Author Topic: Really can't copei  (Read 12948 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Lyn Taylor

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 46
  • Karma: +0/-0
Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #30 on: December 23, 2017, 08:57:08 PM »
Hi, lighting a candle is a lovely idea. I find writing a journal  really helps. It allows me to express myself and make sense of everything. I also had a shirt of dad's made in to a pillow which greatly comforts me at night either when I go to bed or I can have it on the sofa with me. I also talk to dad out loud (I live by myself so a bit easier to do).

I totally understand about Christmas, I have just ignored it totally but that's difficult to do when you have children. Maybe you could do a memory box together and put it under the tree? What ever gives you comfort x

Offline Lyn Taylor

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 46
  • Karma: +0/-0
Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #31 on: December 23, 2017, 09:11:59 PM »
I too keep reliving the hospital vigil and the care was diabolical to say the least. I felt dad's dignity was ignored but I have to keep reminding  myself the end of dad's life was miniscule in relation to the whole of his life and who he was and how much of a happy life he had lived. He loved and was loved and I try to reprogramme my mind but it's so hard because the last time I saw him is my last memory. 

Offline Twinkle

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 135
  • Karma: +4/-0
Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #32 on: December 23, 2017, 09:32:57 PM »
Lyn, your loss is so so new and I think you have to just try and go with whichever emotion is taking you at the time, sadly I too had the hospital vigil where her care was appalling so I got her home, but the damage had been done, and I have lodged a formal complaint t with the hospital, like you am aware that mum's body and mind had had enough and myself and her alone together at the end is what she would have wanted, just not the bit where I had to try to save her..i am not sure you should try to reprogram your mind so soon, for me I found absorbing crying and just letting it dwell in me was how I go through,  listen at me, got through like I am sorted....

Woodlands, I did buy a star for Mum and Dad so I know they will be registered forever together, and I also remember vividly that night I lost her, coming home and just sitting in  my back garden sobbing staring at the stars, I also bought a cheap little Xmas tree from a supermarket, its only 1 foot tall, as I do not have children do not have to decorate the house, my intention is after Xmas to plant it in a tub so it will hopefully grow for a living memory of Mum and Dad, I also keep a journal  using two different colours, purple for good points of the day and black for the bad, and I also have had all my favourites photos enlarged,  and have a particular book that I write things to her in.

I have no idea if it's right or wrong, I feel guilty that I lost her at end of August and an struggling more than some of you, ironically she died on the 21st August and Dad died 25 years earlier on the 22nd August. I wish I could open my arms and fix all of you and myself,,   it for now, genuinely you are my reason to keep going

Offline Lyn Taylor

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 46
  • Karma: +0/-0
Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #33 on: December 24, 2017, 10:40:26 AM »
Twinkle, a star in your mum and dad's memory is such a lovely idea. Your mum would be so proud of you trying to save her and such a courageous thing to do. Not sure I could go through that but it's amazing what we can do when faced with these situations and never having to have dealt with any of this before. I wanted to run from the hospital as far away as I could but I had a strength that I never knew I had because I didn't want to leave my dad and I wanted him home. I still think and feel I should have done more but with no medical training and not knowing what end of life looks like, it was out of my hands and the hospital didn't explain what would happen next. I know what you mean about me trying to reprogramme my mind but I refuse to let that hospital rob me of the good memories I have of my dad's life. I would like to see hospitals have a process in place for famillies so it can all be handled in a more respectful and dignified way and help famillies understand the dying process and what they should expect. I had to Google everything to know what to do to comfort my dad in his last days.

