Author Topic: Heartbroken at losing my dad  (Read 1382 times)

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Offline EmmaLemon

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Heartbroken at losing my dad
« on: October 31, 2018, 10:24:27 AM »
I lost my dad very unexpectedly a month ago and I’m not coping. I was extremely close to my dad and losing him has completely devastated me to the point where I don’t even feel like myself anymore. I’m struggling to find the joy in my life despite having two beautiful girls and a loving husband. My mother left us when I was little and my dad brought me up. We had some very hard times but we were always there for each other. I have no family members left aside from my brother who was estranged from my dad and is not there for me. I love my husband and children, and I know they love me, but I feel so alone. I feel like I’m never going to be okay again. I’m traumatised by the memory of a police officer coming to my house to tell me he was gone. We used to talk every day, sometimes several times a day. We would spend a lot of time together and now there is a huge space in my life and my heart. I can’t bear to take my girls out to the groups we usually go to and I hate that I’m not the mum they’re used to or the mum I deserve. I’m so incredibly sad and I don’t know what to do with myself.

Offline Dave Administrator

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Re: Heartbroken at losing my dad
« Reply #1 on: October 31, 2018, 12:48:34 PM »
Hello Emmah88 and welcome.

What a truly sad first post you have made, and my heart goes out to you. I can visualise the empty space you feel right now, and coming to terms with the reality of loosing him has indeed certainly hit you hard from what you say.

Everyone in this group understands the pain you are going through right now, and will be here for you to support you and hold you up when the going gets a little bit too tough to manage by yourself.

Keep posting E, it really helps unload all the pent up stuff that comes with all the stages of a bereavement, and it's such early days for right now so just take baby steps until you heal as time goes by.

I know you can't ever see that happening right now, but I promise you sincerely the dreadful pain you are in right now will get better, and hopefully helped along the way by the caring support you'll find here from our wonderful members we are so blessed with.
Take care and please keep posting however small or large you can manage, we need them.

Offline Karena

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Re: Heartbroken at losing my dad
« Reply #2 on: November 01, 2018, 11:09:29 AM »
Hi  :hug: it is really dreadful when you lose some-one who has been the foundations of your life -it doesnt mean you love your husband or your girls any less but it doesnt stop you feeling alone when the ground has shifted from under your feet, and of course you girls have lost their grandad but no-one has gone through the same stuff with him over the years as you have, so their grief is different because theirs was a different relationship. I imagine your girls are quite young if you were taking them out to groups - so it wont affect them adversley to miss out on that for a while it is perfectly normal to want to hide away until you are ready to face the world again and you will know when the time comes that you feel able to go back out there.
 
One of the things you could do in the months ahead is create a memory box with or for the girls  - i know it sounds difficult to face the idea of that - but sharing happier memorys eventually helps to replace the horrendous ones that we see as flashbacks - we are all the sum of our lives and not just the moment we lose that, so it is important -if very difficult initially, to remember what it was that created the bond and the love, the character, the funny things, the wisdom and even the little endearing but annoying things, and that is the person we never have to fully  let go of, even when they are no longer physically here - i have 3 grandkids who were not even born when my husband died but they all know who he was and the things he did partly from what the 2 older ones say, and also from me having his photo up and talking about him in normal conversations and that in turn helps me to carry on by keeping him alive, metaphorically speaking, for them.

Offline EmmaLemon

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Re: Heartbroken at losing my dad
« Reply #3 on: November 01, 2018, 11:41:15 AM »
Thank you both for your kind responses. My dad was so young, only 56 and it all feels so unfair. He was such a good person. Yes my girls are only small- they will turn 3 and 1 within the next week or so, as well as it being my 30th next week. I feel like I haven’t even got it in me to celebrate my childrens’ birthdays Which makes me feel like such a bad mum. I know Dad wouldn’t want me to be suffering like this, but I feel completely crushed with grief.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Heartbroken at losing my dad
« Reply #4 on: November 02, 2018, 07:14:36 AM »
Sending you a welcome hug Emma  :hug:
I have been on a similar path, I lost my dad just after his 59th birthday, it has now been 5 years.  Its one hell of a journey which can be a real rollercoaster, but it does get easier to cope in time.  I would never have believed that at the beginning, the grief was so strong it felt physical at times. 

Hold on in there, take baby steps and be gentle with yourself. Hope you find the forum a support xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Heartbroken at losing my dad
« Reply #5 on: November 02, 2018, 03:59:53 PM »
 :hug:You are not a bad mum at all - they are too young to be worried about having birthday parties anyway -especially the little one - If you do want to do something -for the older one my sugestion would be just have a birthday tea at home with a joint cake and a few treats - rather than normal tea - or take them out somewhere with your husband for support - maybe just to a play barn type of thing have cake when you get home and just have the tripple birthdays on the same day - that way you can play yours down but be distracted from it at the same time by the girls playing somewhere special for them but none of them have to be on the actual days.