Author Topic: New Member  (Read 1068 times)

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Offline Carol Thomas

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New Member
« on: July 17, 2018, 12:18:03 AM »
Hi everybody.  I am 5 years down this awful road.  We lost our 46 year old son, suddenly and unexpectedly.  The first time in my charmed life that my husband couldn't make things right for me.  We were devastated and then he died too a few months later, again very suddenly and unexpectedly.  Our seemingly healthy son who still played rugby and cricket died of a heart attack and my seemingly invincible husband said he didn't feel well and died four weeks later of pancreatic cancer.
I am always saddened by not being to distinguish between their funerals, knew that I couldn't afford to live where we did and so in that dreadful state of shock and disbelief, I sold up and moved down to Devon.
The first year - I only survived because of my daughter and her family.  I could say all the words "live the life that was denied them" but walking the talk was much harder.
I renovated my little bungalow, got involved in village life and thought that I had come to accept this different life.  I hadn't realised that I was so shy because my husband was one of those easy going folk who broke the ice wherever we went.  I walked happily in his shadow.
I didn't know that I would find it so hard to make decisions and judgements; I'm sure that I didn't find that difficult before.  I thought that I was an independent woman - I'm not.
I thought that I was coping.  On Father's day just gone it hit me like a train that they were both gone.  I'm an atheist and harbour no hopes of another life, so that is it.
I was reluctant to post because if I had been told five years ago that I would feel like this now I think it would have broken me.  I had to believe that whilst my life would be different, and certainly not what I'd have chosen, that gut wrenching pain would surely ease.  In truth to some extent it has.  I live in a parallel universe where I function in this village like the person that I thought I was and also in the place where after driving extensively for many years I can't even park my car.
My heart goes out to each and every one of you for your loss.

Offline Karena

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Re: New Member
« Reply #1 on: July 24, 2018, 11:04:24 AM »
Hi carol
Its 7 years since i lost my husband - i found five years a difficult time - it is a rollercoaster journey and sometimes we get periods of time when it can feel like being shoved off the edge all over again. I think at five years we expect this not to be happening, that somehow its a key date - many people have the "five year plan" for their lives/careers/ famillys but for us a five year plan is a ridculous concept - but maybe subconsciousely the five year thing triggers something in the grief process - At five years i didnt expect to still be the different person i had become - that somehow i would have gone back to who i was before.
 Like you i am not always the functionioning person i can appear to be, the things that once were easy to deal with can become huge monsters,i also moved i also discovered that my huband was the social one and was happy to walk in his shadow i  have struggled with that ever since, and some times have been worse than others.I think the key is in accepting that about ourselves, the new person with all our anxietys is the person we are now.Finding ways to cope that can help us through those times of more extreme anxiety is possible and then we can call on them to help.Coming here certainly helped, knowing that i am not the only one experiencing this does make a difference.others have found things like mindfulness or meditation  helpful,any way to find a peaceful retreat in our minds just for a few minutes, simply being offers respite - for me that tends to be in the natural world. Parking the car -i now wonder if i ever was any good at it. :hug:

Offline Carol Thomas

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Re: New Member
« Reply #2 on: July 24, 2018, 12:19:17 PM »
Thank you Karena.  It is comforting to receive that reassurance.  I know that I still have much to be grateful for too.  I read some of the posts and can hardly believe that people can still carry on after such sadness is inflicted - but we do don't we?  I guess there isn't really much choice.
Best wishes