Yes I had panic attacks and am generally more anxious than I was previously.but its not surprising really,none of us planned for being alone,even when we knew it was a possibility,there is always one left behind,that possibility was always sometime in the future.Even though,as we had both been widowed before,and as friends before it was even a relationship had discussed this in a general way, as in a reason not to have any new relationships ( let alone with each other) but in the end we got married and had learned nothing from before.There wernt any plans or preparation,for this.and with me what is silly is that when it comes too most of the things that I get anxious about I would have been the decision maker,the problem is not having anyone to question,point out faults or approve them,and no one to say it will be alright.I don't have panic attacks any more,but I like to have a well thought out plan and a back up for things I am going to do,but also at the same time the complete contradiction of taking each thing as it comes,because one thing all this has taught me is that there is no predictable future.
Sponteneity has pretty much gone out of the window. I dont drink because i need to feel in control.
I love to travel but inside the confident looking middle aged experienced traveller is a quavering wreck.The confidence comes from planning . I,m at the airport early,if I have a transit I go straight to the boarding gate to check where it is before doing anything else.If I,m going on the train I want to check out the whole route,have plenty of time for platform changes,have an alternative route or alternative trains if I miss one.I can cope with most things as long as I have a plan but it isn't like I used to be.
I also have props,usually a camera,to justify being somewhere,make it look like I have purpose.
Everyday things,vehicle repairs plumbing etc becomes a more major thing than it really is,finding my limits was interesting (lost my front teeth felling a tree) would never touch electrics,but for many things it has been a case of taking a deep breath calming down,remembering how he did something or googling,then getting stuck in.In the last few weeks I,be filled a hole and resprayed the campervan wheel arches, and fixed the loo,you will perhaps be surprised at what you can do but getting the confidence to do it like everything else on this journey takes time.
On an emotional level the idea of spending the rest of my life alone terrified me,but at the same time the idea of being in another relationship was unthinkable too, so I,m more accepting of that now.I wouldn't rule it out but I,m certainly not looking,just take life as it comes,and slay the monsters that have to be slain,and ignore the ones that dont.