Author Topic: Suffering  (Read 2379 times)

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Offline Carver

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Suffering
« on: March 03, 2018, 11:05:00 AM »
 :candle: It's been 10months since my wife died after being together for 50years. This is the first time I have confided honestly, albeit remotely, with anyone. My title ´Suffering' is accurate although there are many more expressions I could have used. Time is not healing but is gradually easing the pain. I have many contacts but none can talk as I want them too. I need to express my feelings with others who have experienced this devastation.
I have many interests and pastimes and have joined other activity groups, but none of these take away the constant remorse I feel. Life is hollow and the future bleak. I miss my wife constantly, cry regularly, and just want to be with her.
Does anyone else feel like this? Can it ever improve?

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Suffering
« Reply #1 on: March 03, 2018, 08:54:31 PM »
Sending a welcome hug  :hug:
10 months isnt that long, especially when we think of the time we have had with our loved ones.  It does get easier to cope in time
We have many members here who will understand your journey.  And it does help to talk. Xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Suffering
« Reply #2 on: March 04, 2018, 06:26:53 PM »
I lost my husband 7 years ago.Does it improve yes it does not because we forget move on get over it or any one of those worn out phrases people use.I think we learn to live with it more though.There is never a day I don't think about him and some days with the pain of loss but most days with him still in my life in a different way.The smile when I achieve something is a smile sent too him.sometimes it says see I can fix the car sometimes it says thank you for being in my life sometimes I think what would you do or say in this situation.I am not a joiner and trying to do that just added stress but for me the natural world continually shows me many reasons too still be here but I haven't always felt this way.Finding this site has been a lifeline too.We are all at different stages on this dreadful grief journey but because of that sad circumstance this is a place you can express feelings knowing that others understand.

Offline Carver

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Re: Suffering
« Reply #3 on: March 04, 2018, 06:36:18 PM »
Just off to one of my new interests so will respond to your post later. Thanks

Offline Carver

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Re: Suffering
« Reply #4 on: March 04, 2018, 10:43:52 PM »
 :candle: Back from choir practice. Always feel enlivened after that before going off to bed to say good night to my lovely. I'm learning many things about bereavement, the first was that the loss of a partner is like no other loss I.e. parents, etc. Wellwishers say ´time will heal´, 'you'll get over it´, things like that, but they really don't know what it's like because they've not experienced that kind of loss. It is still difficult to cope with the down times. Nothing else in life matters anymore, oh I still put on a positive attitude when out and about, but on my own I manage to find the deepest pits of grief imaginable and it's these times where nothing else matters.
Another fact I've learnt is that friends seem to gradually fade away from you. My wife was active in women's groups and we always had female contact in and around the home. That has almost stopped now, I rarely have female company, and I miss that. It doesn't seem right either that I should pursue this kind of company. I don't want another partner but I do want female company, but none is on offer. Just something else to get accustomed to.
Think that's enough for tonight, I could moan forever but don't want to be boring.

Offline Karena

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Re: Suffering
« Reply #5 on: March 05, 2018, 03:43:51 PM »
Dont ever think you cant "moan for-ever" on here thats what we,re here for. :hug:

I know what you mean about not wanting another partner  i think maybe i am lucky in that when it comes too friendship (and nothing more) between genders. I do have male friends i am the only female at work -and even shared my house with a male while he was renovating his own place without ever stepping over the boundarys of friendship, but that doesnt mean that you cant also find friendships from your choir or other activities -if you can surmount those traditional ideas that there is an expectation of something more and over tme relax more around the ladies in these groups and get to know them you may well find there are ladies there who are also looking for company and nothing more than sharing some time together and come to realise that it is ok and not a betrayal of your wife, but it really is early days yet, and in a way this journey requires you to be patient with it and yourself -it is tiring being under this black cloud and we long to throw it off but even when we do for a little while it follows us and catches up  - but more and more we learn to dodge it, and then start to look over our shoulders and see it is smaller and further away.

I sometimes think happiness never quite reaches my heart any more and certainly laughter sounds more hollow too myself, the smile perhaps never quite reaches my eyes. But then i can spend whole days in the garden being quite content oblivious too time passing -or hours watching the sea for dolphins on holiday and the heartlifting moment of seeing one still remains -and i can do this without missing human company at all -of course it would be better if he was with me -but in those moments and in those places i feel closer too him than anywhere else - it is second best  but better than no best - and still worth being here for - if that makes sense.

A couple of years in i imagined if there was another life of some kind and we met again that either he would somehow know what the rest of my life was about or not, but either way it would still be important to live it as best i can , because once the i missed you conversation ended, the next one may be of him being disapointed, if i threw it away after he faught hard to keep it   -so i try to see the world with two pairs of eyes and be involved in it, for both of us, sometimes by trying new things but also by revisiting the places and things we both loved.