Author Topic: Very low  (Read 2041 times)

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Offline Kate3027

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Very low
« on: March 19, 2018, 09:38:24 AM »

I have spent much of this morning wondering what depression feels like, and whether I have it.

At the moment I feel totally irrelevant. I do nothing, I have nothing to offer, I am not interesting, I have nothing to say. I am like a broken record playing over and over again that my dad died.

Yesterday we went to see some friends who have just had a baby and the new dad asked me how I am. It was the first time we’d seen them since my dad died and he offered me his condolences. He is the first person to have asked how I am, I mean really ask, for a long time. I was touched, and then emotional and realised it just wasn’t the right setting. All of us sat in a very small room, my kids asking questions about the baby. The visit wasn’t about me and my grief, it was about a new little baby. So I did what I always do, instead of answering the question about how I am, I answered the question about how the kids are, about how my eldest is still working through the concept of death, the things she comes out with, the ways in which she is understanding it. I took myself out of the equation so that I wouldn’t get upset and show myself up. I think people think, it’s been 6 months, by now you should be used to it, perhaps a little numb. I am not numb. I am still raw. I still play the last days over in my mind, I can watch it all like a film. A photograph can reduce me to tears.

Last night I had a dream that I was going by friends I used to have in school and none of them had the time to listen or to help. I felt utterly alone. Sadly my waking life is much the same. I don’t have many friends, especially not since I have been living  abroad for nearly 7 years and it is hard to make new friends as an expat. People back home at the time said, call whenever, but you can’t, can you? They work, you can’t call up any time and offload all of this onto somebody not ready for it. It doesn’t work like that, it’s too much. So it’s just me, feeling alone and now I’m shying away from family. My brother and sister in law both wrote me messages this weekend. I told my brother I’d been having dreams about my dad and wasn’t in a very good place, but he just acknowledged what I’d said and that was the end of the conversation (WhatsApp). My sister in law wrote to ask me how I am the next day. I still haven’t replied, I don’t know why. My mum sent me a message this morning saying hi, I haven’t replied to that either. Why not? What’s wrong with me? I’m almost afraid of myself. I feel like I talk myself out of thinking I’m down to the point where somebody asks me and my guard goes up and I say I’m fine. I’m not fine, not today at least. At the weekend I had my guard down when that new father asked me how I was. I had my guard down at a point where I wasn’t socially supposed to.

The season changing upsets me. It reminds me that the world keeps moving, time keeps ticking away. I go for a walk to clear my head and I only end up more upset. The power of nature upsets me, the wind blowing in my face, the buds growing on branches, the daylight lasting longer, the sunshine getting stronger. My dad loved nature and being out in it makes me feel I should closed my eyes and let the wind blow me over and stay there where I fall, for a time, until I am strong enough to get up again.

I wish I weren’t so alone. I need a friend, I feel I need some fairy godmother to come and say, I know you’re not strong right now, let me take care of you and remind you of who you are. We get stronger, we grow, we move with it.

But I can’t do it alone.



Offline Karena

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Re: Very low
« Reply #1 on: March 19, 2018, 11:46:23 AM »
 :hug:You write so well Kate i wonder whether writing is a solution for you -i know its something you do alone -but if you cant express yourself too other people verbally then maybe writing is the way forward.I wrote a lot of poems in the early days -i would see or hear something on the way to work and have a poem in my head byt the time i got here -and often that was nature -a crushed snowdrop -ignored invisible but still just about standing -a curlews lonely cry as he circled round and round and looked for his mate-they reflected my life and my emotions but nature helped me express them -it gave me an opening line so to speak.

When people ask how we are, some really dont want to know the answer -but others do -and by saying fine or changing the subject because we dont want to be a burden maybe we are misreading them.Fair enough with the new baby thing maybe it wasnt the right time and place, and yet the fact that the man who is celebrating and in a good place in his life now actually asked sugests he really does care -and your brother by affirming your grief isnt rejecting it -maybe he too cannot talk about it to you because he is frightened it will upset you -and himself.
In a way by reaching out too us people can be offering us a gift -it isnt wrapped in pretty paper with a label on so we dont recognise it as such but we are rejecting that gift which is quite a hurtful thing to do when you think about it. I tend to think we have more in common with other people than we think ourselves and because we only really know ourselves it is a good starting point to read others so when you turn the whole thing on its head - If it was someone else you knew who was in your shoes would you think they are a burden -that they might embarass you and go against the social nicetys - or would you genuinley want to listen too them and help them.

