Author Topic: This loss never goes ......  (Read 2193 times)

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Offline RT

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This loss never goes ......
« on: February 22, 2018, 01:05:23 AM »
I was 7 years old nearly 50 years ago when I heard a thud in the kitchen . I called out to my mum and ran there only to find her collapsed on the floor . I cradled her head in my arms and tried to revive her but failed miserably . To this day I cannot forget . I have good days but also bad ones , I wish I could find a way to forgive myself but I just cannot. My father worked all the hours that he could so that he could keep a roof over our heads and eventually he collapsed when I was 15 and died after an excruciating illness over many months in hospital. I just keep reliving these memories and at times just cannot cope . I now have a wonderful son and a good job but still cannot seem to accept the past and let go. Apologies if I’ve gone on for too long but just having one of those long nights where the tears keep coming back and I just feel devastated all over again.....

Offline Emz2014

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Re: This loss never goes ......
« Reply #1 on: February 22, 2018, 08:12:26 AM »
Sending a welcome hug  :hug:

We never get over our loss/losses, we only learn how to cope. Are you having recurring flashbacks? If so it may help to consider some counselling, some schools of therapy have great treatments for recurring distressing thoughts like that. Have a chat with your gp and see what help they can offer

It's really hard as guilt is a normal part of grief but you certainly weren't to blame. Being so young it's so easy to take on that responsibility, thinking we should have done more but you did all you could and that was enough  :hearts:  maybe you can explore ways to start forgiving yourself?

We're not professionals here but all people who have lost loved ones, so understand.  It helps to talk about it xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline RT

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Re: This loss never goes ......
« Reply #2 on: February 22, 2018, 09:06:23 AM »
Thank you for your kind words. I seem in the last few years to be having more and more flashbacks . Generally it’s at night , I fall asleep and suddenly wake up with my heart thumping and i’m Back in that kitchen experiencing those feelings of utter hopelessness and feeling desperate and powerless. No one in my family talks about it . For years they all spoke in hushed tones about how badly this must have affected me and telling each other not to bring it up with me but just let it be. I think you may be right ..... it’s time to go and see a professional.....   

Offline Karena

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Re: This loss never goes ......
« Reply #3 on: February 22, 2018, 12:05:03 PM »
Hi RT
I agree wholeheartedly with Emz that a visit too your GP and a chat about counselling is a good starting point. as she says you never stop missing them but learn to cope with that loss and that includes resolving Guilt issues, because  - what happened is not your fault but i know us just saying it doesnt  make it just go away, the fact you are saying it is a first step though.

Not talking about it is something people do without any mal intent, but without really understanding that they are teaching you that silence is the correct way too behave and so you dont get the chance too express your feelings at the time.

To give you an example
My daughter has a friend, x, whose mother had also collapsed and died from an asthma attack when he was around 8. and the same thing had happened people never spoke of her around him . Years later another friend of his had an accident it wasnt serious just needed stitches  but x's response was really OTT. I ended up taking them both down to casualty and while we were waiting tried to reassure X. He was blaming himself for the accident he believed it was his fault because him just being there somehow cursed people.
It came out then that his mum had asked him to cut the grass but he had been playing out with his friends and not done it  -so she did it herself and that was potentially what brought the asthma attack on -but all these years later he was finally able to "confess" this.He was 8 and of course it wasnt his fault but he had been living with this guilt for so long that it had manifested itself into the belief he was cursed and would lose others around him as punishment.Just as with your flashbacks silence doesnt make it go away and without an outlet for those thoughts they became enshrined in his head.

We are not professionals here but we are all at some stage of grief, and i found alonside counselling just having somewhere to come where people do understand and having a means to express your feelings by writing here makes a difference -so for example you could start a diary or write a letter as though you were writing too your parents just expressing your feelings because while expressing them you start to make sense of them.

Offline RT

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Re: This loss never goes ......
« Reply #4 on: February 22, 2018, 12:17:03 PM »
Thank you Karena, you are right I do blame myself , much as in your example , the thing I didn’t make clear was that my mother asked for a glass of water and I was too engrossed in something else to go get it for her. It was when she went to the kitchen to get it for herself that this tragedy happened . Can’t help thinking the ‘what if ‘ thoughts ......

