Author Topic: Christmas ....  (Read 2549 times)

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Offline Rach1972

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Christmas ....
« on: November 15, 2017, 09:01:42 PM »
Hi everyone, I am new to this group.  My Mum passed away in May of this year.  She had been poorly for approximately 3 years and had spells of really going downhill but had always picked up.  Although I had been bracing myself for it, it was still a shock.  She was 77 and we were very close.  She was the rock of our family and we all have taken it hard in different ways.  Two weeks after Mum died my Uncle was taken into hospital.  He remained in hospital and passed away two weeks ago.  As the eldest sibling things have always generally been left to me and the past 5 months have literally felt like a hamster wheel that does not stop.  I have gone through the process of sorting all Mums stuff on my own, supported my Dad, visited my Uncle in hospital twice per week (who had no-one) worked part-time and I have to manage a chronic health condition.  I am on my own with no kids.  We are now facing a funeral next week at the same crematorium we went to in May and I am worried about how we will all cope.  Christmas is also looming and both my Mum and Uncle were always there.  I am frankly knackered, feeling a little resentful, my health is suffering, and I would like to tell everyone to bog off & stay at home in bed all day!  But, I feel that we ought to make the effort.  For those of you that are further down this path how do you all cope with Christmas? x

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Christmas ....
« Reply #1 on: November 16, 2017, 08:00:23 AM »
I'm the eldest and also took the reins when we lost my dad. Everyone around me fell apart through various additional stress so I felt I had to be the strong one - and that's really tough

Give yourself permission to stop now and again - I found having a dvd day helped me, I would get nice food in and just watch favourite dvds and let my mind stop for a bit. A bit of TLC. Whatever you find helps you to tune out to worries and rest a while

Try and take things one step at a time - putting worry about future events to the side at the time (that helped me too - made it easier to tackle each one)  can you take a day off after the funeral so you can have a day of TLC/rest?

Just like they say on a plane, you have to put on your oxygen mask before you help others, and you are important in this too.  Take care xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Christmas ....
« Reply #2 on: November 16, 2017, 11:07:59 PM »
Being in different circumstances I was able to change it when I lost my husband by more or less dropping it,I go and see grandkids and do presents,alternating between my daughters whereas in the past everyone came to us,but that's just Xmas day,itself and now I am a guest of someone else's celebration but detached from all the paraphanalia around it.Also started with the grandkids new tradition of decorating an outside tree with a bird food feast,so I,m not sad granny in the corner or granny who has to be answered too because it is tradition,but just Granny who is different.That doesn't mean I have forgotten or somehow disrespected how we used to do it or how my mum did it before,they are still very much on my mind in creating new traditions around things they loved,my mum loved watching the birds and spent her last Xmas day doing that at our house so its different from filling the house with tinsel,and I know both of them would have been delighted to see the children making fatballs and popcorn chains and hanging them up.Your circumstances are different and you would find your own way to do that.Given that its a few weeks away and you are obviously and understandably emotionally and physically  exhausted I think I would be calling on siblings to make an effortand sort xmas,if they want a family Xmas,say you will go along for Xmas lunch or whatever,but that's it.If they don't make the effort and you want to spend it in bed or quietly at home with just your dad who is probably also dreading xmas then go ahead,I,m sure your mum and uncle would understand.

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Christmas ....
« Reply #3 on: November 30, 2017, 06:38:52 PM »
I am struggling with Christmas too, My Mum loved it and we always spent it together, I am torn between not doing Xmas at all this year, and then feeling guilty that the thing she loved and always treated me so specially I am just letting her down

Offline Rach1972

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Re: Christmas ....
« Reply #4 on: December 24, 2017, 08:55:06 PM »
Thank you for taking the time to reply.  We decided to just do a scaled down version of Christmas and are all going to be with my Dad.  I have nieces who are still young and for their sake we all feel that we should make the effort.  Things have been quite strained within the family for various reasons and to a degree we are all grieving in isolation of each other. I have one sibling who is not coming which I am upset about and Mum would have hated the situation we find ourselves in.  I have found the past week really hard as Mum loved Christmas and there seems to be reminders everywhere while out shopping.  I hope you all manage to have an enjoyable day whatever you decide to do xx

Offline Lyn Taylor

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Re: Christmas ....
« Reply #5 on: December 25, 2017, 01:08:49 PM »
Christmas will never be the same and as I sit here by myself, I feel like I have been orphaned. After dad passed away my mother and brother completely cut me adrift, it devastated me because I have no idea why. My dad and I were very close and my mother was jealous of our relationship because dad and mum's marriage was a bad one. She ground my dad down and I was his only support and comfort. My brother lives 200 miles away and saw both dad and mum about 3 times acyear. He organised all the funeral excluding me totally. Christmas for me as always been about family and now I sit here by myself feeling like an orphan. I hope you and your dad have a peaceful Christmas and you just have to think of yourself and let your siblings take care of themselves. It's so difficult because at times like this family should pull together but from what I read and see this is rarely the case x

Offline Rach1972

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Re: Christmas ....
« Reply #6 on: December 25, 2017, 07:17:50 PM »
Hi Lyn, I hope you are okish and have managed to have a peaceful day.  Families are so complicated.  My Dad was jealous of my relationship with my Mum.  I now find myself being the one who is giving him the most support and yet we have the most difficult relationship.  I would like a serious word with my Mum for leaving me to deal with it all!  :) Today has gone better than I expected and I have actually found it easier than the run up to Christmas with all the shops, Christmas carols and general reminders.  You are right and my siblings are adults and I can only do what I can do.  I am also thinking of volunteering at my local hospital in the New Year, I work from home which is isolating and that will get me out of the house and take my mind off things.  Take care of yourself xx

Offline Lyn Taylor

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Re: Christmas ....
« Reply #7 on: December 28, 2017, 09:14:25 PM »
Hi Rachel
 
I too found Christmas Day went better than expected. It was peaceful and reflective away from all the hype and commercial stuff. I managed to go out for a long walk yesterday and felt a little more connected to myself and my new world. It's a strange journey we are on but knowing others are going through the same is a comfort, as in we are never alone.

I work from home too and it doesn't help not having that day to day connection with others and I am looking at ways that I can get out and about more. It's harder in the winter as well. Volunteering is a good way forward. I couldn't face a hospital at the moment as I dislike them at the moment but hopefully that will change. It's good you are looking forwards. I am trying to do that too, one step at a time though as I am still unsure of everything.

2018 is a new year and the first one without dad but I have to embrace it as he would want me to get on with my life. That's what parents do they want us to be happy. Let me know how you are and how you are getting on xx