I don't think there is a right or wrong way of grieving for someone or a timescale as grief is a personal thing for all of us. I have no expectations and just deal with things day to day and try to find a positive amongst all the anguish. I bought myself some flowers yesterday to try and brighten things up a little bit. I go for a walk with my dog to get me moving and out of the house. I cry at the drop of a hat, I get angry and I release whatever comes up. I put my Xmas tree up yesterday something I thought I would never be able to do because Xmas has held some lovely family memories and I find it comforting. I too share comfort on here knowing I am not alone and others are going through the same and that together we are united in our grief xx

Offline Emz2014

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1904
  • Karma: +130/-0
Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #34 on: December 24, 2017, 10:52:20 AM »
Don't feel guilty Twinkle. Although the grief journey has a lot of similarities we all have a unique journey to each of us.  And the depth of feelings will ebb and flow too, just like a rollercoaster at times we may feel we're doing better then hit another depth of sadness.
That's the beauty of a forum, at our lowest point there are others at a slightly easier junction of the journey who can help, and then as the journeys progress you will find you're at an easier junction and able to provide comfort to others
It's one hell of a journey, with ups, downs, twists and turns. The surprise of revisiting earlier phases/emotions.  But here no-one is on that journey alone xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2132
  • Karma: +145/-0
Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #35 on: December 24, 2017, 04:20:07 PM »
I am glad you are both still here.There are things you can do for some respite but it isn't a journey you can rush or skip,and for me acceptance is about accepting grief and all its faces.If you have a badly Brocken leg you know that its going to take a while to heal.You will spend time resting in bed,maybe have a couple of ops to pin it that will bring back the original acute pain for a while.If you get out of bed too soon you risk a fall,you get crutches and physio and all the time people sympathise,they see the plaster cast and the crutches,they hold doors open,carry things for you.When you start to walk without crutches you still can't run and a marathon is years away,you know you will have to be patient and that perhaps you will have a limp and the wound will always  ache if you do too much or even just because its raining.
The difference between that and grief is that people don't see the wound so clearly there is no plaster no visible crutches and so they run out of patience more quickly,and that we also have unrealistic expectations of ourselves.It doesn't mean you can never run a marathon one day if you want but it does mean you can't if you don't treat yourself just as kindly as though it was a physical wound and without self judgement and that when you do you will feel pride in doing so but also an ache that the person you lost isn't watching.My personal feeling is that they are running along beside us but we can't always see them.

For me Nature and wildlife has always been my respite.That can be through just looking or through bringing it to you and caring for it by taking positive action,or a combination.Even if you are in the city For every gleaming shop window and fake xmas light there is nearby a flower waiting to grow or a scruffy pigeon strutting around that can bring a smile and bring a reminder that despite the dark and cold being blown around and trodden on or forced jollity of Xmas there will always be renewal even though we can't always see it  and we will find a way to go on and take our loved ones forward with us in spirit.

Offline Lyn Taylor

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 46
  • Karma: +0/-0
Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #36 on: December 25, 2017, 04:43:36 AM »
It's 4am Christmas Day and cannot sleep, I am just sat here in the silence apart from a little bird chirping away which is actually really comforting because it reminds me I am not totally alone. I am thinking of people getting up soon and organising their day, unwrapping presents, excited children and famillies getting together and it doesn't make me sad it makes me nostalgic and remembering past Christmases with my family when I was a little girl and Christmas was a lot different than it is today.  I know we cannot turn back the clock but it is comforting to have our memories.

I also think of all the people who are alone today with no family and the elderly who have been forgotten and all of us that have lost our loved ones and I then feel the peace in Christmas and the real meaning of it. I am remembering dad and being deeply grateful for having him as my dad and I realise how lucky I am because nobody not even grief can take those memories away.  Peace to you all today xx

Offline Scared1

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 40
  • Karma: +2/-0
Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #37 on: December 25, 2017, 06:43:24 AM »
Hi twinkle ,  :hearts: so sorry I have only just seen your post, I hadn't been on here for about a week. Sending you so much love. I know from our previous messages we feel very similar about things . I understand totally what you were saying at the beginning of this thread. Also my most recent loss was in August and I'm finding things much harder now so time can make no difference to how we feel. Anyway just wanted to send you a message to let you know I'm thinking about you xxxx

Offline Woodlands2017

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 10
  • Karma: +0/-0
Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #38 on: December 25, 2017, 09:30:21 AM »
Ah Lyn

Hope you managed to get some sleep. I slept really badly - my mum started saying again that things were missed and it could have been different if the the doctors had done better. I know there is some truth in it but it just feels so horrible to think that. Trying to remember he was very unwell and a few weeks would not necessarily have changed anything. I got fixated on it overnight though and was just lying there thinking it could have been different.

