Author Topic: Family Support?  (Read 2472 times)

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Offline Fleur

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Family Support?
« on: April 29, 2018, 08:51:54 AM »
Hi Everyone. It’s been a little while since I posted here although you all are never far from my thoughts.
 
It’s now 15 months since my gorgeous husband died very suddenly and I do cope most days. It’s a weird journey to say the least...so many new things to deal with and learn about. Having no-one to discuss important decisions with is something I find difficult.

My latest challenge seems to be that various members of my family seem to find it difficult to be in my company, even though I do my very best to present a kind and positive attitude, I’m not inclined to be constantly tearful (not that I would be judgemental if others were) and I’m wondering if this is because I remind them of their loss too. My friends and neighbours have actually begun to question the lack of family presence around me.
Has anyone else experienced this? I’d appreciate your thoughts.
 :heart:
This too shall pass.

Offline longedge

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Re: Family Support?
« Reply #1 on: April 29, 2018, 01:05:40 PM »
Hi Fleur, your comment about having nobody to discuss things with certainly struck a note with me. It's over two and a half years for me now but I don't think a day goes by without me missing having Chris here to talk to (and tell me what I think  :smiley: ). It's weird because one of her recurring complaints was that I didn't talk when we were alone together and I know that I was always the one sitting quietly in company listening to others talking (just like my Dad used to be). When anyone calls now, after half an hour I have to force myself to shut up 'coz I realise I'm chattering like there's no tomorrow :laugh:. Fortunately I've always been very at ease in my own company so I don't feel loneliness in the same way that I know others do.

Would it perhaps be possible for you to be a little more pro-active sometimes and ring family/friends with something like, "I've just put the kettle on come round and have a cup of tea and a biscuit with me" you could even throw in, "I'd love to have a chat"  :azn:?
I'll never get over losing her and I used to think that eventually
I would learn to live with it - that's not happened yet.

        ~ I'm George by the way ~

Offline Fleur

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Re: Family Support?
« Reply #2 on: April 29, 2018, 03:03:46 PM »
Thank you for your reply longedge, I really appreciate it. I’m glad that you don’t suffer the loneliness that sometimes comes with this situation.

I seem to have more success with neighbours than family when it comes to cups of tea etc, I have taken on board what you have said though and will try to extend the invitation more often.
I’m quite a reserved person and don’t find it easy to make the first move. I was the one, like you, who took a back seat when in company whilst my husband delighted people with his wit and beautiful smile.
I have lots to say when the right subject comes up though. :whistle:

This too shall pass.

Offline Kes1968

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Re: Family Support?
« Reply #3 on: April 29, 2018, 06:48:23 PM »
Hi both,
I really miss being able to discuss things with mum, having her tell me what she thinks of things, pointing out where I’m going wrong, ringing her from work to tell her I’m on the way home, laughing over silly things, making her laugh with daft impressions of people, lots of things, I feel so bereft.
I have two brothers , and scarcely hear from them, I have an aunt with whom I keep in contact (mum mum’s sister in law) both sets of grandparents are dead. I don’t mind not hearing from my brothers as there’s never been much contact in recent years anyway. My brother closest in age to me, is in Botswana right now but moving back to the Uk in June. My other brother has Asperger syndrome and he’s very settled and happy up north. I’m very proud of him as he’s kept his independence and not asked for a thing from mum and dad. I’m very lucky however to have a small group of trusted friends and work colleagues have in the main been very supportive. I have more than most. My friends tell me how well I’m coping but I just think I’m feeling my way blindly along
Hugs xx
« Last Edit: April 29, 2018, 06:52:40 PM by Kes1968 »

Offline Fleur

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Re: Family Support?
« Reply #4 on: April 29, 2018, 07:23:59 PM »
Hi Kes, thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I have good friends too, unfortunately they don’t live close by so I only manage to see them once a month.
It’s my family I miss most, I thought we were quite close knit but it seems that we’re not. I am trying so hard to make this so that it isn’t all about me as I am well aware that others are grieving too.

I know exactly what you mean in your last sentence, my experience is very similar.
At least we have each other here and I’m grateful for that.
 :hug:

This too shall pass.

