Coming up to a year

[Karena]

Hi Colin.the firsts are all very difficult and the missing never really goes away,but we learn to live with it,and somehow manage our lives around it. Often people find the seconds are also difficult because  society expects that somehow after a year we will be fine almost like they see it as some kind of grief sell by date,and so we expect it of ourselves and get even more despondant when we find it doesn't work like that.Its been six years for me and there is never an anniversary I don't feel that sense of loss,and never a day I don't think about him,but I have built some kind of life and there are days when I do feel, not happy in the old sense of being happy , but  content or at peace.and after the turmoil of the earlier years I can settle for that.

[longedge]

Karena - you're answering a question there that I keep asking myself - will it ever get easier? 18 months gone and it still hurts terribly. One of the things that upsets me is that I simply can't look at Chris' photo and if I see her in a video it tears me apart. I could always pick her voice out anywhere and if I hear it now it's like a knife going through my heart.

[Karena]

  for all of you.

[Emz2014]

I'm going to jump into the group hug too - hugs for you all    xx

[Hubby]

It certainly seems like the hurt is here to stay. I'm all over the place at the moment. After a major meltdown in work last Tuesday night I don't know how I'm going to be from one minute to the next. I've been in floods of tears, can't do anything in the morning yet later in I've felt good enough to start some of those jobs I've been ignoring.

My boss is taking it easy on me this week because of last Tuesday and my dodgy arm. I've got physio for ghatbin Wednesday morning. Next week I will be staying in Walsall all week for a course. I hope I don't have a meltdown there.

[Rosaleen]

Hello to everyone on the forum.
I haven't been on for a while so apologies. I broke a rib (cycling accident) several  weeks ago, so didn't make it to the May meet, which I was sorry about, I'd  been really  looking forward to it. 
Using the iPad to read or type  has been difficult cos of the injury,( who'd  have thought it,) but it IS getting better now.
The pain of the injury acted as a real distraction. I was just so self absorbed with the practicalities of trying to manage even basic things i.e. sitting  up in bed! Plus the worry that it seemed to be taking so long to start mending.
But now as the physical side improves my emotions are taking over and I feel they're  starting  to run riot. George's birthday is coming up next week. I know that's major, how could it not be?

[Karena]

 :hug:hubby I know you don't want to hear it but it is still early days you need to have patience with yourself,which I know is difficult.I think the meltdowns are necessary otherwise we would explode that's why you feel more able to cope afterwards,but they do become less frequent and powerful eventually.

Rosaleen,I know how painful Brocken ribs are,its difficult to imagine unless you experience it just how it can affect every move,and after any illness or injury you get hit again by the loss and the missing,because no matter how well you cope at the time,you don't want to have too,because they should be here taking care of you ,little things like boiling the kettle,or being sympathetic,even not being sympathetic but teasing joking.I found as well I was thinking how will I manage if something happens that I can't cope with myself.I fell down the stairs and don't hurt myself badly but it was there.what if I had,who would know who would find me.even if they did come looking  if the door was locked would they just assume I was away.On a practical level I changed the staircarpet and  took to carrying my phone everywhere even round the house.At an emotional level its like a lot of other things you just get used too it and hope it doesn't happen.

[Rosaleen]

Karena, thanks very much for what you wrote. I appreciate it.
As I said it was more the very practical issues that were so difficult in the first weeks. I had broken my ribs about 25 years ago, another cycling accident, and George had to help me when I needed to sit up in bed for for quite a sometime.  This  time I just had to manage on my own, which I did successfully after a few painful abortive efforts.
I  remember with that injury that George volunteered to do the food shopping, which he would normally NEVER EVER  do, and who should he bump into in the store but one of his sisters. She  assumed totally erroneously that he must do the shopping all the time! It made both of us laugh.
I'm pleased to now be able to recall these funny  memories.
  Sorry to hear you'd fallen down the stairs. Glad it wasn't too serious for you.  I did a free online course with  Future  Learn last year called FallingDown.  It was all about how and why we fall over/down indoors and outdoors and practical ways of avoiding them. It was very informative, I learnt a pen awful lot and made changes both in my flat and how I 'operate' outside. I'd recommend it to anybody, though not sure how often they run that particular one.

[longedge]

It certainly seems like the hurt is here to stay.

It's looking like that to me as well Hubby  . I stood talking to a friend on my driveway yesterday after he stopped for a chat. His wife died nearly 9 years ago and we both ended up with tears running down our cheeks. He was saying that his pain is still very raw at times.

[Karena]

Rosaleen its a while ago I fell down the stairs.I havnt seen that course on future learn but I did an internet of things one which focussed on how technology can be used to help " older people"  Regardless of age there were some quite good ideas out there,apparently they can now run tests of posture which can predict likelihood of falling when you're older and teach you to make corrections before you get older,but also wearable devices which recognise you have fallen,as opposed to just laid down and send an alert to someones phone.
In my case it was the dodgy stair carpet what done it.

[longedge]

It sounds as if falls on the stairs are common. I 'upended' half way downstairs about 9 months ago and as I landed on my right shoulder I thought I heard something click. Just lay there for a couple of minutes waggling things arpund to see if they still worked, toes, fingers, feet. hands - everything seemed OK but next day I'd got a lump the size of a small football at the top of my leg/right hip. That disappeared after about 3 weeks but the pain in my shoulder slowly got more bothersome so I've recently been for am ultrasound scan. It turns out I've got a slightly torn and inflamed ligament in my shoulder joint. I declined a steroid injection into the joint and have now added that pain to all my other little aches  .

I'm really really careful on the stairs now. We always bolt the stable door after etc. etc. don't we.

[Hubby]

I haven't been on the forum in ages. I have every intention of doing it but don't seem to find the time.

My daughter has one of those wearable fall alarms that contacts a monitoring centre. They can speak to her over the base station and contact other people if there is no response. It's very good but does occasionally go off if she goes down the stairs a bit quick. I can recommend them for price if mind.

In myself I've been plodding along as usual. There are bouts of crying every day still, usually pretty intense but also short lived. I went away for a week with work and that was very hard. I just felt very alone in the hotel room especially at the times I would have been ringing home while away. I may be going back on permanent nights in work as well.

At home I'm still not doing much and I'm getting a bit anti-social. I should have gone to s good friends wedding yesterday but backed out at the last minute. My daughters went and I stayed alone in the house and went to bed early feeling sorry for myself. I really should have gone but couldn't face 'happy couples'.

[Karena]

 :hug:Its really difficult this social stuff.I was fed up of being on my own and went and stood watching the local festival free stuff in the village square this weekend and came back feeling even more unhappy.Sometimes being with people just re-inforces being alone which is not expected. But a wedding is a really difficult one.My youngest got re-married and i did struggle during the service, (didnt help that the eldest grandson had pre -recorded himself singing Ellie Gouldings how long will i love you as she walked down the Aisle (but granny sobbing is fairly acceptable at a wedding without people needing to know the real reason)  after that i was ok -so again more terrifying in anticipation  i asigned myself the role of child watcher so i knew i would be kept busy.

[Hubby]

I plod along. Occasional bursts of misery then plod along again. No fun, no laughs, no life. Then some little problem crops up and I just can't cope at all. I'm sat in the car park in work in tears again after a disagreement with one of my daughters. I can't go on like this.

Time to ring Samaritans.

[Emz2014]

This stage too will pass    the grief journey is so confusing and frustrating. At times like this look back over your posts, you will see how far you have really come from the start of your journey. Our minds adjust so quickly to the 'now' we forget the huge progress we have made, we only register the current pain and often berate ourselves for not moving quick enough. As long as you are moving forward you're doing OK. Remember all the things you've achieved, you're doing well  be gentle with yourself, at times like this remember baby steps xx