Author Topic: Ex Mum In Law Has Passed Away  (Read 1420 times)

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Offline MeYouMe

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Ex Mum In Law Has Passed Away
« on: March 15, 2018, 09:23:23 PM »
Hi there.

My ex mum in law passed away a couple of weeks ago and I am absolutely devastated. Even though she was my ex mum in law we continued to get on like a house on fire! Me and my ex have a teenage son together so he will be going to the funeral with him and so will my mum as they still kept in touch. The funeral is next week and as the day draws closer I am feeling more and more nervous and worried about it. My ex has a partner and although I would never snub her I know she will me and also my ex's first wife will be there as they had children together before I met him, plus friends of my ex will be there who I haven't seen since we split 5 years ago. I maybe able to cope better if my mum wasn't going and although I have tried to politely tell her just to go and do what we've got to do she's the sort to have a good gaup around and see who's there and what my ex's partner is like. She'll then try to pretend that that isn't what she's doing which will annoy me further. I will be dropping my son off at his dad's as they will be travelling together but then I'm unsure if me and mum go to the church and wait outside or go in and sit?  The same goes for the crematorium after? At the moment I feel like I'm an outsider attending but also a family member so it's hard to know what I'm supposed to do and also I want to be there and comfort my ex but wont be able to be so that is also upsetting me. I have a partner thesedays too but haven't said too much to him as he doesn't really understand and the same goes about being upset because she's passed away. I think about her everyday and the pain I feel in my heart is unreal but I try not to get upset in front of him as he's not overly tolerant so tend to cry when I'm either on my own or in the shower. Please help and advise as I feel so upset, worried and confused x

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Ex Mum In Law Has Passed Away
« Reply #1 on: March 16, 2018, 08:19:41 AM »
Sending a welcome hug  :hug:

With the funeral there should be people there to help you know what to do.  When I went to the funeral of my partners mum that felt a little awkward as my partner has little to do with his siblings.  He went in the family car following the hearse and I drove myself there on my own.  I was in a bit of a different scenario as I didnt know anyone there, but everyone just waited outside the crematorium and then staff let us know when to go in and where. They understand that often it can be the first experience of a funeral or there may be mixed emotions so are very helpful

I have also been to my ex husbands funeral, where his first wife was attending and I knew I was likely going to be ignored by the family. I did see some family all over his very recent girlfriend. (It was not long after our split)  I was lucky that I was with friends, (although that in itself was strange as we had parted ways with the split, just so they werent in awkward position and I hadnt felt able to see them before knowing they'd be seeing his new partner but we had started to resume our friendships) so I felt shielded to a point. I tried to remember why I was there, and that any of the people I was concerned about were not in my life and didnt have to worry about their behaviour beyond that one day

Its an emotional time so unsurprisingly you have a lot of concerns. Try to stay calm and remember the person you are there for and try not to worry about others.  Xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Ex Mum In Law Has Passed Away
« Reply #2 on: March 16, 2018, 12:09:30 PM »
 :hug: not much i can add to what Emz has said -usually there is a kind of hierarchy people not involved in the funeral courtege wait outside until the hearse arrives then the funeral director invites them to go in and be seated then the chief mourners follow the coffin in and sit in the front rows -this might vary sometimes people do go in and sit down while others stay outside so  be led by what other people do.After the service -again people tend to gather outside before dispersing too the funeral tea if there is one but you dont need to do so for long again when other people start to dispense too their cars follow their lead.
I know you are grieveing yourself but try and focus on being a quiet support for your son -should he need you to be, even though his role is different and he might feel he should be next too his dad the whole time he will be aware of your presence as something he can depend on not just for that day but for all the days after when the funeral is over -by suporting him you may find you become mutual supports of each other.
Your ex will have his new partner to turn too for support and she may be struggling to know how to do so but its for her to do even though you long too yourself it hurts but there is nothing you can do about that  - you dont need to do anything more than affirm her presence, a smile or a nod will do - let her lead she may even suprise you and start a conversation but if she snubs you that is her problem not yours. I know its really difficult for you but from her point of view she is probably also dreading this day with two exes at the service and friends from the past she may feel just as much a fish out of water as you.
You are not responsible for your mums behaviour so even though she might annoy you try and ignore that, it  is actually quite typical of several people i could name but its not likely anyone could ever justify blaming the daughter for the behaviour of her mum, she was friends with your mum in law so may also be focussed on the service rather than other people too.
we will be here for long after the funeral so dont be afraid to come back and talk through your grief we are all at some stage of this journey ourselves and do understand. There may be a hieracrchy at a funeral but there isnt one of grief itself and that is something it is difficult for people around us to understand.

Offline MeYouMe

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Re: Ex Mum In Law Has Passed Away
« Reply #3 on: March 21, 2018, 06:50:05 PM »
Thank you Emz2014 and Karena for your replies. Sorry I haven't got back to you until now. Well, the funeral was today and it went well - if that's a term I can use for a funeral. I did what I had to do and ignored any looks or comments my Mum made. She has kept going on about the funeral since we got back which is getting on my nerves. At the moment I still feel so devastated and even though everyone else was giving my ex husband hugs I was afraid to do so as I felt it wasn't right but hope he still realises I was and will continue to be there for him. My current partner has seemed to be a bit quiet and odd with me the past few days and if he thinks now the funeral is over I can now 'get on with my life' I don't think I can just yet. I feel so so upset I just don't know what to do and am wondering how my ex mum in law is feeling and where she is now which I know is silly but I cant help these thoughts :( x

Offline Karena

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Re: Ex Mum In Law Has Passed Away
« Reply #4 on: March 22, 2018, 12:04:04 PM »
 :hug:I,m glad it went ok -as you say -as ok as such a thing can be.Your mum will probably drop the subject fairly quickly now.

Perhaps your partner is feeling a bit insecure -Some people do have difficulty in understanding that things from our, -before we met them life,  and our relationship with the people close too us at that previous time dont magically dematerialise because a relationship between two people ends -or changes from a couples too a friends situation  - but that doesnt  mean we love the new people any less.Your ex mother in law was a friend  - had she been your "bezzie mate" from school who you grew up with perhaps he would be more able to understand your grief, -but real friendship comes from all sorts of people in our lives including, for some, our in-laws and maybe he cant see that because it is outside his range of experience of friendship.I dont know if there is any way you can help him see that and re-assure him that he is your partner,his position in your life or your relationship are not changed by this -but your grief for your friend, and your concern for your sons grief for his grandma are real.