Author Topic: Still so hard  (Read 2644 times)

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Offline Niftysixty7

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Still so hard
« on: September 26, 2018, 09:02:14 AM »

Am I alone in feeling this is no easier, lm a little loath to broach the subject as so many here are starting out on this road.

  I have a good life, which I have made having moved, but the loss stills feels so heavy and l wonder if l will ever find peace. I don’t crave a partner, although if it happened organically l would embrace it, just some inner peace. I’m sure people feel after all this time l should be better, and some things are, but one thing not. It’s as though l live two lives, the public one and the private one.to the extent where l find it’s easier not to mix.
  The thing I miss the most, is the quiet silence you share as a couple.
    I’m sorry if this upsets anyone on this hard road, but needed to voice it.

Offline Karena

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Re: Still so hard
« Reply #1 on: September 26, 2018, 12:48:37 PM »
I dont think you will have upset anyone dont worry  :hug: In fact i think for anyone at any stage of this journey its helpful to know that this can be a slow process and we will possibly not ever the  be the same person we were before because sometimes things are made worse by the expectation that we will somehow wake up one day and feel fine and "put it all behind us" , especially when it comes from others who seem to think we can "get over it" and "move on " Which then can make you question your own emotions - perhaps we arnt "grieving the right way" perhaps we are in some way not adequate, perhaps even mad,  when none of those things are true.
 
We do, we "get over" the shock, and the acute seemingly unending pain of loss becomes more of a chronic ache with flare ups from time to time  - and perhaps we "move on" in making new friends or developing new interests,but i also think when we lose a partner in particular it is hard to socialise, as often our friends and a social life around them were also joint with other couples and suddenly your,e the odd one and it becomes awkward - and perhaps other people who are trying to help can expect you to do things that arnt natural too you - i remember a thread about eating out alone -it became a kind of goal - and i couldnt imagine the day ever arriving when i could do that  and i was quite upset by it - well i still never have done it, and it doesnt matter because i can grab a sandwhich and i,m not a foodie, eating out wasnt a major part of our lives - so for me it was a false aspiration   - then some-one local sugested i should join the WI -  i tried but it was a disaster - and the reason is,  these things are not my goals - the things others think we "ought to do" are often things that might suit them, but not us.

With night drawing in and weather getting colder it feels like there is going to be a long dark lonely winter ahead and it can be like that, but it doesnt have to be all the time, the key can be in learning to be on your own but recognising that it isnt necessarilly the same as being lonely although sometimes its difficult to not feel that too - maybe i have got more used too it, but i dont feel it as much anyway.I can spend those times looking forward and planning for when things look better again.
Before my husband died we met a lady making rag rugs at a craft fair - she started doing it when also facing the winter ahead she came across her grans old rug making things in the loft and decided to have a go to pass the time. a few years later not only was she doing the craft fairs - but when visiting a relation abroard she she had taken a small kit with her and noticed one of the maids watching her - so she showed her how to do it and the next year went back with more kit - to cut a long story short  the maid had gone home and showed others and so they ended up starting a small rug making business which supports women enabling them to survive independantly. I didnt anticipate at the time needing something like that to fill my time or being in her situation but i never forgot her story and she has inspired me to do something on the same lines ( not rug makng though) - so those nights are spent doing something that has a point too it and that really was what i needed, - to find a point to my my continued existance.

I miss the physical presence of that quiet silence too - but i still feel connected too him by it.
 One of things we used to do was dolphin watching and i thought initially i would never go back too it, it would be too hard and too lonely  to have no-one to share those moments of awe or excitement when you see a dolphin with  - but i did go because i also thought havnt i lost enough in losing him without also losing the things we both loved to do, and actually i do feel his presence there perhaps more than anywhere else - another was to do the things we said -oh that would be nice but didnt ever get round too doing - and again i feel more connected, as though i am seeing the world for both of us, and to do that i have to look more closely at it, - I have had to slay or bypass some personal dragons created by anxiety and fear of doing things on my own, but the end goal is worth it, Whereas the gaols of eating out or walking into a room full of women already in groups and discussing flower arranging were not. -It has to be your goal not some-one elses idea of what you "should" be doing and if that is a goal you would have shared with him dont let him not being able to do it with you put you off because you have lost enough, you shouldnt have to lose everything else that brought you any joy as well, you deserve better than that and he would be cheering you on.
 