Offline Emz2014

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Re: This loss never goes ......
« Reply #5 on: February 22, 2018, 03:06:34 PM »
the 'what if' thoughts are so common in grief.  And as a child your brain wasn't fully developed to cope with such a shocking thing happening, and children often internalise things, thinking they were to blame - that they should have done x, or y. If you think about any children and when parents divorce they can often feel they are to blame, that they are not good enough or did something wrong.  But it truly is not the childs fault, it's just the way their forming brain has tried to make sense of things happening. 

I know I went through a lot of 'what ifs' - I should have been there, I should have done x, I should have chased earlier.

Exploring these thoughts can certainly help you-  and many therapists are trained in techniques which will help. Don't be afraid to look around - find someone you get on with, understand what they are offering/how they can help you.

I think we can also be harsh on ourselves with our internal speak - when we stop and realise sometimes we find we are saying stuff to ourselves in our head that we would never dream of saying to a friend or anyone else, yet it feels ok to bash ourselves.  I find it helps me to catch any of those thoughts, and remind myself to 'speak' to myself as I would a friend.  If you knew a child who went through a similar experience now consider what you might say to them -perhaps if those words are kinder you can extend them to yourself.  You were only little, you were certainly not to blame.  When we get caught in the 'what if' game there is no end, we may add a what if, but cannot then account for what could have happened afterwards instead but the same ending would likely occur

As the nights have become worse, has there been some other stresses or changes in your life?  Sometimes we can find that when other things are causing difficulties we can struggle more with older wounds/losses.  So might be worth thinking is there any stresses you can identify which you can take some action to relieve?  (such as, if work is stressful, can you get some support, or if you're worried about something are there supportive changes you can make?)

I hope talking with us here helps.  If you haven't had the opportunity to talk about it, it can be hard to process how we feel xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline RT

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Re: This loss never goes ......
« Reply #6 on: February 22, 2018, 03:56:23 PM »
Thank you Emz . I think the signs were  always there , I just ignored them .... that had been my go to procedure .... Bury it so deep that hopefully it won’t affect you. I think the resurgence of this started because I had some shocking thoughts about my son . In 2 years time I will be my dads age when he died and my son will be my age. For no reason whatsoever I am have become fearful and I think this is what’s behind these feelings and thoughts being at the forefront of my mind.

Offline Karena

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Re: This loss never goes ......
« Reply #7 on: February 22, 2018, 07:12:20 PM »
 :hug: I did wonder if the trigger was your son it's a natural fear to have and more so because of your experience..Taking care of things t a practical level might help relieve that a bit.life insurance will etc if you haven't already done that You could even write him letter to be opened in the event of and lodge it with the will just how much you love him are proud of him etc.But at the Same time as worrying about his potential grief you do still need too resolve your own and maybe in doing so be able to ensure that even if the worst happened he will never have to be silent about it in the way you did.

Offline RT

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Re: This loss never goes ......
« Reply #8 on: February 22, 2018, 07:23:37 PM »
Yes I ve done all those practical things but to be honest the best thing is just having someone to listen and reply. I feel much calmer now and I know that doesn’t resolve things and I know I still need to go talk to a counsellor or some such but thank you for listening ... it’s really appreciated. 🙏
These feelings wil build up and return .... they always do . Hopefully I can learn something from all of you on here. I’ve read a lot of posts on here and I know however lonely it might seem ... I am not alone....

Offline Emz2014

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Re: This loss never goes ......
« Reply #9 on: February 22, 2018, 08:05:04 PM »
This forum helped me so much, it really helps to have somewhere people understand and you can talk about how you feel without worrying about someone close panicking or reacting adversely. You may find that continues to help you too

Another thing you could try is to bring your focus to the current time, rather than letting thoughts spiral into worry, focus on spending time with your son now - making memories and being present in the moment.  Can take some practice, but I've found that's helped me.  Too often it's easy to spend time worrying about a potential future happening which doesn't actually come, something else surprises us instead.   :hearts: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx