Author Topic: Socialising while grieving - self imposed isolation  (Read 2951 times)

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Offline Julia

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Socialising while grieving - self imposed isolation
« on: April 12, 2017, 07:43:04 PM »
I don't know if it's the same for you, but I feel like losing a loved one isn't just another life exercise like a new job, house etc. I lost my partner very suddenly and unexpectedly and I felt like I got a terrible plastic surgery done overnight and now I have to live with the result I'm not happy with. Maybe it's a bad metaphor, as the change is rather deep and internal.

I'm still at the very early stage of my grief, and the the moment I really struggle talking to people I normally used to spend time with. How long can I talk about my loss? I don't want to become a burden. Yet it has become such a massive part of me that if I don't talk about it, I feel dishonest and fake.

It's also very exhausting to listen to daily stories my friends have to say, as I think none of them are important at all. Then I feel like I'm being a bad friend and I'm selfish. So it just happens to be easier to isolate myself and feel terribly lonely. I'm worried to alienate my friends, my family lives too far away and at the moment I don't know how can I possibly grief, be my normal self and socialise at the same time, yet I feel sooo lonely....  :cray:

How do you connect with the world around you while grieving?

Offline Karena

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Re: Socialising while grieving - self imposed isolation
« Reply #1 on: April 13, 2017, 09:29:49 PM »
If you had a really good friend and you gave her a gift but she put it down and walked away,you would be hurt.But the gift of friendship comes from them and we get so worried about being a burden we reject that gift in the same way.If you think about if it was your friend who was in your shoes wouldn't you want to support her.
At the same time being alone can also be important so its a case of finding middle ground

.It may seem random but bear with me on this.

I did a course from Capetown university run by a neurosurgeon.He was comparing how humans and animal brains and instinct are very much the same even though we are supposedly more highly evolved.So if you look at elephant studies when an elephant dies the others in the herd will cover the body in branches and on their daily route divert too that and stop for a while before moving on. Even where they still follow their traditional migration when they return they go back to that same spot and pause as though paying respect.
When its a mother with a weaned  calf,the calf will go into the bush probably where it was born or its mother took it to rest safely.The herd as well as the paying respect ritual will stay close to the calf to protect it from predators but give it some space.They will load food to a point nearby and wait for the calf to start coming out.again with no pressure until the youngster is finally ready to rejoin the herd and is brought up by the matriarch..Not all wild animals have this support of a herd of course but all retreat to a lair on losing a mate or parent or baby for a period of time.
So my point is that we behave in a natural way by instinct in the deire to retreat too our lairs sometimes  and worry about following that instinct because of social conditioning.We may be highly evolved but it seems to me that when it comes to grief and support the elephants have got it more right than us.

Offline Julia

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Re: Socialising while grieving - self imposed isolation
« Reply #2 on: April 14, 2017, 05:59:19 PM »
Thank you, Karena  :hug: I read your response a few times, just to really let it sink in that the feelings we are going through as supposedly most evolved species are so basic and primitive.

I have quite an analytical mind, I like understanding the thought process, try rationalise it, interpret it in different ways, and it often helps me as I give a reason to myself to think it's ok to to feel the certain way. However till I get to any kind of rational point, I can go through family history in my head, people I've shared my life with, my drawbacks, strengths etc...  It can be a very exhausting process that adds too much complexity to reach a primitive reason for feeling the way I feel. I don't know if I'm being clear, sorry...

The point is, it's all very simple, primitive and even those gorgeous elephants know how to go about these things we humans complicate in our minds.  It's all natural and normal.

I wish I could just switch off my mind for a while and be like an animal for a day :)  sounds less complex. I'm going to spend my Easter with friends and I am already thinking it will be awkward to see the friend I feel I've been lacking support from. I'm already keeping distance myself and expect unconditional understanding, which is really irrational, but I still find myself spending time focusing on that.

I need my man back :( he was my comfort and a bold, caragious energy. We made such a good combo... One sensitive and analytical, the other one straight forward and a bit aloof, I loved that about him  :hearts:

Offline Karena

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Re: Socialising while grieving - self imposed isolation
« Reply #3 on: April 14, 2017, 07:37:56 PM »
 :hug: Sometimes people just don't know what to say or are afraid they will say the wrong thing and cause more distress.I found some friendships faded but at the same time support came from a couple of more distant ones.Like any major life event,things do change with friends.Leaving school,changing jobs , re locating etc etc but just as it was then relationships with friends can change now.

The primitive stuff is in all of us.We can distinguish our own baby's crying from a roomful of others,we learn as youngsters through play,we have the fight or flight instinct,but now we have so many answers,we are so programmable,we want to know how long we feel grief,employers expect us to be in a state to return after a few days compassionate leave,we,re so used to slots and times but find it impossible to accept our own reality when it isn't somehow prescribed.


