Author Topic: This is horrendous  (Read 6807 times)

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Offline Scared1

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This is horrendous
« on: December 09, 2017, 05:19:45 PM »
I don't know how people cope with this. It's unbearable. Living when you've lost everyone who loved you unconditionally is just meaningless long painful hours dragged out  crying constantly  . I want to join them so desperately but I know I must wait until it's my natural time to go, so I hopefully get to see them again. I just hope I don't have to wait years. I'm so alone

Offline Gingey

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Re: This is horrendous
« Reply #1 on: December 09, 2017, 05:53:12 PM »
Hi, sending a hug :hug:
I feel acared like you, I hate being alone.
It is a struggle and I think that whwn everyone around is jolly and looking forward to Christmas makes it more lonely..I try to join in but it is false face..
Hope for some peace for all who feel like this

Offline Scared1

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Re: This is horrendous
« Reply #2 on: December 09, 2017, 05:58:27 PM »
Hi gingey, thanks so much , sending a hug back . Yes i think christmas us making things even worse , such a hard time of year if you don't have the ones you love and yes I understand what you mean by putting on the false face when you're around people x

Offline Twinkle

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Re: This is horrendous
« Reply #3 on: December 09, 2017, 08:36:47 PM »
Hi sending you hugs x I can totally relate to how you are feeling, since I lost Mum in August nothing seems worth everything I do I want to tell her about and I cry endlessly, but sometimes, just sometimes I feel just a little bit okay! Christmas is really pulling into me, as I expect it is you and everyone else x

Offline Scared1

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Re: This is horrendous
« Reply #4 on: December 10, 2017, 08:23:19 AM »
Hi twinkle , I'm sorry for the loss of your mum , yes it's so so hard when you can't share things with them isn't it. I did have the bit where very occasionally  I felt okay but that was when it first all happened, I think somewhere deep down I still didn't really believe it.  Now the longer it goes on, the longer I realise I'm alone,  the worse it's getting. Thank you to you and gingey for replying xxxxx

Offline Twinkle

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Re: This is horrendous
« Reply #5 on: December 10, 2017, 01:43:26 PM »
Hi, wow was exactly the same as you, when it first happened it was such a shock and so traumatic me trying to do c p r and save her I think I somehow like you I just dealt with everything not really taking on board what had happened, and now like you, it is just getting worse and worse, and the fact that everyone including my husband seems to think I should be better makes it harder, like you I feel totally alone,  do you think that means we are just going through the grief process in another way, I just know I want to sit and cry and be with my Mum xxx

Offline Scared1

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Re: This is horrendous
« Reply #6 on: December 10, 2017, 01:53:01 PM »
Hi twinkle, yes it's so hard when people think you should be through the worst of it and should be making plans for the future and moving on. I can imagine it must be hard if your husband feels like that too (I'm not married and don't have a partner ).  I really have no idea how I'm going to get through it all , I do just sit and cry and pray I'll join them soon. It's so unbelievably hard I feel like I'm going out of my mind sometimes x

Offline Gingey

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Re: This is horrendous
« Reply #7 on: December 10, 2017, 02:28:07 PM »
I feel like both of you.
However I am finding.it difficult to cry...I did earlier in rhisvjourney but now I feel is all bottled up inside and shows in other ways...anxiety, racing heart, feeling scared and alone...even sometimes when.I am.with my son or my sister. A strange feeling.. sometimes think crying may help release bit of stress
Anyone experience similar, suggestions and advice welcome
 :hug:

Offline Scared1

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Re: This is horrendous
« Reply #8 on: December 10, 2017, 02:52:36 PM »
I can't cry when I'm with other people . I just pretend sort of pretend I'm ok  . I too have terrible anxiety , and feel scared and alone , it stops me from doing a lot which I know would be a good distraction, bit of a vicious cycle xx

Offline Gingey

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Re: This is horrendous
« Reply #9 on: December 10, 2017, 03:14:15 PM »
Thanks..
How do you deal with anxiety, I am finding things tough
I do go out as often as I can, get really tense when home on own. I know I should do housework or read or something distracting but cant seem to do that
I am not crying when alone either..as I said, I wonder if crying would be a release of some tension
 :hug:

Offline Scared1

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Re: This is horrendous
« Reply #10 on: December 10, 2017, 03:31:01 PM »
 :hearts: gingey ... Yes maybe crying is a bit of a release, I'm not sure. I get myself In such a state i don't really know anything... I'm not really managing the anxiety, (well at some points earlier on  I had managed to find walking calming but not anymore)  I actually went and bought wine just now to calm myself down,  I know is not a good road to go down though, I drank a bit when he first passed away but then stopped. I know if i start drinking regularly to block things out , everything falls apart but i just feel so sad I can't think what else to do xx

Offline Twinkle

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Re: This is horrendous
« Reply #11 on: December 10, 2017, 06:03:09 PM »
Well sadly using wine is something I have been doing too much of, and like you all I struggle to cry and as a result my lifelong anxiety returns, i have found that sometimes I put on the music from mum's funeral, go through her memorybox,or just go over and over in my head that night and I find myself curled up in a ball sobbing, however it does seem to be a bit of a release at the time.i have been having counselling to learn relaxation techniques via breathing etc, but that's hard to do alone when you are in such a state. I feel constantly that if she or Dad reached down their hand for me I would join them in a heartbeat,  I move myself from one goal to another, funeral, put in complaint at hospital, organise stone, order a ring with her ashes,  now am thinking about naming a star after them, my husband says I am just doing to hang on to her, my siblings were not close to her and don't want to know, like you all are saying it's just so hard

Offline Scared1

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Re: This is horrendous
« Reply #12 on: December 10, 2017, 06:18:50 PM »
When you say that if your mum or dad reached their hands out to you you'd join them in a heartbeat I am with you in this 100% ... this is the type of thing i think about constantly , ive asked them in my thoughts and written them letters saying if they have any influence I want to join them now...   i think its so lovely youve had the ring made and are naming the star and it is completely natural you want to hang on to your mum who you love so much,  I know I do.   Im so pleased your counselling is trying to help with something practical to do like relaxation techniques I really hope it helps , i seem to be a bit useless with following advice like this , maybe one day something will sink in xxx

Offline Twinkle

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Re: This is horrendous
« Reply #13 on: December 10, 2017, 06:59:07 PM »
Well the counselling is easy to do etc when you there, but being home it's a completely different matter,  like you I am writing to them, at night I beg them to help me, which when I wake is even worse as nothing is different! I even thought about a spiritualist, the ring is a huge comfort to me as feel part of her always with me, and naming the star important to me too, it's just none of it seems to help does it?

Offline Scared1

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Re: This is horrendous
« Reply #14 on: December 10, 2017, 08:14:08 PM »
Oh my goodneess , i have exactly the same feeling as you,  in the morning, nothing is any different,  it hasn't worked, I'm still here....i think this is partly why I'm feeling even worse the past couple of days, because my pleas have not been answered and i can't " feel " their presence. Also I read an article a couple of days ago about the possibilities of an after life , so many people dismiss the idea totally , i felt distort at the thought I will never see them again and i can't shake the feeling off ....im so happy the ring is a comfort I know what you mean, none of it seems to help, I suppose we just have to try, if we're on the planet , we have to try somehow xxxx