Offline Niftysixty7

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Re: Still so hard
« Reply #2 on: September 26, 2018, 03:21:11 PM »
Thank you Karina for your message, l can empathise completely with all you say. Everything you read about when coping with bereavement l have tried to put in place, feel if l don’t keep trying l will lose myself, but somehow it doesn’t work. Maybe l should ease back as l know l beat myself up over it, people far worse off, wars, atrocities,, some truly terrible things, and l try when down to remember these, dosent always help.
  We never actually made plans, we were lucky and had the last ten years together and that was truely enough, now springs to mind those who as couples never got to reach that quality time together, and my heart goes out to them.
  Hopefully time will heal, and it’s not as heart breaking as was, now as you said, and as I’m sure many do, carry  this dull soul destroying ache.
  I would like to have a faith as I’m sure for many it’s their saving grace, but l don’t,

  So thank you again.

Much love to all on this hard road.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Still so hard
« Reply #3 on: September 26, 2018, 07:03:16 PM »
It's hard to put into words isn't it.  This journey is a slow one, which we are reluctant to say for fear of scaring people who are just starting the journey - I know I've felt like that.  At the start it's so painful and terrifying to think it will be a slow journey, but it changes subtly as we go. We learn to cope and adapt.  The best advice I have is to try and focus on current moments/day.  Trying to forecast into the future can be utterly terrifying (and often what we imagine/worry about isnt what actually happens)

On bad days, focus on self care.  Concentrate on just hour by hour, or minute by minute if need be. In time the opportunities or ideas will become open/apparent to usm and we may follow an interesting path, so too will our confidence rebuild and help us to make these steps.  Focus on small steps  :hug: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Niftysixty7

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Re: Still so hard
« Reply #4 on: September 27, 2018, 09:18:26 AM »
Thank you Emz, yes indeed it is, so many twists, turns, potholes, and hills to climb. My Mum was widowed for twenty years, l had no idea what she went through, unfortunatly I do now, would l let my children know.......that would be a resounding NO. however at some stage we all must walk it, and no road map.
  So day to day and as you said maybe hour to hour.

Thank you once again. Love to all on this hardest of roads.💋💋

Offline Laineyem

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Re: Still so hard
« Reply #5 on: November 15, 2018, 06:51:46 PM »
Thank you this post.  It’s kind of the reason I’m here on this forum.  On the surface I’m coping well with the loss of my husband 18 months ago (and my Mum 7 months before).  I have bought a new house, gone back to work and taken on more responsibility so to the outside world at least, I am doing well.  But when that front door shuts I feel so alone and lost without him.  I’ve tried joining clubs,  but it is not working.  I go once or twice and the. Just make excuses not to go. 

 My friends are our friends and whilst they are lovely and have been so suppor, I seem to feel Steve’s loss even more when with them.  Inevitably, conversations turn to their holiday plans, weekend plans and all the things that couples do and I tread that line of trying to be happy for them whilst feeling even lonelier.  Not a nice place to be.

In many ways it feels harder now than when I first lost him.  How does that work?

Thanks for listening.

Lainey

Offline Karena

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Re: Still so hard
« Reply #6 on: November 16, 2018, 11:53:57 AM »
 :hug:I think thats what people dont get - its not their fault -how could they until it happens to them - and thats the adjustments we have to make to every aspect of our life - and while we may appear to be acting normal - going through the motions of our everyday routines as they see them, they never see those moments when we make two cups of coffee on autpilot and then it hits us like a wrecking ball - or pick up the phone to tell them something and realise we cant -and of course we are happy for them when our friends are going off on their holiday together but at the same time sad because we will never do that again  - even later when maybe we go on holiday alone or with some-one else -there is that space by our side where the person we have lost should be.

so while grief and loss in itself  is a horrific and  major thing to deal with, everything else, every little aspect of our life also changes and thats why it is so all consuming and i think why so often we feel we are going backwards - you prpared yourself to get through those challenges that you can see coming up but then you stare into that extra mug, with its two sugars and suddenly feel you are back at the start of the journey.
Eventually you will look at it and think what an idiot,and maybe even laugh at youself and say to them in your mind -heres your coffee - or dont you be laughing at me being a nut job  - but there is a long way to go and often a lot of backward leaps before that time arrives.