Offline Julia

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Re: Socialising while grieving - self imposed isolation
« Reply #4 on: April 14, 2017, 08:05:41 PM »
I agree, we lose many friends throught the journey of life but don't always recognise it as a loss, because it usually happens slowly and more naturally.  I lost my live so suddenly and this situation with the friend also took me by surprise. I hope we can still be ok with time.
Feels that it would be natural to be married and have kids by now, instead I've lost my man, losing friends, no kids, family lives in the other country, don't even have a cat. It can hardly get sadder, but maybe that's where the positive twist hides. When it's really bad it can only get better  :yahoo:

Offline Karena

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Re: Socialising while grieving - self imposed isolation
« Reply #5 on: April 14, 2017, 08:37:06 PM »
As you said somewhere else this friend has really struggled with grief in the past and that might be why she is finding it difficult.
It must be so difficult for you being in a different country away from family and familiarity,but you clearly do have a fighting spirit that has got you through some massive steps in your life and will get you out of this situation too in time,but even the greatest fighting spirits need to take a rest so be kind too yourself take things a tiny step at a time until you feel able to take bigger ones. :hug:

Offline Julia

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Re: Socialising while grieving - self imposed isolation
« Reply #6 on: April 23, 2017, 09:01:37 PM »
I felt like it's time to go back to this post as my friend and I managed to finally talk about it more openly after I'd yelled at her for being distant and not even sending me a text. I don't think I have ever yelled at anyone like that before, I was shocked myself and embarrassed afterwards to say the least.  I wasn't fair to explode the way I did, even though it a very honest emotion. I felt completely abandoned by her and I really thought I would lose my closest friend through this process.

That explosion helped us connect again and helped me reflect on my selfish need to get support even when I hadn't been open about my feelings for him with my friends. I admitted to her I wasn't rational, but still not a nice move from my side. Nevertheless, it was great to have a difficult but open conversation with the friend.
I feel like I'm a messed up person who is going through life make wrong moves all the time, I feel like I will mess up at work, be a bad friend, will push people away, fight with neighbours..  Maybe that's what anxiety feels like? It feels like there is something wrong with me, and life will never be happy for me, feels like everything will go wrong eventually. 

At least I can definitely tell that I have a few brilliant friends that hug me when I yell at them  :embarrassed: but they can't hold my madness forever, so they will probably be gone too  :cray:

Offline Karena

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Re: Socialising while grieving - self imposed isolation
« Reply #7 on: April 24, 2017, 06:29:11 PM »
  :hug:Well I,m glad you cleared the air with your friend,and she didnt leave,so that's good too.
But you are being hard on yourself its not your fault things have turned out like this , but at the same time I do understand where you're coming from,for a long time I believed I was jinxed and I put a jinx on anyone and every one I came into contact with.I think from what you said about not shouting at anyone like that before that's a sign that you tend to internalise anger rather than find ways to express it,none of us want to be angry and shouty at other people,but being angry at yourself is just as unhealthy and is a sure route to depression.
I have now perfected the art of stomping off up the hill near my house.By the time I get to the top the anger has gone. ( that could be because i,m too out of breath to think )
Throwing bottles into a bottle bank is also good,the sound of breaking glass is therapeutic,and its a safe and legitimate way to do it.Others here have gone off somewhere remote and had a scream,or sometimes when physical action is not possible conscious breathing helps,breathe and count,breathe in fresh air and nature and breath out or blow away anger and negative thoughts.

Offline Julia

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Re: Socialising while grieving - self imposed isolation
« Reply #8 on: April 26, 2017, 07:24:13 PM »
Thank you Karena  :hug: I understand theoretically that this like everything else in life shall pass, however in practice I am really losing my cool, my logic is of no practical use. The other day I booked a hotel in Berlin on booking com, and I rushed to do so as the deal was really good. Moments after I realised is really far from the conference venue, but there was no option to cancel the booking free of charge, but I could send an email should I have any special circumstances to negotiate lower cancellation rate. It's something so insignificant but I got quite panicky about that... I told them the location wasn't good for me, and in my anxious mind I thought they would still charge me full amount and not let me stay there plus they would report me to booking com!  In theory I know it was an irrational judgement of the situation, especially when they cancelled my booking free of charge, but wow... I thought something terrible will happen, cause that what happens in life.

You are right, I do need to run up the hill or something,but we don't have hills here in the Netherlands  :rofl: I'll go for a run tomorrow morning and probably think of some more ridiculous stories about how life is against me and how everything I get close to turns to crap. I clearly keep too much to myself, need to put effort in exhaling all that energy out, it's just damn tough. Feels like running under water. This shall pass too :) 

 :hug: