Author Topic: Empty and lost  (Read 1531 times)

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Offline Myfathersdaughter

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Empty and lost
« on: October 24, 2018, 11:38:25 PM »
Hi

I don't know how I've ended up here, one click turned to anotheer and then another. All I know is I'm lost, having suicidal thoughts and feel like I don't want to be here anymore. 

I'm 30 and helped care for my dad until his death in May this year. I can't believe where the time has gone.

I'm the oldest of 3 and struggling to keep afloat right now. I arranged the funeral and supported my mum throughout my dads illness and after his passing (and still continue to suppodt her). Ive lost interest in everything and just don't know what to do anymore. 

These feelings are alien to me. I feel like I have such responsibilities now and people are relying on me.

I'm also struggling to maintain a healthy relationship with my mum, who is my best friend. We are really close but struggling at the moment as she has gotten close to an old friend.

I want her to be happy, she cared for my dad for 4 years by herself before I stepped in in the latter months to support her as he deteriorated. They were married 30 years and were like 2 peas in a pod, their relationship was special to me.

So now I just feel like she's forgotten about my dad already and moved on.  I know my dad would only want her to be happy but I just think its inconsiderate and selfish to become involved with someone this soon afterwards. 

I feel as though I want to walk away from her and from my family. 

Maybe ill feel better after getting this off my chest, who knows.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Empty and lost
« Reply #1 on: October 25, 2018, 07:00:18 PM »
Grief is a horrid rollercoaster journey, and along that journey it can feel like we dont want to carry on.  But those are the moments you need to be kind to yourself, rest a while, talk to others, and easier days will come.  The early months are dark, it wont feel like it will ever get better, but gradually over time the easier moments will grow between the darkness, and then there'll be better days between those low ones, and it continues like that

It's hard - people deal with grief in different ways, your mum will be grieving herself and seeking support. Whatever she does now will never take away from what she had with your dad.  And this new thing may be short lived - our emotions are all over the place, in time she may feel differently

Try and look after yourself, and ensure you have support.  Hopefully you'll find this forum supportive, hearing from others all on this journey  :hug: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Empty and lost
« Reply #2 on: October 26, 2018, 11:47:36 AM »
playing devils advocate here - but as a mum and a widow myself i can see possible reasons your mum has moved so seemingly quickly into a new relationship.

she has cared for your dad for a long time - and during that time has probably gone from being primarilly a wife  in a settled relationship whatever form that relationship takes, to being in a role of nurse - even with help and support that changes your relationship - it is exhausting and stressfull, and your dad too will have had frustrations at being the person cared for rather than in an equal relationship in which his roles were also defined -so he will also have changed.
Dont get me wrong it doesnt diminish love at all, and it doesnt reduce grief, but that grief often begins before they die - the grief of seeing them suffer, the grief of the ways they and you have changed, and depending on the causes, the fear  that there is only one ending - no matter how much you try and convince yourself there will be a cure along any time soon -so in a lot of ways she has probably been grieveing much longer than either her or you recognise. 

Caring for your children and your partner running a house etc is a set of roles that make up a major one that surpasses all others over a long time  you see yourself as wife/mother/nurse /teacher/cook etc but you dont see yourself as a separate entity - As your children grow up they need you less, and heartbreaking as it is you have to recognise that they will develop new relationships and new lives and thats how it should be of course but it still reduces your role in their life - so you make new plans with your partner find other things to look forward too - But when you lose them too - suddenly you have no idea who you are and what your role in life is - your future plans have gone, your purpose for even being on the planet uncertain, you cannot see a future and so it is easy to see how you might want to replace - not the person, but the role by recreating some part of it with another person.

In addition to that you suddenly have single responsability for everything - major and minor - its up to you to test the fire alarms, and put the bins out ,its up to you if one of the children is having a problem at school or work,its up to you to decide what to have for tea,but you dont see yourself as being worth bothering so you slap something in the microwave or dont bother at all.  You find yourself making two cups of tea on autopilot and the second one stares at you and reminds you that he isnt here any more, - there are so many ways that you miss them at times you fear for your sanity, but as well as missing them it is terrifying to feel so alone.

I know at this point you are thinking but she isnt alone she has me and youre right, but as a mum your role always has been and always will be to care for your children and its really difficult to reverse that - i,m certain that your mum absolutely appreciates that you have stepped up the way you have and that you love her and want to continue to support her -  but relying on your children is again another alien concept - no matter how much you love them and they you. Youre suposed to support your children through everything including their pain and grief and yet how can you do that when you cant cope with your own.
 
All these changes and emotions make it really difficult to think clearly -and it could be that this new relationship will fade,  no-one knows the future in any relationship, but having been twice widowed i did discover that it is possible to love two people because love doesnt end when some-one dies but one love doesnt have to diminish love for the other either, and with some-one who was primarilly a friend you are able to start in a position of trust.

His relationship with her, is separate from your relationship with her , even though it feels awkward it isnt designed to be a barrier between you and her or between you and your dad  - and talking to her about your dad -in terms of your grief and your feelings - but also the shared memorys of his character, of things that happened when you were small, places you went etc might  help her in a different way - by allowing her to support you too, and making it mutual,rather than you trying to be the strong one all the time - that way you are giving her back some of her natural maternal role.

 

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Empty and lost
« Reply #3 on: October 28, 2018, 12:51:23 AM »
I am so sorry for your loss. My dad died more that 30 years ago now, but it still feels like it was yesterday sometimes. I looked after my mum after that and lost her this time last year. Like you, I found myself looking for somewhere to talk and found this site only recently. Like you, I felt a weight of responsibility settle on my shoulders after dad died. I still miss him terribly and now mum too. I still talk to them both daily.

Believe me, five months is nothing and it will be a long time before you feel like it is worth trying to make an effort to keep going on every day and normal is now forever different to what it was. I still have a sense that it doesn't matter what happens to me now. It's like I've served my purpose, but don't forget, both your dad and your mum put years of their lives and lots of love into raising you and I am sure they both  feel that your life is valuable. You owe it to them and to yourself not to give up on yourself or your future. Your dad would not want that. Besides, he needs to be remembered in honour of his life and his worth and who better to do that than you, who love him so much. So please don't give up. I am sure he would want you to go on with your life and make him proud and happy that he has such a caring and loving daughter.

Don't be too hard on your mum either. She is no doubt feeling just as lost and lonely as you and perhaps this friendship is a way of filling some of the void and finding reassurance that someone still cares about her. Everyone needs to feel that and it doesn't mean she's forgotten your dad. I expect she is just trying to find a way forward in this new reality, as you are. She probably craves support and friendship and companionship and sometimes it isn't the same and isn't enough to get that only from her children. It's a very different kind of relationship and she probably feels she needs to be there to support you through this and is glad to have a friend who will support her.

Be patient with her and with yourself, but never give up on life. It will get better and your dad, your siblings and your mum will all want the best for you. It is the hardest thing to lose a parent or anyone very close to you, but try to focus on something else, even if only for a few hours a week, to help you connect with life again and to give you a little relief from what you are going through. A year after losing my mum, that is still rather an alien feeling, but I feel it is necessary. You probably won't be ready to do it yet, but you need to try to reconnect with things that give you pleasure in life again at some point, otherwise the grief can be overwhelming. It's something you need to try to find a way to survive and learn to live with and over time, you will. Be patient and kind to yourself. Do whatever helps you to feel better, cry, visit the grave, take flowers, have a chat to your dad, tell him you love and miss him. I am sure he loves and misses you too. Put some favourite photos in an album, plant a rose bush or get a bench made  - anything to honour his memory, but be sure he would never want you to give up. He will have felt the same when he lost his parents, but he didn't, so make him proud and keep on going. After a while, you will feel he is still at your side and walking with you and smiling down on you.

Take care and be good to yourself. It is a dark tunnel but light does glimmer at the end eventually.

Offline Myfathersdaughter

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Re: Empty and lost
« Reply #4 on: October 28, 2018, 09:41:12 PM »
Tbank you all of you f0r your replies and kind words.

I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. My emotions are just all over atm and im so numb and confused.  Xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Empty and lost
« Reply #5 on: October 29, 2018, 10:01:11 AM »
 :hug:part of the problem is that we have a kind of programme in our heads of how we are suposed to feel but it doesnt work like that - and then you lose some-pne else and you think you will know because of last time - and it doesnt work out like that either, so confusion reigns but it doesnt mean you are going mad or grieveing wrongly - because there isnt a right way.