Author Topic: A Really Bad Day  (Read 4345 times)

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Offline Brian71

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A Really Bad Day
« on: September 11, 2016, 10:48:56 PM »
Well today has been particularly bad today,  for some reason I've just been thinking about my wife all day.  It's been 5mths and I thought I was starting to come to terms, with just the odd day of tears,  but today has been one of the worst so far.

I didn't get up till 10.30am, and from the time I awoke,  I just kept having these thoughts going through my head,   memories, and just thinking about her all the time,  it's been a while since I had one this bad, as I started getting those dark thoughts return today about not wanting to carry on,  I thought I'd overcome those.

I showered and shaved, and went out about 2pm,   just driving miles.... sort of aimlessly,  with a long walk along the river later in Hereford, in fact I had several walks,  one around a large park, and again along the river in Worcester,  I really don't know where the time went to,  as I didn't return home until about 9.30pm, though I did drop in a pub for a small carvery on the way home, as I had not eaten all day.   I hope I don't get days like this too often....not good.

I hope your day was much better.
 :hug:
« Last Edit: September 12, 2016, 12:22:56 AM by Brian71 »

Offline Emz2014

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Re: A Really Bad Day
« Reply #1 on: September 12, 2016, 09:13:40 AM »
Well done for tackling your dark thoughts and getting dressed and going out, that's a good way to tackle them.   :hug: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Julie Magson

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Re: A Really Bad Day
« Reply #2 on: September 12, 2016, 03:19:36 PM »
Yes can only echo what Em said Brian. The more people's posts I read both on here and in the FB section, 5 months seems to be a particular time for this- I'm at 5 months too and had a bad day yesterday.
Wishes that everyone's day has some kindness in it today. :heart:

Offline Hubby

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Re: A Really Bad Day
« Reply #3 on: September 12, 2016, 09:01:30 PM »
Hope you had a better day Brian.

I'm coming up on six moths and Im also having a bit of a setback at present. Maybe its something to do with the weather or mthe days getting shorter.?  :undecided:

Offline Brian71

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Re: A Really Bad Day
« Reply #4 on: September 13, 2016, 12:30:09 AM »
Thanks folks...yes today was a bit better,  I didn't go out today instead I had a lethargic day basically doing very little at home,  but no tears today.

Offline longedge

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Re: A Really Bad Day
« Reply #5 on: September 13, 2016, 12:12:50 PM »
Hi Brian, I'm not sure whether you've had any counselling sessions or similar or whether you've done any reading around the subject of gried but if you Google "whirlpool of grief" you'll find a lot of stuff that explains the process that we're going through. Chris died last Oct 23rd so I'm just short of a year and my last few weeks have been really bad. Just when you think you are coming out of it you get plunged back into the 'whirlpool'.

At least the sun is shining this morning so perhaps things are brightening up    :smiley:
I'll never get over losing her and I used to think that eventually
I would learn to live with it - that's not happened yet.

        ~ I'm George by the way ~

Offline Brian71

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Re: A Really Bad Day
« Reply #6 on: September 13, 2016, 12:59:58 PM »
Hello George,  yes I've read up lots on the subject and like others here I tick all the boxes.  I did go along for one Cruse counselling session some weeks ago,  as I had promised my daughter I would do so,  but strangely I went through that meeting without barely any emotions at all,   it was if on the morning of the meeting I had gone into some self preservation mode,  I put a suit and tie on, almost as if I was going for a job interview and felt full of confidence and self assurance....very strange.   AIS I showed barely any emotions at all, no tears, nothing.  After explaining to the lady how my wife had suddenly passed away, in fact I showed her a copy of the 3-page formal complaint letter I had sent to the hospital, which explained it better than my telling her,  and I noticed after she read it that she had tears in her eyes, and I actually said...it looks like you need counselling more than I...lol   she said...yes it does choke you up a little when you read that.

Basically,  I felt, there were bereaved people out there that needed their services more than I, and so I told her I didn't want any further counselling.   I'm coping like the rest of us George,  but you do get those bad days, even months down the road.

I think the worst bit is the loneness,  I need to keep my mind occupied more, as one can keep going over repeating what happened in your mind, almost like a form of self denial, because you still can't believe what's happened.  The realisation that your very reason for living is no longer here, and I feel she had a rough deal too because right up to two days before her death  doctors have been telling her it's nothing serious, it's a just a chest infection.  For two years they had been saying she's clear, cancer had not returned but they were totally mistaken.   They even discharged her from the A&E a week before her death when she was taken in with shortness of breath after collapsing in the supermarket,  giving her a prescription for antibiotics and saying go back to your doctor if it doesn't clear up within 2weeks, she was dead within 7 days....idiots!

So I keep reliving those last few days George,  I'm so full of anger....you would not believe.  I'm still awaiting the results of the formal investigation the hospital are doing... it's been 5 months now.   TBH...I don't think I can move forwards until that's been settled,  I'm trying but it's not easy,  but you know that yourself only too well.....like others here.

You take care my friend..
 :hug:
« Last Edit: September 13, 2016, 01:13:50 PM by Brian71 »

Offline angela33

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Re: A Really Bad Day
« Reply #7 on: September 13, 2016, 03:12:36 PM »
I so recognise the patterns Brian and others replying to him are talking about. It feels especially difficult I find when I have gone through a period of feeling a little steadier and begin to think maybe I am going to create a new and different life for myself and then, sometimes for no apparent reason at all I find myself in the place of despair that I was in from the very early weeks and months. It feels like a particularly cruel twist of the knife somehow.  I feel similar to you Brian regarding the loneliness - I was never someone who identified myself as being in a 'joined at the hip' marriage where my identity was that of 'wife' - in fact John and I did lots of things separately and had different interests, but our love of and ownership of horses was at the core of our relationship and we had a deep connection through that. And now I am quite alone (except for Harris the Westie - my lifesaver!) I find it really hard to get a sense of who I am now and am realising that despite not living in each other's pockets, we were deeply joined and supported by our relationship and it provided a kind of protective buffer against the darker aspects of the world today. So I can feel very vulnerable now, especially in the evening and night when John's absence feels most acute and the thought of pushing forward through this seems like an almost impossible, Herculean task.  But then I look back to 2nd December 2015 when he died and see that I have pushed, stumbled, cried and tottered forward, despite it feeling impossible.

You made me smile fondly Brian when you described how you dressed in your suit and tie for your meeting with the Cruse counsellor. When John attended his Cancer clinic sessions over the weeks, months and years following his diagnosis with mouth cancer, he too would dress immaculately (he was always beautifully turned out - even up at the stables when I was inevitably grubby and a bit scruffy, he would always look smart in shirt, tie, jodphurs, boots and jacket - put me to shame many a time!) anyway, he resisted any attempts by the cancer and its treatment to make him feel a victim and this immaculate self presentation was one of his ways of blowing a raspberry at it! It was also a way of maintaining his identity of who he was pre-cancer.

Jeez, people who haven't been in this dreadful bereavement club have no idea how dark it can be sometimes.  Reading all your posts does help so much so thank you everyone for helping me keep going forward x

Offline Hubby

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Re: A Really Bad Day
« Reply #8 on: September 13, 2016, 10:56:09 PM »
Glad your day was better today Brian. We all need good days.