Author Topic: Really can't copei  (Read 12946 times)

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Offline Karena

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Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #45 on: December 25, 2017, 06:23:08 PM »
 :hug: keep taking tiny steps,you will find s a new role ,something for you , but it takes time.All my life I went to sleep reading but for a long time also found reading hard after Keith died.I did read quite a lot of stuff about spirituality and different beliefs, around the question of an afterlife I guess it made sense in a way to read about the things that were going round my head anyway and try to make sense of them.I also got quite good at poetry..Trying to make words rhyme or at least coherent lines that put across what I was trying to say in a way that others could read helped cut through the brain fog a bit.

Offline Lyn Taylor

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Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #46 on: December 26, 2017, 10:17:37 AM »
Hi Karena

You are right about taking tiny steps. I also believe the mind and body will protect you from taking too much in one go. I am a spiritual person and my faith gives me so much comfort. I had heard and saw it with dad when people who are dying are seeing their long deceased relatives with them and talking to them and I also believe they come to take the person dying on to the next stage of their journey.

2 days ago I had to wrap a Xmas present up for my closest friend and when I unrolled the Xmas paper a white feather fell out and landed on my lap. It was so beautiful and a calm came over me that I hadn't felt since all this happened.

Like you I love reading but not able yet to concentrate on anything for too long.  I am hopeful that will come back in time.

I can see you being good at poetry because you have a way with your words that reach the person reading them.

Well we all survived Christmas Day and thanks to you all for helping me get through it too x

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #47 on: December 26, 2017, 10:53:17 AM »
Hi, yes we survived it!  I managed it with all your help, I too am spiritual and have a faith, when Mum was in hospital she kept saying how she had seen her best friend Edna, who had died 3 months earlier, she said she knew she was dead but said she thought she looked beautiful, I thought it was the delirium.... not knowing I would lose her 10 days after that, when clearing her books out after she had died out of nowhere poking out was, hand written on a piece of paper, the poem " The life that I have" it was so obvious  she wanted it at her funeral, esp as it was used during the second world war which obviously she lived through and joined the land army, I try to look for these signs to convince myself she us around.

Day has not started to great today,  had to take my dog to vets, my husband has convinced himself he is infested with parasites, nothing is getting easier....

Offline Lyn Taylor

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Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #48 on: December 26, 2017, 12:41:46 PM »
So sorry to hear about today's bad start. Hope your husband and dog are ok? Make sure you take time out for you and get some rest x

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #49 on: December 26, 2017, 02:13:15 PM »
I try Lyn, but you know it's impossible to escape your mins isn't it? It's a sunny day here, I tell myself  I should go out for a drive, a walk, and yet I can't, I have the new books some lovely friends bought yet I don't look at them, the telly is on, but no sound, have loads of my favourite programs on my sky planner but can't be bothered to watch.....

Offline Lyn Taylor

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Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #50 on: December 26, 2017, 06:39:17 PM »
I totally understand and don't try to put yourself under any pressure to do anything until you are ready.

I managed to go out shopping today purely because I haven't been out the house since dad's funeral last week. I went with a friend who took me as I don't feel up to driving at the moment. It was hard especially being boxing day and everywhere was really busy, I felt very detached from everything and also very weak and disorientated but I treated myself to a nice top and some other stuff. I felt better for facing the reality of life has to go on. Don't get me wrong I was glad to be home where I feel safe and secure but I just needed to feel some normality.

I can't watch TV either at the moment, I have it on in the background mainly to deflect the silence of being alone. My friend is staying with me tonight as I really find evenings/bedtime hard and it will be comforting to know someone is here with me.

I have to think about going back to work soon as I have been off 3 weeks now but I am still nowhere ready. 

Well the next hurdle is New Year's Eve, I have never not seen a new year in without my dad being in it but will have to deal with that when it comes.  Small steps that's what I keep telling myself. Going to have a glass of wine now and try to relax

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #51 on: December 26, 2017, 07:49:05 PM »
Well done Lyn, I am proud you achieved that today, and hope your friend staying tonight gives you some comfort, sadly life dies go on and as I am the only one one earning I had to go  back into work, straight into a retail environment a toy shop no less,  and it was and still is so hard to pretend to the world everything is okay.

Yes dreading New Years Eve too, Mum used to make a big deal about it,  as did Dad and she used to tell me stories of the celebrations in her younger days. God I miss her so much, and the life and support I had when she was around, nothing at all is okay anymore...

Like you I keep saying baby steps but the minute I let my mind think of the future I just want to run and hide...

Offline Lyn Taylor

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Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #52 on: December 26, 2017, 08:07:08 PM »
Is there any way of you taking some time off? Or talk to your GP and get some support?

