Time to move on?

[Platypus]

It’s now been 18 months since I lost my wife, Ann, to cancer (I don’t post here very regularly, but my ‘back story’ is here if anyone’s interested).  I’m still missing her terribly; and although life goes on ostensibly normally I still think about her all the time.  She really was my everything, and losing her has left a huge hole in my life.  Although I'm apparently 'doing fine' I’m quite sure nobody I know (including close friends, my mum and my adult kids) would guess but it’s certainly not unusual for me to end up crying into my pillow at night.  I don’t even have photos of her around my home as it just makes me sad to look at them.

Which brings me round to why I’m posting.  They say that the majority of widowers end up remarrying, and I’m wondering whether the time has come for me to give some thought to the possibility of sharing my life with somebody else.  Half of me says to myself “what are you even thinking?” whereas the other half of me is wondering whether getting close to somebody else is actually what I need to do in order to be able to move on.  I ask myself – the way I feel about Ann now, and my situation in general after 18 months – is this how it’s likely to be forever?   Is this as good/bad as it gets? Can I be happy again with someone else? Do I wait a few more months/years/decades to see how my feelings change?

I feel I (sort-of) have Ann’s blessing – we talked about absolutely everything together in the weeks before she died, for which I am now eternally grateful, and one of the things she said to me was that I should find someone else one day “but not for at least a year or I’ll bloody well come back and haunt you!”

But maybe the fact that I’m now mopping my eyes means that I’ve answered my own question.

[pennyking]

Sending hugs.  Who knows when any of us are really ready.  It's been 7 years for me and I get the comments of you need to get out there again.  What business is it of theirs I say to myself.  Be kind to yourself and maybe you'll just know when it feels right.  Penny x

[Emz2014]

I found the first 2 years challenging, as time goes on it keeps improving a little by little, so dont lose hope. We carry our loved ones with us and never forget them, so don't worry about losing that love/connection.  Keep the possibility open - I know we've had many members here who have gone on to meet another partner. Dont put pressure on yourself, when the time is right it'll be right - just let yourself be open to it.

Have you thought of perhaps following a new interest at the moment rather than putting pressure on yourself to make a decision - find something to try, something to achieve.  Becoming part of something could help whilst also opening up interaction with others. Working towards something can be satisfying. I have done a few Future Learn courses which have been inspiring, they may give you some insight into something to follow? Xx

[Karena]

I am here after being widowed twice. The first time it took seven years before falling in love with some-one who was actually a friend anyway -the reason we became friends was that he had also lost his wife at the same time and we had children at school together who having been drawn close because of their losses  were best friends, so inevatably there were joint social occasions sharing parenting advice from male/female perspective etc -but we also talked a great deal about our losses. I think because there was no one else we could talk actually talk about the more awful details frankly. We resisted there being anything else between us for some time -he actually said that a problem with being with anyone else was that you know  -either you or that person would have to go through grief again, and we both agreed we wouldnt want to put that on some-one else. Despite all that, love did find a way and it turned out to be me who landed in the repeat position (but i dont regret it at all because we had a really amazing marriage and i would rather be here than never having had that.)

We had a kind of silent understanding when the relationship moved on, that although we loved each other a great deal each of us would always have a part of us that belonged too the one we had lost.perhaps having both suffered that, it was an easier understanding than others have where they dont have that in common. I do know others have had problems with this  -partners where mention of that loved ones name was used as a weapon ---- did it this way ------- was better than you at that, and at the other extreme  one who dare not even speak the name without an insanely jealous reaction from the other.

Soon another 7 years will have passed and i have no intention of "moving on" to another relationship -but at the same time wouldnt rule it out if the right person came along -i am just not "looking"
I understnd the confusion of wanting some-one to share your life again but still mourning the loss of the one who did, but I think you did answer your own question and 18 months is little more than a year -and i think you also have to consider whether it would even be fair on another person -you would in a sense still be asking her to take on your grief which is perhaps something better suited too  some-one who is a friend rather than a new girlfriend -but that doesnt mean a friendship wont evolve later as ours did.
I think Emz sugestion to perhaps widen your social circle -another interest and new friends including female friends  rather than "dating" at this stage would be helpful if as a result the right person does come along you will know -if not then you have not lost anything but gained a new interest or purpose and potentially lifetime friendships.