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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: My mum passed away 6 months ago
« Last post by Emz2014 on October 21, 2017, 10:00:48 AM »
Sending a welcome hug  :hug:

6 months isnt long in this grief journey, especially as you've had other big changes in your life.  Even things like weddings bring their own stress. A feeling of guilt seems normal for bereavement, i know I felt that myself. 
I know coming here to talk helped me, being able to talk about how I felt and people understand really helped.  Its a lovely group xx
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thank you for your kind words i have a lot of support around me but like being on my own to grieve i dont like upsetting people i love and burden them with my problems
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / My mum passed away 6 months ago
« Last post by Tim_D on October 20, 2017, 04:40:28 PM »
Hello All

My mum passed away just over 6 months ago now, and my dad passed away 25 years ago.  The last year has been very tough, and so many changes in my life its sometimes feels a bit overwhelming and surreal.  Just to explain things without going into too much detail.  My mum brought us 3 kids up, since my dad passed when I was 15.  She was very independent, and completely selfless and did everything for  myself, brother and sister.  In the beginning of 2016, my mum was well (except having a hip replacement).  In the Spring time, she started showing unusual behaviour, which we initially  put down to  the pain killers due to the hip operation.  As time progressed, she came off the pain killers and behaviour got worse.  She became apathetic, less emotional, confused, got dates and times mixed up and alarm bells started to ring.  After a battle with the NHS, and mis-diagnosis of a stroke she was diagnosed with Motor Neuron Disease (ALS) with Frontotemporal dementia in September 2016.

Since September 2016, her decline was rapid.  We had to move her to my sisters and she was no longer safe to live in her home of 30 years.  Sadly in January, things progressed even more and with regret we had to move her to a nursing home.  She had lost her speech, and could no longer eat and had a feeding tube.  To add to everything going on, I got married in January (this was pushed forward from May due to my mumís illness).  The disease spread, and my mumís dementia got worse as did the motor neuron and my mum was being taken away from us bit by bit.  In April, she had an awful fall at the home as her mobility was so bad, which sadly she never recovered from and passed away 3 days later.

Iím finding things hard, although I know Iím most probably doing as well as expected, but would really like some thoughts, suggestions from you.  I am very fortunate for a loving and caring wife who I can talk to, and brother and sister.  Although apart from another friend that has been very supportive, I donít really talk to others about how I am and feelings.  Iíll just list some of the things Iím struggling with below:-

1.   I have some awful memories of how my mum was during her illness.  I have a very visual mind, so I can recall conversations, incidents very accurately and these memories are constantly triggered, I know my brother has the same problem and most likely has some worse memories.  My mumís dementia wasnít the usual type you associate with memory loss.  Frontotemporal dementia, is all about losing cognitive ability, lack of emotions, loosing language ability, completing tasks.  So from being such an independent woman, she was reduced to a shadow of her formal self.

2.   I know I shouldnít feel guilt, and this isnít a major part of the problem but I do from time to time, although I donít believe any of us could have done more, and I know my mum would have never blame us.  I feel guilty we had to move her from her home, to my sisters and to the nursing home.  I also feel guilty not knowing how much pain she was in her last few days of life.  I also feel guilty we werenít able to spend any enjoyable time together in the last year, as everything was a constant battle by the time we knew what was wrong she was very unwell and not mentally well.

3.   The last few months I have felt quite lonely.  My wife has been brilliant, but I donít have a big family except my brother and sister and their families and my mum was the core of the family.  I miss her terribly at times, and sometimes find it hard to be with my wifeís family.  They also have been very supportive, but I canít help but feel what I am missing out on when Iím with her parents, maybe a bit of jealously.  The vast majority of people at work, have never approached the subject of my mum which made me feel even more isolated.  Friends have been supportive, but after a month or two they never approach the subject and act as if nothing has changed now.

