Author Topic: Coming up to a year  (Read 3378 times)

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Offline Norma

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #45 on: March 21, 2017, 08:49:15 PM »
im not going to say well done hubby because saying well done comes across as achieving something great. And i know its been nothing like that for you, all the emotions known to man and some not even known about will have had you in knots over the past year.

See you Friday xx

 :coffeetoast:

Its been a rough week but i made it. How about you 💐

Offline Karena

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #46 on: March 21, 2017, 09:27:28 PM »
  :hug:its often the little things like spag bol that knock us over,and exhaustion is not in the text books but grieving is exhausting both physically and mentally.

Offline Hubby

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #47 on: March 25, 2017, 07:34:28 AM »
Thanks all.

I've not been on the forum for a few days. I'm just so tired and don't seem to be able to find time to do anything.

The days have become a bit same old, same old. Work days anyway. Mainly OK but with the odd burst of intense grief which can be a bit debilitating but pass fairly quickly. Like a full days worth crammed into 20-30 minutes. I haven't really done anything if any note.

I did go out to the Liverpool meet yesterday and it was great to meet up with other BUK members, those I have met before and new ones. I will certainly be going to more. I did have a little wobble while there but a short hide in the loo and a quick swill kept it out of the public domain.

I woke at 6 this morning crying after having a dream about Margaret. Unusually for me I remembered it and I didn't like it. It revived a lot of those unanswerable questions and doubts that plagued me in the early days. Typical, I've wanted to remember a dream about her for a year and now I finally have I wish I hadn't.

Offline Hubby

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #48 on: March 28, 2017, 06:57:37 PM »
No more nasty dreams since Saturday. I'm pleased about that as it was quite horrible. The days are pretty much the same now. Mostly fairly OK with unpredictable bouts of darkness. Mothers day was a bit lower than a standard day but that's to be expected. I'd say I'm managing quite well and I'm hoping it's not just another 'calm between storms'.

It's my last counselling session tomorrow. I think that's helped but they can only do so much. I've definitely moved on quite a bit from when I started. I couldn't do anything then. I think I will miss the sessions but there's a danger of becoming dependant on them. I need to find other things to do.

Offline Hubby

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #49 on: March 30, 2017, 11:21:05 PM »
Well I had my last counselling session. I took some cake and biscuits in for them by way of a thank you. How expensive are M&S?

I wasn't well last night. Running a bit of a temperature, sneezing etc so I went to bed early. I had one of those bouts where the cold gets into your bones and started shivering. I really missed Margaret fussing over me like she always would when I was even slightly under the weather. Its going to take some getting used to nobody bringing me hot drinks and every medication available in the chemists.

I still got into work this morning and struggled through. I think that's preferable to staying in bed and letting my thoughts take over. I was so tired when I got in I fell asleep on the sofa till 9. I bet I don't sleep now.

Offline Karena

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #50 on: April 03, 2017, 09:18:32 PM »
I hope your cold is better.I know being under the weather feels twice as bad when you have to make your own lemsip and fill your own how water bottle,I think its another of those many unpleasant things we just have to get used too .
Sorry your dream wasn't what you hoped.I think often they are not I think many dreams are the brains way of processing things,perhaps refiling thoughts or emotions we have put in the wrong file or tried to shove under the carpet.I had one particular awful one which still haunts me but I think was directly related to my feelings of guilt,

Offline Hubby

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #51 on: April 04, 2017, 11:23:05 PM »
Thanks Karena. The dream I had was filled with stuff I thought I had dealt with but I guess it's still there, niggling away, in my unconscious mind.

The cold turned out to be the start of a particularly nasty bout if food poisoning courtesy of a dodgy prawn sandwich from a shop. Luckily it passed fairly quickly but it had me fairly incapacitated while it lasted.

I've not been on here for nearly a week. Days are still 90% bearable. I muddle through most things but I still get random bouts of intense sadness with little or no warning. I mowed the lawn the other day with tears streaming down my face and today I spent an hour in the corner of anASDA car park sobbing because of something I saw on a t shirt they were selling.

It was a year today since the funeral. I didn't even realise that till I got home.  :cry:

Offline Karena

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #52 on: April 06, 2017, 12:17:15 PM »
 :hug: I,m not very good at knowing what date it is a lot of the time and have a few times had a shock when i have suddenly realised later.

But a date is a false concept drawn up by organised societys -to allow them to function, I try not to set too much store by them.

I was walking on saturday and heard the first curlew of the year. It took me back to the days of sitting in the churchyard alone and crying, and hearing curlews -they have such a lonely cry which completely reflected how i was feeling.
Hearing it again on saturday took me back to that time but the date wasnt relevant.

Offline Hubby

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #53 on: April 10, 2017, 12:12:01 AM »
It's strange how things like sounds, smells and even weather can transport our thoughts back. This sunny weather has got me all over the place. If it's not sending me back to the misery of last year it's sending me back to happier times which, of course, leads to the upset of knowing those times are not going to be repeated.

I seem to have entered a phase of 'existing'. I've got absolutely no interest in anything and just cannot find any motivation at all. I make lists and plans to do stuff but it always ends up with me lying on the settee and doing nothing at all. I can't even be bothered cooking any more. Everything is chippy or microwave.

For the most part the day isn't filled with tears and upset, just a kind of emptiness. There are still tears at random intervals, very intense, but then the emptiness returns and it's back to existing.

I wish I knew what to do to start moving forward.

