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Sending a welcome hug  :hug: xx
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After 32 years of love ,working , caring , struggle, lots of laughs, my Henry died on the 15 th of june 2017 aged 64.
The last few tears were increasingly difficult and we came to believe that no matter how hard we could overcome the problems ,. ever increasing equipment , care , nurses , hospital visits . He seemed invincible but he wasn't . 
His heart struggled more and more to cope until it could not sustain him . It was all very traumatic .He died in hospital in my arms and I cannot get this moment out of my mind . So still .So gone .
I am now alone and gripped by sadness . My heart feels heavy like a rock. I feel weak , I ache , exhausted but also calm .
Nothing seems to matter anymore .Even though his life was difficult with MD and heart failure he always cheerful and hard working , he did so much for me and my two girls that he helped bring up . I am so  very grateful to him and life for having given us this gift.
But now every day there are tears and tears .. It is like the sun has set and life is over .
I get up early and try to sort his stuff out , photos , writing , unfinished projects ..
The girls do everything they can to help and it does help but it feels very lonely even in a crowd  .
There is great love and support from friends and family but I have to spend lots of time on my own , sleep a lot ,  putting on weight .
The grand children are very sweet and I am able to make the effort to give them time but i don't want them to see me unhappy.
Distractions like gardening and workshop help a bit , but mostly its just sitting about staring into space and going over things in my head .
Thanks for listening .
Grief is tough.

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General Discussion / Re: Everyday general chat, everyone welcome, just join in
« Last post by Karena on August 19, 2017, 08:00:03 PM »
Tomatoes need sunlight to ripen but this year mine have got no further than flowering,I don't think there's is any hope for mine,but there is time for yours to go red yet.Last year I was still picking them in October.Everything is late here,plums still not ripe,courgettes still flowering,squashes not formed,beans only just starting to fill,purple broccoli not flowered.the only thing romping away is spinach,which I,m probably going to be eating by the ton for the next week,before it bolts.Today has been awful,been running in and outvto tie the gazebo down,finally gave up and collapsed it right down.rained more than not rained,and I have only just resisted lighting the stove.Duvet is back on the bed,I don't imagine its going to suddenly get warm again.
Enjoy your crumble tomorrow,my favourite pudding.
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General Discussion / Re: Everyday general chat, everyone welcome, just join in
« Last post by Emz2014 on August 19, 2017, 06:58:12 PM »
Does anyone know anything about tomatoes?  When are they likely to turn red?

Harvested some cooking apples and blackberries today and have stewed them ready for a crumble.  Unfortunately found my butter was a month out of date so have to wait until I pop and get some tomorrow before making a crumble! Xx
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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Hello all!
« Last post by Scared1 on August 17, 2017, 03:17:24 AM »
Thank you Beth  :hug: Sorry it's taken a while to reply. I'm so sorry to hear about your Grandad passing too  :candle: Yes let's hope both of us and all on this site some how find the strength we need xxxx
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General Discussion / Re: Going backwards
« Last post by dizzylizzy on August 16, 2017, 09:37:29 AM »
Thankyou for replying. It makes me feel better knowing what I am feeling is not unusual. I read on the NHS site that after 18 months it usually is less at the forefront so I think I've been expecting it to suddenly stop hurting as much as putting pressure on myself to not feel sad anymore. Xx
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Sending a welcome hug  :hug:

Personally I found the emotions changed in intensity - the feelings would be so bad at the beginning it would feel physical pain.  I found over time, sometimes the grief was harder than other times (so, it may be despair initially, then sadness another). Gradually over time easier days come between the bad days, until there are a few more easier days between the bad and the bad is not as painful.  It can be so gradual it can be hard to notice.  Sometimes keeping a diary/journal can help - reading back over the posts you realise/notice this change in intensity. I know some members have done that here, posting each day, and on a future bad day can sometimes remind you how far you've come on the journey already and give that glimmer of hope of the light at the end of the tunnel

Our losses change us, they never leave us and we will always have times we will miss our loved ones but gradually over time we can build life back up around us again, taking our loved ones with us (in memories, stories etc)   :hug: xx
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General Discussion / Re: Going backwards
« Last post by Emz2014 on August 16, 2017, 08:28:11 AM »
I found it was a rollercoaster of emotions.  The first year was hard, sometimes feeling had taken a step forward, then two steps back.  For a while I couldn't recognise myself and the way i was reacting. The second year brought different challenges.  I think society makes us believe all will be ok after the firsts, but it takes longer than that. 
Its just over 4 years now for me, since I lost my dad suddenly just after his 59th birthday.  I can say gradually over that time it has become easier to cope.  I still get times when I feel down, anniversaries or certain memories but I also remember more happy memories too now  :hug: xx
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Hi thanks for your reply, I was hoping it was going to get easier. How do you deal with the loneliness?
A year is a long time to be lonely I hope you are coping ok too
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Hi there and welcome, sorry to hear of your husband
8 weeks is a very short time and emotions are all over the place. You are doing well if at work and coping with that
I am a year on an still feel same as you, so lonely and quiet
 :hug:
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