Offline Karena

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Re: Family Support?
« Reply #5 on: April 30, 2018, 10:44:46 AM »
It almost feels like we learn to cope with the bigger things first, and increasingly it becomes the little things -everyday banter, a hug in the middle of peeling spuds, or a cup of tea at just the right time.My only familly now are my girls and grandkids and they dont live near but we do talk one daily on the phone the other on whats app less frequently, but we are more than capable of using all her data up with a good natter.
I was also the quiet one but think i probably have gone the opposite way and say even less now.
On the other hand i do talk a lot on  forums (as some of you wll have noticed  :rofl:) and i guess, for me, writing has always been my best form of communication, stick me in front of actual people and i,m completely tongue tied.

Re familly, i think grief can divide famillys, sadly ,sometimes it is open hostility, and others a drifting apart.I wonder if just one of them is closer, that would be a good place to start -and maybe if rather than a general invite round for a cup of tea -a more specific activity might work -a shopping trip or lunch out -something more specific,and which offers an alternative to grief -i know that sounds odd -but just because the focus is on something else it doesnt mean you both arent grieveing -that may come out in a different way -maybe you see a  garment in a shop and say do you remeber that top x had and insisted on wearing at x event -something fond, which you can smile at and gather up as something positive you share  in addition too grief. :hug:

Offline Fleur

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Re: Family Support?
« Reply #6 on: April 30, 2018, 11:00:03 AM »
Thank you for your thoughts Karena, I have tried the things you describe without any real success. Thankfully my grandchildren are more inclined to stay in contact when their busy lives permit.
I am inclined to think that our bereavement has divided our family somewhat which would break my dear husbands heart if he knew. I find it so very sad and I wish I could heal this awful rift that seems to be opening up before my very eyes, I can only hope that in time my presence in their lives will not remind them of their grief.
This too shall pass.

Offline Lostandlonely

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Re: Family Support?
« Reply #7 on: June 16, 2018, 12:44:30 PM »
Hi I’m new here. My first post. My reason for joining is relevant to this post as it was prompted  from feeling so lonely and disconnected. I have no family anymore (only one elderly relative whom I help but is paralysed and not able to be supportive). Everyone around me has a group of friends from their work or schooldays and 99% have family. I haven’t got my mum in body form anymore and I’ve never had siblings. I’m 36. I’ve given up. There’s no energy anymore to feed from to have the joie de vivre. Nobody invites me round for dinner -I feel so disconnected from society. I thought someone would invite me for the featst of Eid yesterday which is a big celebration at the end of Ramadan. But everyone does it within their family with big gatherings of brothers and sisters , parents, grandparents... I tried to get invites but it’s ‘family only’. Has made me feel low.

Offline Karena

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Re: Family Support?
« Reply #8 on: June 18, 2018, 12:14:45 PM »
Hi lostandlonely welcome too the forum.It is easy to feel disconnected when you lose those around you as they are your connection too society and lonliness can drive us to being increasingly depressed and then anything at all feels like an even bigger effort.
Perhaps there is a way you can reach out too others through volunteering or joining something -maybe an evening class,or something your local community has going on, By participating in something like that you may meet new people and with a common goal, whereby you are helping a cause, or learning something new, friendships will develop from that thing you have in common.
If going out is an issue for you, I have found doing online courses not only fills my time, but by learning through several different courses has given me new direction. futurelearn do free courses on many different topics, theyre short and dont require a lot of commitment, but they may inspire you to go on and study further,you also communicate - again online with others on the course so that you are interacting with other students.I know its not the same as real world but if shyness is holding you back, then it can give you more confidence to overcome that.
What brings us here is bereavement and the grief that loss of our loved ones brings us and lonliness, as you will have seen reading through,is a big part of that - but we also find we have other things in common - thats why we have an everyday chat section because sometimes as well as support for the big issues, having some-one to chat too about those things is another part of what we miss which adds to the loneliness.
Also it helps to write about the loved one we lost, because in doing so we start to remember them in life and focus on that rather than  their loss - so feel free to start your own topic in introduce yourself section and tell us about your mum, and join in the everyday chat too.