I know I am not much help but sending you a big hug and hope you get a good night's sleep tonight and that tomorrow is a bit better x

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #53 on: December 26, 2017, 09:49:19 PM »
To be honest Lyn being at home is hard at the moment too. I may have to face the fact that not only losing mum i will lose my partner of 34 years. He just is not helping. He doesn't get what I need. He has his own mental health issues which I have always supported. But now I really really need to know someone is there for me. For example this morning when my dog hurt her leg. With no back up no one to talk too i spent 100 i really can't afford at vets because I didn't know what to do. Tonight i have been listening to the music she loved and been going over and over in my head the event's of that night right up until and after the funeral. I know it seems like I am wallowing bul i don't know how else to deal with it. On here is the only place I can say how I feel and as I go to bed i just wish she and dad would come take me with them x

Offline Lyn Taylor

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Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #54 on: December 26, 2017, 10:33:13 PM »
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, in addition to losing your mum, it is so difficult and there are sometimes no answers. You are grieving the loss of your mum and that is what you are doing and must do for you. We all deal with grief in different ways but there is no right or wrong way for anyone. I am learning this as I along from everyone's personal experiences.

I am thinking of you and hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Remember your mum loved you and that is all that matters right now and I hope that love gives you some strength to deal with another tomorrow x

Offline Karena

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Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #55 on: December 27, 2017, 03:47:38 PM »
 :hug:you're not wallowing you're grieving and not getting the support you need from your partner won't be helping the situation.

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #56 on: December 27, 2017, 05:20:57 PM »
Thank you both, you feel like the only people who care at the minute, I am all over the place, tried to reach out to both my sister's today but they really didn't want to know, he has been out most of day and again my last day off work have been left to my own devices, ihave a really bad cold, but am getting moaned at about not clearing up etc, I spoke no his Mum today, both her and his Dad were abusive to him, I told her I am done, that when mum's stone is down I can end it all  she tells me I am strong and I am coping nobody seems to care that I don't want to cope or be strong, I just want someone to have my back like my Mum always did.....

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #57 on: December 27, 2017, 06:55:48 PM »
I recall that feeling oh so well Twinkle,  sending you a huge hug  :hug: i was thrown into the strong role in the family when my dad died just after his 59th birthday. Shortly after my partner was diagnosed with coeliacs and commenced an ongoing battle with anxiety/depression and my sister had my niece at only 28 weeks, my niece has a few health issues. My mum lost her dad (my grandad) a few months after I lost dad.  I just wanted to curl into a ball, have someone else look after me, my dad wasnt just my dad he was my rock, my friend, but it was never an option for me.  I became very very good at wearing a mask. Most of my friends had not lost a loved one and I dont think they understood. Only one friend could see behind the mask
It has been a tough journey, I've wanted to give up many times. This place helped me keep going. The journey feels ever so lonely but you're not alone here - we'll help lend you support when you need it most.  I keep on fighting in my dads memory - I made him proud when he was still here and I'm sure I'm continuing to make him proud and that's my aim
One day, you never know some of us may meet.  We do a meet every now and I've gained real friends through here.  It will be so hard to see a future right now, concentrate on just each current day.   :hearts: xx
« Last Edit: December 27, 2017, 07:02:51 PM by Emz2014 »
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Lyn Taylor

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Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #58 on: December 27, 2017, 07:27:11 PM »
Somehow we have to help ourselves, people can be a constant source of pain and disappointment but this is our time, our mourning and our journey. Time for others has to stop whether that be temporarily or permanently. We are entitled to feel the way we do and the way we experience loss of someone who was so significant in our lives. We are vulnerable and should not have to present to the world that we are strong.

Nobody is going to stop me or cut me short of the memories of my dad and me and nobody has the right to do that either. Nobody will rob me of my feelings either. I am alone and am learning this is actually a blessing.

Twinkle stay strong and listen to your own heart and feelings and be gentle to yourself, if people don't get that then wave them goodbye. Emz keep on fighting your dad's memory as nobody can take that from you and let's celebrate their lives and what they meant to us and feel proud that we loved them so very, very much. Strong words from me tonight but from my heart x

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #59 on: December 27, 2017, 07:54:11 PM »
I  know you are both right,  I know Mum was proud of me, as was Dad actually, they used to say how loyal and caring I was, mum told me and many others that she couldn't have coped without me, and for that I will try to fight and keep their memory alive and keep going, it's just it's so hard being strong all the time as you know, and Lyn you are right thus grief is ours, our journey and shouldn't be  having to put otherwise at the expense of ourselves,  and yet it is my nature to do so,  maybe in tneendif I don't give up it will be Mums final lesson to me, to  e strong and maybe just a little bit selfish....

Incidentally like you Emz none of my friends have lost anyone, and the best will in the world can't expect them to understand....