I need to find peace with it. Trying to feel grateful for what I have today. My mum started saying about when she is no longer here and that made me think she has had enough.

Anyway, hope everyone can find some peace today. Will be around to chat.

Octavia

Offline Twinkle

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 135
  • Karma: +4/-0
Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #39 on: December 25, 2017, 10:03:55 AM »
Hi scared1,  I tried to the like button on your comment, but may have pressed dislike instead, an not good with technology, but thanking you for thinking of me.

Octavia and Lyn like you both slept very badly, I hope you managed to get some rest, I have been forcing myself to remember the wonderful Christmas we had when I was a child and growing up,  some tears will fall today too, but like you Lyn those memories can not be taken away, and I am trying so hard to hang on to them.

It is upsetting to think things were missed and outcomes could have been different, mum was in a hospital a week and we got her home as soon as we could because the care in there sadly was appalling,  she got better and better at home, Doc prounced her better on the Friday on the Monday she died in front of me, anyway sorry, she died from a heart attack which my G P agrees could have been from the stress of hospital etc, but of course you never really know, and I have to face the truth was she was 89 scared and frail even though I spent nearly all my out of work time with her. Anyway sorry that wasn't my point, I was already going to lodge a complaint with the hospital, and then she died and obviously mind was elsewhere, but purely by chance a radiographer came and bought mum's tumble dryer and we discussed it, he said you must complain as the lack of care is so bad,  neither of my 3 siblings wanted too and I understand but I have an on going complaint, her medical records everything and for me it has helped me come to peace with that side of it, I  will be meeting chairman of hospital in January but it's others that follow not to get revenge etc for Mum, it helped me not sure if it's  helpful for anyone else, sometimes the truth is the only way forward.

Anyway sorry not what anyone wants to read Xmas morning and I didn't mean to sound preachy  just saying what I did.

However you are all getting through day today I wish you all peace and strength x

Offline Lyn Taylor

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 46
  • Karma: +0/-0
Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #40 on: December 25, 2017, 12:07:19 PM »
Hi Octavia

I finally dropped off to sleep about 7.30 and just woke up. I keep dreaming of dad in the hospital. I know I can't change anything but I have so many questions as I feel they missed something with dad and I also believe he caught an infection whilst in there. Dad and I have always had faith in the NHS and especially Heartlands Hospital but the ward he was on was dire. The nurses disinterested and having to chase for medical updates. I believe deep down death is natural, it is part of life but it is that hospital that made it so gruesome and undignified.  Maybe that's why you, myself and Twinkle are 'stuck' with those memories.

Twinkle I wanted to complain while dad was in there but fought against it because I didn't want them taking anything out on dad. I did have a go one of the times though and it prompted the consultant to have a meeting with me. I had to make the decision to stop dad's medication which was heartbreaking because it was just prolonging his life nothing else.  I feel they robbed me of my happy memories of dad and it was a tea lady who rang me to say he had passed peacefully in his sleep but I cannot trust or believe them, how bad is that?

Year's ago nurses and hospital staff were lovely and had the patient's best interest at heart. Now I believe if they are elderly and I'll they just don't seem to care.  Dad had delerium for most of his time in there and was unable to communicate which makes it all so much worse.

Hope we can all find some comfort from today. I have already eaten half a box of chocolates which was not a great idea but I'm not eating proper meals yet, just snacking on things (wrong things) and of course the wine....going to make an effort to have a shower and watch some TV. I feel so restless being by myself does anyone else keep pacing around? xx

Offline Twinkle

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 135
  • Karma: +4/-0
Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #41 on: December 25, 2017, 02:11:49 PM »
Hi Lyn.

Like you am pacing around, can't settle been drinking too much wine and got carry on films on.