4.   I do feel Iíve lost such a major part of my life, not just my mum (which of course she was a major part).  My brother, sister and I were all brought up in Wales, but all moved when we went to Uni and none of us have lived there for years.  We would always regularly visit our mum in Wales, it was the family home, for about 30+ years.  We are also going through the sale of the house and having to wade through years of memories.  Once the sale goes through, its unlikely we will visit again.  There is no family alive on my dadís side, and on my mumís side we rarely see them, although they have been supportive during the last year.

5.   To say the last year has been a roller coaster is an understatement.  There has been so much change to my life I struggle to take it all in sometimes, and now in the last few months the pace of life has slowed down, most probably resulting in me thinking about things much more.  In the last year Iíve moved house, had to deal with my mumís illness, got married, mum passed away, had a 2nd wedding celebration a week after the funeral (which was meant to be the original wedding), and turned 40.

6.   I do from time to time have dreams about my mum.  Iím lucky they arenít awful, but they do often feature my mum being unwell and on occasion can really bring me down.

7.   I have thought about talking to someone professionally, but part of me thinks I just need time and part of me feels unsure who to talk to.  I donít just want to talk to someone about grief, as a lot of the pain Iím suffering is due to the illness my mum had.  As the combination of motor neuron and frontotemporal dementia is rare (and the type of dementia is often confused with the type that causes memory loss).  I donít really know anyone who can help except the hospice but they have already said they canít help as I donít live in the area.


Sorry the email is so long, but I really appreciate the time and any thoughts you may have
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General Discussion / Re: Daily Well Wishing Thoughts for Everyone.
« Last post by Karena on October 20, 2017, 11:42:30 AM »
There will be other opportunities - but this particular site at this time of year is magical  and its around keiths birthday - so it was going to be a bit of kick back "me" time during the day when everyone went off to the beer festival. -  but the decision was made this morning when my 13 year old grandson rang out of the blue to say he was hoping i wasnt going, it was quite a random thing to do but i think i have to listen too mine (and his) instincts on this now. but youre right -having confidence in your  instincts is still confidence. :hug:
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Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / Re: when does the pain get better
« Last post by Fleur on October 20, 2017, 07:16:26 AM »
I went through a phase when the grief seemed to get worse too, some days are just like that.
 :hug:
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General Discussion / Re: Daily Well Wishing Thoughts for Everyone.
« Last post by Fleur on October 20, 2017, 07:10:35 AM »
I think your confidence is intact in this instance Karina, camping in the storm won't be much fun I'm sure and there will be other opportunities won't there?

Keep safe.
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General Discussion / Re: Daily Well Wishing Thoughts for Everyone.
« Last post by Karena on October 19, 2017, 08:43:02 PM »
 :hug:well done,it would be so easy to stay in in this gloomy weather and hibernate.

I took the dog back tonight going to miss him ( watching paul o grady isnt helping ) but there is no doubt he was happy to be home and running around with the kids.

I am now debating with myself over the weekend camping trip having seen the storm Brian forecast I think I am not going.
Its not so much being there in the bad weather but driving back on country lanes possibly flooded and in high winds.I hate that my confidence has come too this  but I just have a bad feeling about it.
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Sending a welcome hug  :hug:  the pain will get easier, but its a gradual journey.  Concentrate on a day at a time.  Have you got some support around you for your son? xx
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Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / when does the pain get better
« Last post by macca74 on October 19, 2017, 07:36:08 PM »
My husband died of cancer four months ago, the pain is unbearable some days i cry every night we have a four year old son who was diagnosed with autism when graham was diagnosed with cancer, days can be difficult with dealing with our son i work full time and try to hold things together for him the grief seems to get worse not better
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General Discussion / Re: Daily Well Wishing Thoughts for Everyone.
« Last post by Fleur on October 19, 2017, 05:19:49 PM »
I went out today and got soaked in the pouring rain....oh well, it was better than sitting here on my own.
Keep well everyone.  :hug:
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