Not practical yet here in the UK anyway -but actually letting the wind blow you, then lying on the ground staring at the sky -there is nothing wrong with that - i spent a long time doing just that, and although right now you are thinking of nature as something that doesnt offer solace because it reminds you of how much your dad loved it -you also need time and space to suround yourself by it.Otherwise you would have said you wanted to stay in bed and stare at the ceiling (which is also ok). :hug: 

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Very low
« Reply #2 on: March 19, 2018, 06:50:34 PM »
Depression has many similarities to grief. There is a manual of mental health disorders and in its earlier edition it had a grief exclusion, due to grief being so close to depression but a normal process. (I.e they acknowledged its a normal process so it didnt automatically 'qualify' as a depression diagnosis, as pretty much every person in grief could be diagnosed as depressed).  That is not to say that you cannot develop into depression due to a bereavement.  Personally, I think as long as you are making steps forward, no matter how small, and not trapped in one area it can often be normal grief.  Its a normal human reaction to want to get away from something painful and its a shock to us how long the grief rollercoaster can be

I too remember fearing I'd lost my spark, felt empty, lacking in energy and lethargic, couldnt think of anything to say, lots of things had lost their meaning, fearing I'd never feel full of life and fun again.  Sometimes scared to tell the truth how I felt, as I either didnt feel strong enough to deal with that admitted truth or didnt want to worry about managing the reactions of others (didnt want to upset them, or didnt want them to continue a topic I might not want to continue)

The lovely thing about this forum (well, one of the lovely things) is you never have to feel like a broken record here.  We understand, and understand that in a grief journey we often need to go over things a few times as its one way our brain processes our loss.  Telling our story helps our minds make sense of this journey.

6 months seems a long time but is not long in this grief journey.  All those years with our loved ones and 6 months pales in comparison.  You are still in the raw part of the journey but you're not alone on it here

And it wll change in time, you will find you again in time  :hearts: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Very low
« Reply #3 on: March 30, 2018, 12:40:49 PM »
Hi, it's 6 months since I lost my darling Mum, having lost Dad 24 years ago, like you this has really really hit me. Like you I play it over and over again  I had to do CPR on mum and it tortures me I cannot save her, lime you I have dreams, really awful ones.
I have the same trouble with my siblings, I try to message them, and express how I feel, but they clearly not feeling it, and have no caring to understand me, so they shut me down..
I have learnt very little, other than to allow myself to be what I am feeling, thus site us wonderful in allowing you to say what you are feeling, you then see others feel the same.
I have started writing a lot, a diary to Mum everyday saying what I want her to know, and another book of just notes and emotions, like Karena says, and she is very wise, it may help just a little

Offline Kes1968

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Re: Very low
« Reply #4 on: May 01, 2018, 07:27:02 AM »
Hi Kate, Twinkle, Emz,  i can really identify with what you’re saying, it’s only the start of the process for me, it’s only 9 weeks or so since I lost mum and I feel a lot of joy has gone out of life, I try to console myself with the thoughts that I did what I could for mum but in my head I just keep seeing her on that gurney in the emergency room after she died, how still she was and it’s only just hitting me now. I try to keep myself busy and focus on the next step of my journey, moving forward to my new house and planning for that but it’s hard, so hard, xx massive hugs for you xx
I don’t have much contact with either of my brothers and I feel angry and sad that they didn’t bother with either mum or me in recent years, I can understand why from Nick, he has Asperger syndrome so of course his views will be different, but robin has become a stranger to us, he doesn’t make any moves without first consulting his very dominant wife.
Sad isn’t it how families divide us
« Last Edit: May 01, 2018, 07:33:24 AM by Kes1968 »

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Very low
« Reply #5 on: May 01, 2018, 07:07:30 PM »
Keys, if you look at my post about needing to rant, you will see where my family are at, and that is not even talking about how they behaved with Mum before she died.....i am 7 months into it now, my images of her that night, how I tried to save her, how still and cold she was, still do come back to haunt me, not as much, but they are there, i saw a bereavement counsellor in the end, who helped me understand i could not gave done any more, and that those last moments, however awful, were our own special private memories together, and that was how it should be,  she also told me that when a woman and her daughter are close, losing their Mum can change them forever, not always in a bad way,  and it still feels like it for me, every day is another emotion to get through, sobbing on kitchen floor feeling utter despair is not unusual, but I am still going, I begin to smile at memories, I have learnt my family are irrelevant,  that others care and understand me better, and that's okay, I miss her, and Dad all the time, don't keep yourself too busy, it's so early, allow yourself to feel, be upset, so you don't feel joy, why would you at the moment, it hurts, and that's okay, I still feel lost, but I am here to tell you, 7 months on, it hurts a lot still, a hell of a lot,why pretend it doesnt? But I am finding ding a way through, slowly  I write a lot down,and the lovely Karena said about continuing bonds, look at that, it helped me, it's like it gives you permission to feel what you need too.please take care, don't expect things to get better overnight. My prayers are with you x