I was with my family abroad for a week and a half before flying back for the funeral last Wednesday. I totally broke down at the wake, I kept saying that i thought he would be there, and he wasn't. Because truth be told in some very strange way I did think he would be there, it was almost as if we'd planned a Party for him, and for some reason he hadn't come. Everybody kept saying that I should come back and join the rest and be brave, as if to show emotion and to cry is not brave. I don't understand what it means to be brave anymore. To be stoic? To suppress it all? Not to cry? How is any of that brave? How would any of that possibly help me? So once I had quietened my emotions, if you can call it that, I ended up feeling as though I'd done something you're not supposed to do - cry at the wake. I almost felt as if I'd shown myself up, which I hadnt, I was in a room quietly being very sad, I didn't cause a scene.
Now I'm back home. I've felt sick since the day I had to leave and I've had a migraine for two days. I feel so utterly alone, memories only make me sad, nothing seems to comfort me at all and things that should make me smile such as playing with my children, only serve to remind me of all the things my dad is missing. I literally don't know how to cope. I am always in tears or about to cry. It seems as though nobody else is feeling like this and it's only me. I almost feel dramatic, but this is actually how I feel. I cannot believe he is gone, I cannot believe I won't see him again, I cannot figure out how to manage this, these feelings. I am devastated and so utterly lost.

[Karena]

 :hug:the last time you saw him he was alive so it might have been that even though you knew differently you held on too that.In my experience, even when you know someone is dying its still a shock,because in order to remain sane,to  be " strong" for them,your mind still hopes for a last minute miracle or a wrong diagnosis.Sometimes even if you are there,you still tell yourself it isn't true,it didn't happen,so for you not being might have amplified it.Also I think when you're involved in  planning a funeral,choosing songs etc,you are in a sense planning like they will be there sounds daft but it happens.
I don't know what brave means either,different things to different people.No two griefs are the same,and there is no wrong or right way,it is what it is,and for you being abroad and with littlys perhaps you feel more isolated from them.The way they reacted at the funeral and what they say,may not be actually how they feel or behave all the time.
Its really early days and not at all surprising you keep bursting into tears and think about what he is missing and what they will miss too.But it doesn't mean they can't know him,because when you feel stronger,and as they get older you can share your memory's with them.My two youngest grandsons were born after my husband died but they know a lot about him and that keeps his memory alive in a positive way, to them they still have a grandad he just can't be here with them.Putting together a memory box is one way people do this.

[Emz2014]

Sending a welcome hug 
You did nothing wrong crying at the wake.  I think sometimes other people are scared of strong emotion, maybe its taking all their energy suppressing their own tide of emotions. Or they are so caught up in how they think things should be.
Early days its normal to cry, and will happen throughout the journey.  Be gentle with yourself, I hope being able to talk about things here helps you feel less alone xx