Author Topic: Hello, I'm new x  (Read 2570 times)

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Offline Annie123

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Hello, I'm new x
« on: October 02, 2017, 10:31:04 PM »
Hi there,
I lost my dearest mum just over 6 weeks ago.  I feel totally lost, numb, panicky, angry... you name it.  I feel like I can't cope.  Each day that passes takes me further away from my mum.  I go and sit in her house every day and sit by her grave.  I have a family, but I feel so alone.  Any reply would be most appreciated xx

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Hello, I'm new x
« Reply #1 on: October 02, 2017, 10:34:06 PM »
Sending a welcome hug.  :hug:
Its a rollercoaster journey, it takes time, be gentle with yourself.  Xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Annie123

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Re: Hello, I'm new x
« Reply #2 on: October 02, 2017, 10:51:27 PM »
Thank you so much for replying, it means a lot.  I feel so alone, like I'm going out of my mind.  Bereavement UK looks like a wonderful place to share x

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Hello, I'm new x
« Reply #3 on: October 03, 2017, 10:32:24 AM »
Losing a loved one is very isolating.  But everyone here understands and it does help to share xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Hello, I'm new x
« Reply #4 on: October 03, 2017, 11:27:12 AM »
 :hug:you are not going out of your mind everything you describe is part of grief.I lost my mum many years ago, and i wont ever forget the fear of life without her back up and support.I will always miss her physical presence, But she is with me in so many other way - i still look to her for answers,asking my self what she would have done or said. :hug:

Offline Annie123

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Re: Hello, I'm new x
« Reply #5 on: October 03, 2017, 11:47:44 AM »
Thank you so much for replying. it definitely makes me feel less alone.  It's so weird, I feel actual fear and panic.  I didn't realise that grief was so physical, in the first few days after my mum died I couldn't even eat.  I must be getting better as I am eating a bit now, but still feel huge waves of panic, grief, sadness.  My mum was in the very early stages of dementia (still incredibly independent!) so I looked after her a lot and cared for her.  I was also just about to buy a house opposite Mum (just about to exchange contracts) the week Mum died (she died suddenly of an aneurysm).  So my family and I have to decide about moving which I'm finding so hard.  I had all these plans and dreams, having her over for a cuppa, gardening together etc. it's all gone.  Also, I feel so bad as I was in Devon on holiday when she died.  I never go away, and the one week I went away with my family is when she passed away.  She refused to go and stay with my brother as she preferred it at home, I rang each night, last time I spoke was 7 weeks ago today.  The next evening, she didn't answer her phone, I just assumed she'd switched dial off, got a little concerned so rang non-emergency police.  They rang me back to say she'd passed away and was just lying in her bed.  Still feel so shocked and also strangely a bit angry.  So, so sorry for the long and rambling post.  I just have so much bottled up inside.  xxx

Offline Karena

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Re: Hello, I'm new x
« Reply #6 on: October 03, 2017, 12:32:18 PM »
Anger isnt strange -you had such lovely plans. I have two daughters, one on the other side of the world,but the other still in the UK, and that is the same idea we are having too, me moving closer too her.
My mum had cancer and i cared for her as long as i could.But we lived in a remote place, it was a really bad winter and there was a risk that if she needed extra medical care they wouldnt be able to get too us, so she made the decision to go into hospital for a while and didnt come out.

On the day she died more snow was imminent and she sent us home to avoid it,so i also wasnt there when she died,no-one was, because the end came so quickly. It left guilt anger and a lot of unanswered questions about her care, but i had to accept that they would never be answered. And just as you went on holiday, i went home so i completely understand you feel bad about it. The truth is we only have hindsight we cant see the future.,Your mum would have approved of your holiday and it was her choice to stay at home,just as it was my mums to go into hospital.
Even though it hurts and we are surounded by all those "what if" questions we have to respect their decisions esepcially when, as you say, she was very independant.

IF you are having actual panic attacks they will pass,i had them when my husband died -which was what brought me here,but one solution that helped a bit was to carry something solid and real in my pocket -in my case it was a quartz crystal he gave me -but it could be anything -perhaps something of your mums, or a pebble off a beach that you went too as a child.Hold it tight in your hand and focus on breathing more slowly.

It is a difficult time to be thinking about the big decisions such as moving -but what will happen too your mums house seems like a place to start. Moving into it might be one option that can be consoling ,but moving opposite and seeing some-one else living in it might be too painful.When my mum stayed at ours she like to watch the birds outside so i set up feeders etc where she could see them from the window -after she died i created a corner of the garden as a memorial with all the feeders, water feature and favourite plants,-i have moved since then and brough it all with me and will do so when i move again,so it is possible to have that connection wherever you live.

Please dont feel you need to apologise for long posts,thats what we are here for and writing, i find, helps.