Sadly you are right about the hospitals now,  it's not just lack of funding it's the uncaring staff, I used to sit with Mum from 10 am until 7, I saw there was enough staff and how they behaved, when I got her notes I was astonished at some of the things they had written , about food eaten etc, they didn't know they hadn't checked,  I was there, mum didn't have delirium when she went in, I stupidly left her in the medical assessment unit overnight trusting they would take care of her, we had repeatedly told them she hadn't drunk anything and was dehydrated, when I got in the next morning her mind had completely gone and she had had no fluids or indeed observations all night and morning, she continued to be not with it until we got her home where within a day she was back to normal, and I take complete comfort knowing she had no idea what went on whilst she was in there, and am sure your Dad would not have had either so try and take a little comfort from that. Having the notes which completely contradict the things they were telling me. Twice the sisters had written that I was complaining that she was getting worse, and now I am worried her treatment was effected by it.

I shall be glad when today over, I have a husband but he has been in bed and just got up and gone out, my friends bought me some lovely presents and I just sobbed, it's so so hard, like you am going to have a bath and try to read or something x

Offline Lyn Taylor

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 46
  • Karma: +0/-0
Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #42 on: December 25, 2017, 03:11:16 PM »
Hi Twinkle

Although we got off on the wrong footing (my fault), it sounds like we have a lot of the same feelings and emotions. I have no husband, partner or children and now no family, I do have a few close friends but they have their own lives and today has been so hard being by myself with all these emotions and thoughts running wild.

I was writing my journal earlier and a thought completely stopped me in my tracks and this is going to sound really bizarre but I actually feel as if I am also grieving my own life too, in so far as, I put my life on hold to take care of dad and to act as peacemaker between him and my mother as their marriage was not good. My mum has never been a good mum, she is very selfish and everything was and always will be about her and I dedicated every waking moment to my dad and being there for him as my mum was totally dependant on him .Don't get me wrong, I would do it all over again without question but I also sacrificed my own life to be there for dad.I never ventured far because I always dreaded a phone call any minute. I didn't take holidays for the same reason.

I never went out to meet anyone and friends gave up on asking me to do things. I work from home, again to be around should dad need me but working from home also isolates you and I am dreading going back to work as I feel I need to start my life all over again. I need to get out more and meet new friends and get some hobbies/interests as also like you will feel, that caregiving role we had is gone and that leaves a huge void. I hear my dad saying to me we are both free now Lyn so go and be happy but truth is I don't know what happiness looks like? How strange is that?

This pacing is doing my head in, I cannot settle. I am scared to be in anyone's company for fear of biting their head off...I have a close male friend and he fortunately lives 4 doors away and on a practical level he has been brilliant but emotionally he is useless (bless him) and I keep snapping at him because I want someone to care 'emotionally about me' if that makes sense. This truly is the worse roller coaster I have been on and I really want to get off. Enjoy your bath and hope you find something to do. I love reading but can't concentrate to pick a book up so I am going to put some music on. Well on a positive note we have nearly got through Christmas xx


Offline Twinkle

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 135
  • Karma: +4/-0
Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #43 on: December 25, 2017, 06:03:24 PM »
Lyn, you are right we nearly have got through Christmas... too much daytime wine meant I slept for a while thank God, the husband appeared around 4, and like you say my close friends have their own families today and my three siblings aren't interested at all

It doesn't sound crazy what you are saying I understand perfectly, Dad died 24 years ago, mum at 65 was so vulnerable and fragile I looked out for even from then although obviously she was a lot more capable then, my husband and I have been together since we were 14, and he truly loved my parents and they did him, in the last week of her life it was him she wanted to make her cups of tea etc, like you we didn't go on holiday, or indeed go that far in last 10 years in case she needed me, and now bam my reason for being has gone,  I understand completely about wanting to be cared for emotionally, it's causing so many problemsbetween me and him, as I want the world to stop and care for me completely, just let me be without having to think about anything, for so long I have had to think for me and her now it's just me, I keep screaming at him don't you know I have lost my Mum! I feel unfixable, that it is pointless,

The thought of having to do something different to fill my time scares me,maybe it will come for both of us, and like you it's completely alien for me to think about happiness or indeed  anything positive.

Also like you I would do it again in a heartbeat,  I think it was possibly the only thing I was good at.

I loved my books and telly, but can't concentrate on any of them which is frustrating as I always used them as my go too thing

Offline Emz2014

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1904
  • Karma: +130/-0
Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #44 on: December 25, 2017, 06:16:47 PM »
Sending you both big hugs  :hug: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx