Author Topic: Grieving in secret  (Read 2439 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Julia

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 38
  • Karma: +9/-0
Grieving in secret
« on: April 10, 2017, 09:16:46 PM »
Since I lost him a few weeks ago, I had to find strength within me to open up to a few friends, colleagues that we were both close to (we worked together). This piercing pain and loneliness is simply impossible to deal with in silence.
He was going through separation with his ex, and it wasn't easy for anybody involved, but our magnetic love saw no boundaries, we had so many dreams, so many great experiences together.  He was looking for a flat to rent and start his new life with me, he viewed one a few days before his death.
I've known him for 7 years as a colleague and a friend, and fell in love with him unexpectedly around a year ago. Our relationship was at the pivotal point, we fought so hard to be together and he died right before we could really make it official :( i feel like there's something tremendously wrong with me that I am in this situation. I feel like I will never have love and happiness in my life

Offline Karena

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2132
  • Karma: +145/-0
Re: Grieving in secret
« Reply #1 on: April 10, 2017, 11:53:50 PM »
There is nothing wrong with you but everything wrong with the circumstances you find yourself in at the moment.Grief can be a long process and a really difficult journey,it doesn't mean you can never again find happiness or love.I have been widowed twice,and so I do know that in time you can find love again and you can do that and still have  love in your heart for the one you lost the first time,After the second loss especially I also questioned that there was something wrong with me,that I was cursed or being punished somehow but now I think perhaps it was not a punishment but a privalege to have had two such wonderful people spend what was to be their last years with me.
It has meant years of grief but in all that grief , I cannot regret the happiness I had when I was with them.

Offline Julia

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 38
  • Karma: +9/-0
Re: Grieving in secret
« Reply #2 on: April 11, 2017, 07:46:34 PM »
Thank you again, Karena. I am so sorry for your loss, I cannot imagine what would it feel like to go through this multiple times, but I hope it has also made you twice as strong. Your story reminds me of the TED talk I saw "the art of saying goodbye". This woman making the speech lost over 100 people through her life time including her twin sister. She stood on the stage embracing the world as it is, with so much pain and strength at the same time.
I keep on asking myself, why did this happen to me... On the other hand, why not?  Death is not a punishment, it's such a natural part of our magic lives. I say that, but I'm yet to really feel that way :)

Offline Emz2014

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1904
  • Karma: +130/-0
Re: Grieving in secret
« Reply #3 on: April 11, 2017, 09:07:43 PM »
I guess a trouble with our society is death is not really talked about, its like a taboo or feared - we aren't taught about grief, but then I guess its catch 22 - would we even comprehend the depth of grief when we haven't lost someone dear?
What you say makes sense - life is ever changing and death is natural.  But it sure hurts like hell.  Sending out hugs to everyone xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Julia

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 38
  • Karma: +9/-0
Re: Grieving in secret
« Reply #4 on: April 11, 2017, 09:31:31 PM »
Very good point Emz - we are not wired to talk about sadness,  yet this group is a clear sign of importance of being open and vulnerable.
I also agree with you, that only losing someone dear can teach us what grieving really means, and even then we comprehend this new reality differently.
One of my closest friends lost her father when she was 16, and I naturally leaned towards her looking for support when I lost my loved one. Surprisingly at the moment this is separating us, and I hope it's only temporary, it would be horrible to lose a friend on top of everything. It's been 20 years since her father's death and she is still numb to many things in life. She has learnt to be ok with everything, even if it doesn't really make her happy. She isn't really dealing with the deepest challenges, which is really sad, and at the same time quite hurtful to have such a numb response from the person I thought would understand my loss the best. I wish I could help her, and I'll do my very best.
Support is so important, but it's also very important to understand that nobody can help if we don't want to improve.
Sending you a lot of good energy and hugs xx

Offline Emz2014

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1904
  • Karma: +130/-0
Re: Grieving in secret
« Reply #5 on: April 11, 2017, 10:57:57 PM »
It is hard - the journey is different lengths and intensity for each of us, our relationships just as unique as the individuals we are. The only way through grief is through it, closing down to it or suppressing it prolongs the journey. But there are plenty of common areas along the rollercoaster journey

We dont ever 'get over' our losses, we incorporate it into our lives, build our lives around it - not to say we cannot ever find happiness/love/peace again, we can whilst carrying our loved ones in our hearts and memories. It takes time to heal and learn to cope.  I carry with me all those I have lost, and they all hold an important part from my life - forever there in memories, and partly shaping who i am today - i am thankful for the time i had with them and the impact they had on my life. I still gets bouts of sadness but that reminds me of the value those amazing people brought to my life

Im not religious but have taken different views from various sources for my own belief, in the 2nd year I did alot of reading, searching for answers and meaning, and some of the buddhism outlook brought me some reassurance.  Their concept of impermanence helps me work towards accepting change.  I still struggle with some things/thoughts sometimes, but taking each day as a step forward

Places like BUK are so valuable - knowing we are not alone on this journey is so reassuring, we can all do this supporting each other  :hug: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Julia

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 38
  • Karma: +9/-0
Re: Grieving in secret
« Reply #6 on: April 12, 2017, 06:13:00 PM »
Thank you Emz, your messages are soothing  :hug:
We will definitely carry the loved ones we lose in our hearts forever. It's very frustrating to have to adjust to something so much outside our control, but we don't really have a choice.

Grieving definitely puts pressure on any existing friendships, daily routines, shatters life as we knew it, but at the same time it creates something new too, and it's up to us to build positive out of something so painful.

 :hug: