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[Izzlesnizzle]

Today marks 5 years since my lovely dad passed away. I miss him so much. Yesterday and today have been such a struggle to get through. I just feel like I don't want to be around anyone and I just want to be on my own. My husband has forgotten it's dad's anniversary and for some reason he's being really horrible to me the last few days which is just intensifying my grief.
I think people think you've moved on and youre ok now because you don't talk about it and you get on with life but then grief is like a sledgehammer. You're ok/ numb/ whatever then it just smacks you around the head when you're not expecting it. I guess I was expecting it this time though as it's the 5 year anniversary. I've been so busy with work and the kids but the replaying of the events leading up to his death have been creeping in over the past few days and my husband has been so short tempered with me that it's tipped me over the edge and I can't stop crying. The kids need me and I'm trying my best not to let them see me cry but it's hard.....

[Sandra61]

So sorry, Izzlenizzle. I had the same experience as Mother's Day was approaching this year. I lost my mum about eighteen months ago. I think unless someone has been through a close personal loss, they just don't understand how it will always be with you and go on upsetting you even years down the road. I lost my dad more than thirty years ago now and I still think of him every day - and talk to him most days!

I know it's hard when you have a family to cope with too. How about making them part of the anniversary and you all marking it together as a family, so that the children are reminded of their granddad too? I know some people have a day out to a  place that has significance with the memory of their lost loved one and release balloons or just have  a lovely day out remembering them. It might help you too to let them see that losing him still upsets you, rather then trying to hide it from them, so that they can help you, or at least see that loss is something that matters to people. It might fortify them a little for future years.

Can you have a chat with your husband to see what it is that's upsetting him? Maybe if you can get to the bottom of that, you can support eachother.

Otherwise, can you somehow take a little time to yourself to acknowledge your own feelings? Maybe visit the memorial to spend a little time with your dad?

If nothing else, we all understand here how you must be feeling. It may improve at
times, but then, at others, it was like it just happened yesterday - even after 30 years! It will get better again. Until then, at least you can get some support here.

Sorry not to be of more help, Izzlenizzle, but, for me, just knowing someone else cared and understood was a help when I was feeling low, so I hope this helps you too.

Sending strength and a hug..xx

[Izzlesnizzle]

Thank you so much for the reply. We have a star magnolia in the garden that flowers around his anniversary every year. Usually each year we will go to it and say a few words with the kids but this year we haven't. I think we should.

My husband has had a cold and has been like a bear with a sore head. He doesn't cope very well when he's ill. I have since told him that I was feeling very low and sad and he felt really bad for forgetting and a bit later came home with chocolate and ice cream to say sorry!

I still can't believe it's been 5 years since I last spoke to my dad. He said a few weeks before he died that he didn't want me to be distraught when the time came and I always remember him saying that.

Thanks again for the support. It's much appreciated.

[Diane1969]

Hi my name is Diane I'm 49 years old and just lost my husband who was 53 years old unexpectedly and suddenly of a massive heart attack. I am now on my own and don't know how to carry on without my husband we met when I was 18 and I miss him so much the pain and greif is unbearable. I have a little dog and he is getting me up every morning if I didn't have him I wouldn't even bother getting out of bed he is keeping me going at the mo I wish it was me that died I am devastated and hope when I go to sleep I don't wake up.

[Sandra61]

So sorry to hear of the loss of your husband, Diane. My dad died of a heart attack too, many years ago now, but you never stop missing them! This must have been such a shock for you, Diane. I know how you feel. It is hard to feel any other way for a while after a close loss, but things do slowly get a little better. Really. For the moment, I hope it helps just to know that we here, do at least understand and you are not alone. Keep talking to us on here and I am sure you will get lots of help and support. 

Izzlenizzle, I am so glad you seem to have resolved the miscommunication between yourself and your husband. That is a relief for me to hear, so I am sure it must be a huge relief to you! I agree, I think you should mark the anniversary of the loss of your dad with your family and I expect you will now.

I am feeling rather guilty at present, as I did not get to the cemetery on Mother's Day. I should have taken flowers, but have a lot of work to do at home at the moment and as my brother was free to be able to come and help me, we did that instead, so I will have to go soon and make amends! I am sure we will both feel better once we have made the gesture.

It never goes away - the responsibility of remembering or the pain of the loss - does it? Even when they are gone, your loved ones are still part of your life for as long as you live. You still have to do your best to go on paying tribute to them and expressing your love for them, because that never goes away either. At least that is a comforting thought.

I hope you are feeling better, Izzlenizzle. Sending you a hug too..xx