Offline Kes1968

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Re: Family Support?
« Reply #9 on: June 19, 2018, 09:43:02 AM »
Hi everyone
I lost my mum back in February this year, still struggling with it all, I’m fortunate to have some very good friends, but I’ve had no support from my family with the exception of my aunt, mum’s sister in law,  with whom i stay in contact by telephone. She’s been very kind and supportive. I’ve heard nothing from my brothers apart from a card from my eldest, although I don’t expect anything from him as he has learning disabilities ( he has Asperger syndrome) and he’s settled in his own life up country and I wouldn’t want to disrupt him, he’s happy enough. My other brother is in the process of moving back to the U.K. from Botswana where he and his wife have been living for five years. I understand he’s busy with the move but I’ve only had one message on messenger in the past few weeks. That’s fine by me, it’s hurtful but not a new thing, he’s barely kept contact with me or mum in years, she was very hurt by his apparent lack of interest and often failed to remember her birthday and came back to the U.K. and didn’t visit her nor did he tell us he’d been back. She never had a relationship with her granddaughters either. My brother said he was disappointed that they weren’t mentioned in mum’s will, but she never knew them, it was her decision, she made the will fifteen years ago.  I only found out via my nieces Facebook account that he’d been back. I’ve heard nothing from my nieces either.  I’m lucky to have the support of a few good friends and I have my little dog who’s been a huge source of comfort to me. I’m moving house in the next week or so. Lots of guilt associated with this as it was mum and dads dream home when they retired and I think it’s going to be hugely emotional to leave it but I’ve bought a smaller house , easier and cheaper to run and ten minutes walk from work ( I don’t drive so current commute is 90 minutes each way to work on the bus) . I know I’m doing the right thing for me but yesterday I started thinking that I was betraying my parents by selling the house ( although it was left to me in mum’s will) and I hope they would have understood my reasoning for making the move

Offline Karena

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Re: Family Support?
« Reply #10 on: June 19, 2018, 12:39:02 PM »
This house dilemma is one i am also experiencing - I think we have to look forward in time and look at practicalitys, which you have done  - in my case
1.  this house is handy for work - but i wont be working forever.
2. its too big for just me - maintaining it on both financial and physical levels will become increasingly difficult
3.Local services are being slashed - if for any reason i cant drive in the future  how would i access health services or care services transport or anything else as i aged
4.The community has nothing to offer it isnt how it was when she was alive - no opportunitys for voluntary work,or leisure activitys,(unless you count the over 70,s Dominio team)
5. its suposed to be my childrens inheritance i promised  my mum that when she was dying -  but they dont actually live here or want to live here - there aer no opportunitys for them here, and without care service support for me to stay at home there is a greater risk it will all get spent on nursing home fees. -and with lack of income the value will depreciate as the house falls apart around me.So is keeping it actually keeping that promise, they cant both live in it so they would have to sell it anyway.

So yes i do feel that guilt and that sentimental attachment is hard to let go  - but looking at it another way - keeping the house isnt  loving it - it deserves a familly and it deserves being looked after - and i cant offer that so its a case of the cliche -  loving it means letting it go.


I think when you think about it you will also see that some-one elses dream house isnt always the best thing for you, and our parents wouldnt expect us to not make changes we have to make because all parents want is their children to be happy and that sometimes involves making  those changes.
Their home will be some-one elses dream home and some-one else will love it and look after it.

You cant take a house with you but my mum loved the garden above all else and i do too, - so when i do go i will take some of the plants with me - i,m already potting up her favourites (so it doesnt look like i,m cheating a buyer by digging them out after a sale) and taking cuttings of her roses - that cant be transferrd.Wherever i go they will go  with me -and  i will recreate her and my garden, just on a smaller scale so perhaps that is something you could do, because stuff is part of what makes house - whether its furniture, pictures,or plants so at least that can always remain with you along with the memorys.


 

Offline Kes1968

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Re: Family Support?
« Reply #11 on: June 19, 2018, 04:31:38 PM »
 :hearts:
I’ll be taking mum’s statues from the garden, will get those ready at the weekend, and her little chair and table from her conservatory, and her ashtray ( ceramic pottery thingumajig), which I’ll keep for purely sentimental reasons even though I don’t smoke!!