Author Topic: Post-bereavement weirdness?  (Read 3503 times)

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Offline Platypus

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Post-bereavement weirdness?
« on: April 12, 2017, 04:01:22 PM »
I've been lurking here for a while, after losing my beloved wife Ann to breast cancer last June, at the age of 52.  We'd had 30 wonderful years together; she was everything to me; and she died in the nearby hospice just 18 months after her original diagnosis.  It's been predictably awful but I've been trying my best to put my life back together, with the support of family and friends.  I haven't really felt the need to post here myself before, until something that happened at the weekend which I wanted to share and hopefully get a bit of insight.

Background: quite shortly after Ann died, I made a conscious decision to rekindle a major interest of my youth, and I bought myself a large motorcycle.  Those of you who don't 'get' bikes will probably find this hard to understand, but it's been a complete lifesaver as far as I'm concerned.  It's not about latent suicidal tendencies, being stupidly reckless with my life etc (I do have adult children, who are my whole world now); riding is just such wonderful fun and I find its the one time when I find myself able to stop thinking about Ann and just concentrate on what I'm doing (and you really have to do that!) and enjoying myself.

So.  I decided at the weekend to give off-road motorcycling a go for the first time.  I went to a training centre for a day-long course, where I rode a hired dirt bike and had a great time throwing it around the forest and mud tracks etc.  I really enjoyed the day despite falling off an awful lot, and by the end of the day I was utterly exhausted and quite sore.   It was while riding back from the training centre that things got a bit weird.  Out of the blue, and for no apparent reason (I really wasn't that sore!) I suddenly erupted into floods of tears. I just wept buckets, and howled and howled solidly for about 10 minutes.

I realise it had to be related to losing Ann; but it's not as if I've been particularly bottling up my grief. I think of her continually, and I often find myself in tears when alone in bed at night, which is one of my worst times - but nothing like what I experienced on the bike. I really couldn't make sense of it at all, and would love to hear people's thoughts.

Offline Norma

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Re: Post-bereavement weirdness?
« Reply #1 on: April 12, 2017, 06:53:04 PM »
Sending you a welcome.  :hug: platypus. X

Firstly well done for posting and Well done for rekindling a past hobby. And wow im impressed with the off roading bit, only ever been on the back of a bike myself and then only once lol
As for the tears im not really surprised, its not even a year for you yet, so that happens often to us, it sounds to me  though that you got so much satisfaction out of the day, plus i suppose your adrenalin was running high, that the tears came as you started to come back down to earth.
But does the reason for the tears really matter Platypus, you enjoyed the day and thats all you could ask for, hopefully if you go off roading again you wont burst into tears, but i am certain that it will happen  again without any obvious apparent reason xx
Its been a rough week but i made it. How about you 💐

Offline Julia

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Re: Post-bereavement weirdness?
« Reply #2 on: April 12, 2017, 07:13:44 PM »
Hi Platypus, I'm sorry for your loss and I also would like to express my happiness, as I think what happened to you after that ride is a positive thing.

First of all your story made me think of the love my partner had for bikes, speed, even falling down didn't scare him, and going against the wind in the rain made him feel alive.

Secondly, I thought of a close friend of mine whos father died in a car crash when she was 16. 20 years later I still haven't seen her burst out in tears. She learnt to be ok with things in her life even if she isn't happy with them. She's still numb, and she is definitely worried about getting dirty, extra grams on her body, putting herself out there. She feels that because of something so tragic in her life, life now owns to her an d there must be something good lined up for her by default, but that's not the case. If you don't take it yourself, nobody will give it to you.

By getting that bike for yourself you've showed yourself, the world, Ann that you can take control in your hands, take care of your happiness,  and therefore be able to have brigher feelings about the loss too. Ann wouldn't want you to be miserable, she'd be happy to know you are following your passions.

I think that was a very positive moment in your grieving, it shows that you have the ability to sincerely appreciate life, you are not numb and things will get better for you.

 :hug:

Offline Karena

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Re: Post-bereavement weirdness?
« Reply #3 on: April 12, 2017, 08:03:46 PM »
My thoughts are based on my own experiences , that when you have a soulmate they get it like no one else,so even if she hadn't shared the day and she stayed at home you would have come in, perhaps muddy and bruised maybe you would have got a mild telling off over that but she would have been happy you had such a good day,she would have listened without glazing over while you told her about it perhaps made you tea and run a bath or maybe the two of you gone for a drink.Whatever it was that you would have done it would have somehow rounded off the day.You probably wernt even aware of the thought but going home to find her not there or going to one of the kids or out with a friend wouldn't be the same.So you have a sudden crash from being very high to low as reality hits again.For me it isn't something that has gone away because part of having an experience good or bad is sharing that fully with that person and sharing it with others no matter how understanding or supportive is somehow hollow,In a way we think it will be not having that person to lean on through bad times that hits hard and we forget or it just doesnt occur too us that we will also miss sharing the good things in the same way.
But as with the other extremes of this grief journey it has got less extreme less of a drop off a cliff more of a sadness like post holiday blues.Sometimes simply ploughing straight in and planning the next one helps.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Post-bereavement weirdness?
« Reply #4 on: April 12, 2017, 10:04:40 PM »
Hi platyplus
I totally get the biking thing, my parents are/were bikers and i spent years riding and some of the best years of my life were spent in a bike club.  There's an amazing freedom on a bike thats hard to explain and such a sense of community
I too recall bursting into tears randomly when driving, not really aware why. Perhaps when we are driving/riding we can go into autopilot sometimes and our minds wander when we dont expect them to?
Sending a hug  :hug: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Platypus

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Re: Post-bereavement weirdness?
« Reply #5 on: April 17, 2017, 01:29:09 PM »
Thanks so much for your replies - really appreciated.  Got the tears flowing again, but hey, in a good way!
You all make a lot sense and it helps to understand what's going on my head.

(PS I'm sure Ann would be please to learn that I've decided that I'm going to stick to motorcycling on the roads from now on though, this off-road stuff is too darned dangerous - I'm purple from top to bottom all down one side, and one of my shoulders doesn't seem to work properly any more!  :rolleyes:)

Offline Norma

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Re: Post-bereavement weirdness?
« Reply #6 on: April 18, 2017, 04:36:43 PM »
Well no one can say you didnt try lol, perhaps when the bruising goes down and the shoulder starts working again, you just might think to yourself mm might give it another go lol x
 :rofl:
Its been a rough week but i made it. How about you 💐

Offline Karena

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Re: Post-bereavement weirdness?
« Reply #7 on: April 18, 2017, 06:41:13 PM »
Perhaps a bit more caution or some extreme padding.

Offline Donna G

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Re: Post-bereavement weirdness?
« Reply #8 on: May 07, 2017, 09:48:55 PM »
Myself and my husband are into the bike scene. We did rallies and have many friends through this. We have a Vmax trike and my first rally after he passed was something I knew I had to do. I had arranged to meet some friends when I got there. Got myself organised continually saying to myself what would Den have done. It was always him that got everything sorted for us. This usually started about 5 days before we went. On the day the weather was horrible. This actually made the journey better as it made me focus on that rather than the fact that I was on my own. Den always said that when he was riding he could forget everything and become someone else. Hope you find some comfort in riding I know I do.   

:)

Donna