Hello Carole,
So sorry you have reason to come and find us. I am so sorry to hear about your husband Kenny. 46 is no age. I am glad you were lucky enough to have had more than twenty years together though. The depth of feeling you had for him comes across in your post, so I am guessing you must have a treasure trove of memories to help you in finding your way into your future.
I am sure it is quite normal to feel frightened. You've suffered a huge upheaval in your life and a change of circumstances that must feel unreal to you at the moment, plus you are processing that and missing Kenny, so it will take time to reach acceptance and understanding of all that, quite apart from finding a way forward. So as Emz advises, just be gentle with yourself for now. It is a huge change for you.
I was my mother's carer for many years and also felt somewhat at sea after I lost her too. Suddenly there are a lot of things you don't need to do anymore and I recall, a few months after she'd died, watching a comedy show that she used to love and sitting there, part of my mind enjoying the show and finding it funny, whilst also sitting there in floods of tears, because she wasn't there to see it too. It wasn't that I felt guilty, but just that I missed her being there. I am sure your husband wouldn't want you to feel guilty for doing anything that you enjoy or that makes you feel better. I suspect the guilt you talk about stems from the days when you were caring for him and sometimes felt you would like to take a break and watch something for an hour or so. I don't think you should feel guilty about that either though. Caring is draining and exhausting and stressful. so it is quite normal to want a rest and a break once in a while. I am sure he would not blame you for that. Don't feel guilty for doing anything that helps you to feel better. You are the priority now.
I think you did the right thing to tell his family he had died, despite his wishes. Mu mum was estranged from her brother and was not told when he died and that always worried and upset her. She was told by one of my cousins that he had had a stroke at one point, so she worried about him and would like to have seen him, but she and my aunt had fallen out years before and my aunt would not allow them to have any contact with one another. I always felt that was very cruel and it worried my mum right up to the end that they had never had a a chance to make it up and see one another again and she always wanted to know what happened to him, but was never told. So I think you did do the right thing. People, however they feel about one another, need to know, I think. My dad's family all lived abroad, so he rarely heard what was happening to them either and i am sure he would have liked to know more about their lives too, so I would say you did the right thing.
As far as the cars go, I had two cars for a while after my mum died. I bought one that was easier for mum to get into and out of a couple of years before she died, but still kept the old one as it was very comfortable for me to drive. After she died, I eventually sold it on Ebay,as could no longer afford to keep two cars and no longer needed two either. I tried getting a price from a couple of those firms that advertise that they buy any car, but was only offered a fraction of what I eventually got for it. I ended up selling it for about £500 more than they had offered, so I would recommend selling the cars privately. Perhaps this is something your friend could help you with, but I wouldn't worry about that too much yet. It can wait.
It sounds like it is very early days for you still, so give yourself time to recover from the shock of your loss. It will take time to adjust to your new situation and likely many tears along the way, as well as a tangle of confusing feelings. It is normal to feel like it isn't real for a while. Sadly, acceptance of reality does gradually sink in, as it must, but that can take months, so don't expect anything to change very soon. That's OK too. Loss is a huge shock to the system, both physically and emotionally and all the practical problems (like what to do with your cars) don't help, so as Emz advises, do just be gentle with yourself for now and just try to make sure you eat and drink enough. We often forget to do that at times like this and that doesn't help either. Other than that, do whatever else helps. I found having flowers in the house and walking in the park felt very calming and helpful. As long as you can pay the bills and take care of your daily needs, everything else can wait, so just concentrate on taking care of you for now. I am sure that will be quite enough to cope with.
Keep talking to us on here. You will find loads of support here and on the Facebook Group, as we are all in the same boat, albeit at different points along the way in this painful and difficult journey, so everyone will understand how you are feeling and have good advice to offer. I find this site a huge help and comfort. If nothing else, it helps you know you are not alone.
Sending strength and hugs xx
