Hello Sara,
Sending you a huge welcome hug
I am so sorry to hear about your mum. 57 is so young and this must be so very hard for you, especially as it was so quick and it sounds like you didn't have an opportunity to talk to her either. You must be in so much shock right now.
I lost my mum in 2017, so I am a little farther down the road than you are and it is different for me, as my mum was much older than yours and had been ill for many years, so I always knew it was going to happen at some point. That said, however, it was still a huge shock when it did and like you, it left me feeling very alone and very scared. I think the loss of a parent always does, whatever your age or circumstances.
This is all still very raw for you and I also understand what you mean about the fact of her being in the ground. This is exactly what was in my mind too. It is very hard to comprehend and accept and brings it home to you as little else does. Something I came to understand though, is that she is not only there, she is in my thoughts and memories and heart every day. Clearly your mum is too. That comes across in your post. Your mum left you the legacy of all the days she was with you and those will never leave you. You knew her like no one else and when you need help, you can turn to that knowledge to know what she would have advised you to do in any situation in your future. You will never truly be without her.
What helped me most when I was at the point you are were small things. I put together an album of favourite photos of her that I could look at when missing her. Some people also make a memory box of special momentos and a memory book they write down all their memories of their lost loved one in too. Some prefer to put these on little bits of paper that they put in a jar so they can pull one out at random when they want to re-live a memory. You might find this helpful. I also found having flowers around comforting and walking in the park. It was comforting for me to have a calm pretty place to go to gather my thoughts and try to process my feelings. I also found it comforting to see the benches placed there by other people in memory of those they had lost and still loved.
Love goes on. It does not die, not even with the person you have lost. You say you are unsure about a life after death. I am older than you so have had time to think about that for longer than you. I do believe in it, but that's because I have now been around long enough to have had experiences of strange things that indicate that it does exist to me. I don't know if you have heard of the theory of feathers being a sign that someone you have loved and lost is still close to you, but, along with other things, I have found feathers that could not have got there in any normal way when I have had some upset or worry that has upset me. Perhaps there was some normal explanation I don't know about, but I think it was a sign of support from my parents. I have also had dreams and other signs that they are still watching over me, so you may be unsure, but I suspect your mum will still be close by watching over you too. You will form your own opinion on this as time passes. Love transcends life.
Going back to practical matters. I found it terribly arduous to deal with anything practical that needed to be done in those first few months and it is still hard now, eighteen months on, but was like climbing a mountain then. Still, you need to make sure you have access to money and that, if you have to deal with inheritance tax, that you start closing her accounts and getting letters from the banks to show how much was in them. You need to change the bills into your name, if that is relevant in your situation. Do you live with family? If she had a car, make sure it is taxed and MOTd if you use it and that you are insured to drive it. I think that's most of the practical things.
On a personal basis, you say you have friends and family, so that is good. Mine were very scarce. I was my mum's carer, so had no time to devote to anything else really, other than work. I found the loneliness just made me think too much and could feel myself on the verge of slipping into a deep depression with all the pain of grief overwhelming me, so I knew I had to do something to preserve my sanity. It was very hard and pretty scary, but I decided I needed to find something to help myself. I joined a class, doing something my mum had also enjoyed and it meant I got out of the house a couple of times a week and had to engage with the world again, instead of just shutting myself away. It was the best thing I could have done and I would highly recommend it. It took me out of myself and made me think about something else for a couple of hours a week. It took my mind off my troubles and helped me feel I was moving forward a little into my future without my mum and that felt encouraging, because it helped show me there was a future. It's hard to see that when you are grieving. Best of all, I made one or two really good friends there who really helped. We text and have a bit of fun at the class we go to. This, I still feel, was what saved me. Without it, I really believe I would be in a far worse place than I am today, so I would say to you to try to do the same. You will find it helps. You just have to be brave and take that first step. Friends, I have found, especially the new ones, can be a much better source of support than your family or friends. I don't hide my loss from them. I am honest about what has brought me there and people have been really supportive. I hope you find that too.
Other than that, I would remind you to eat and drink properly. That is such an effort when you are grieving, but it is important. It won't help if you make yourself ill. Sleep is a problem still. I still only sleep for a couple of hours at a time unless i am exhausted - the class helps with this! So, if I can't sleep, I get up and do something else until I feel tired enough to try again, otherwise your mind just goes over and over all that has happened and you just upset yourself more. A good release that helps with this, is to write down in a diary or journal, how you feel every day. It helps you process all your thoughts and feelings. It helps to talk on here too and that really helped me feel less alone. I didn't know before I joined this site, how similar all the thoughts and experiences are that all of us who have lost someone go through. It really helped me feel less isolated and to understand what was happening to me and all I was feeling, so don't be shy about talking to us on here, Sara. We all understand as have sadly been there ourselves. It also gives you hope to hear from those a bit further along the path than you too and gives you some hope that it will get better and it does. It just takes time.
You will never 'get over' it. Loss is something that changes you, changes your life and your future, so it is a massive change to get used to and your life going forward will be different because of it, you will too, but it does get better. It is probably hard for you to think it will at the moment, but I look back now at my own diary entries from earlier in my journey along this lonely path and I can see I have made progress. You will too. It just takes time and it takes effort. You need to find strategies that will help you. For me it was flowers, walks in the park and my class. It may be something else for you, but use whatever helps, whatever brings even a tiny, faint smile to your face.
I am sitting here typing this and have suddenly found a tiny white feather on the end of my finger! Not sure where that came from, but likely mum is smiling at me trying to help someone in the same situation as me.
Take comfort, Sara. Love doesn't die.
One day at a time, one minute at a time, if need be. Look after yourself and do whatever helps. Thinking of you.