Offline Karena

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #54 on: April 10, 2017, 01:55:12 PM »
Sunny weather makes me happier on its own as i have SADS, but it can also bring out extra feelings of sadness especially when you see other people getting stuff in for BBQ,s going off for familly picnics etc, knowing that it wont be like that for you ever again,but it doesnt mean there cant be happy times again just different ones and finding a different one that offers any kind of meaningful life isnt easy, especially when you know that different will always be second best.Sometimes though you have to work out what second best could be, because it has to be better than worst.

 I think this period of not knowing how to go about that is normal -i remember times questioning why bother going to work to keep a roof over my head when i dont even want to be here, even questioning whether it was me that had died and was living some sort of in between life where i did nothing more than exist as a shadow of myself. but lying on the sofa and picking up the tv remote changed that even though i didnt know it at the time.
I watched a david attenborough series and realised i had spent an  hour for a few weeks being completely enthralled, and very disapointed when the series ended -so why didnt i learn more about the planet, which lead to a futurelearn course which in turn lead to doing so many of them i hardly had time to think, which was great because i didnt want to think.Eventually they pointed me in a direction to move forward.

Perhaps just lying on the couch is what you need to do now and thats fine, because perhaps you will also find something, initially to pass the time, which will point you in a direction in the same way whatever that direction is.
If you think of it as sitting at a crossroads with no road signs, the road you walked away from your old life on was forced on you, you didnt chose it and it was very rough, the roads ahead will also have  rough patches.but for now you are weary and tired out, so just sitting there is a natural reaction and one that you need right now - but eventually one day you might chose a road and take a few steps down it - perhaps its the wrong one and you end up back at the crossroads resting but then you will pick another one and start treading down that one perhaps this time the obstacles will be worth climbing over or clearing a path round so you will continue.
 If the option was have keith back and give up my future ideas and my courses and the new things i do -i would opt for that  -The reality is that option isnt going to be offered and this is my second best - which isnt always smooth or clear cut or the right road but also isnt always bad.

Offline Badger55

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #55 on: April 11, 2017, 05:45:00 PM »
Just wanted to say that I am thinking of you Hubby and that my heart goes out to you.

 :hug:

Offline Hubby

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #56 on: April 16, 2017, 12:27:05 AM »
Thanks for he replies.

It's been six days since I last posted. I've been on nights for the first time since the night before Margaret collapsed. For some reason my head seemed to go into default mode to that time. I found myself looking up at the window to see if Margaret was waving me off when I was going into work and when I got in in the morning I was expecting her to come downstairs in her PJs, rubbing her eyes and asking me if I wanted a cuppa. When reality caught up with me I had really strong feelings of guilt. How could I have forgotten I had lost her even for a second? Of course that led to tears.  :cray:

Work was OK but it's a lot slower paced at night leaving me long periods of downtime which I don't like. I like to keep busy and not have time for thoughts to take over.

At home I've done a lot of sleeping and little else. I did manage a little hoover up and mowed the lawn but I still can't seem to get motivated to do anything. I have the best intentions but I sit down for a  starting a job and the next thing I know is it's time to cook the tea, by the time I've washed up another day has gone by without me doing anything. I don't even know what I've been doing to pass the time.

Need to work on that.

Offline Karena

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #57 on: April 18, 2017, 06:54:59 PM »
You didn't forget,its a combination of the change to nights and the times and reactions being reminiscent of the last times she was here,and perhaps wishful thinking that if you went back to those days she would be back,so you looked at the window hoping it was true..I hung up his dressing gown and put his slippers out when I moved,telling myself he was working abroad,and flipping inconsiderate that I was left to do the moving.I knew it wasn't true but sometimes I think the stories we tell ourselves are a coping mechanism and sometimes we don't even realise we are doing it.

Offline Hubby

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #58 on: April 19, 2017, 09:19:10 PM »
Your probably right there Karena. I'm back on days this week but the experience in nights has set me back a bit to the days of crying on the drive home. I'm also still lacking the motivation to do anything at home other than the bare minimum necessary to plod along. I know what I have to do, and what I would like to do, I've made lists but I just can't get started even on the smallest jobs.

As an example my front gate needs fixing, has done for over a year. It just needs s couple of holes drilling and some screws put in. I can borrow industrial drills from work that would have the job done in less than 5 minutes. In fact I've had them in my van on a few occasions. I just couldn't be bothered.

I guess there's no reason to do jobs like that anymore.

Offline Karena

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Re: Coming up to a year
« Reply #59 on: April 20, 2017, 08:20:18 PM »
There is every reason,if you let everything build up it makes it seem so much more of a huge mountain and so it goes on.So start with the gate.Imagine if you don't fix it and it gets worse until it rots away or falls off then the dog gets onto the road or young Ollie slips out ,or because the gate looks a mess suddenly it doesn't matter that you don't cut the grass or throw the rubbish bags in there instead of the bin.I know I,m exagerating a bit but even so its not unknown for people to end up doing that. There is an extent to which I,have done it myself.
Like with the washing up,Is there any point washing one plate and a mug, no,but then before you know it,theres a pile of plates and mugs,the kitchen smells and the flys are having a party on the draining board.So even though I think it seems pointless I do now wash the one plate and mug,because its not as though whatever else I,m going to do instead is any less pointless.
Try setting a goal.Look at your list,do one thing then put a big red pen line through it,By the time you,be got three red lines and had the satisfaction of drawing a red line ( now I get why teachers love it so much).actually finishing becomes less pointless.