Author Topic: Sorry, must got to get it out of my system  (Read 534 times)

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Offline Twinkle

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Sorry, must got to get it out of my system
« on: January 10, 2018, 07:12:30 PM »
Hi, sorry I have just got to write this about the night Mum died, so do not read if things are vivid in your mind, I don't want to upset anyone but today has been just awful, across the road the shop I work in, first a paramedic turned up then an ambulance, I tried to be blase about it, and then bam I was there, my finding Mum, after she had called me, her groaning trying to tell me something, me calling ambulance ( God knows how) their attempts to help me keep her alive, I was begging them to help her, they kept saying ambulance on their way, they nearly there, and I knew it was hopeless, suddenly 5 ambulance people came in, I can't fault them, I saw them lift her on to the floor from her bed, I couldn't do it alone, and I collapsed in a ball in the kitchen, I heard them say they had a thready pulse, and then in what seemed like seconds the top man was asking me to make a decision, and in a second it was over, I just don't know how to get past that,let alone livi g without her,

Sorry I hope thus post hasnt upset anyone and I will remove it if need be, it's just felt like I had been hit by a truck today....

Offline Dave Administrator

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Re: Sorry, must got to get it out of my system
« Reply #1 on: January 10, 2018, 08:17:15 PM »
Part of dealing with anyones bereavement on this forum, is to get these kind of haunting experiences off your chest and share with members in the hope of some comforting words from those having gone through the same.

You have made sure at the very beginning it could be upsetting to anyone still a little raw, so if they still choose to read it after that, then like a anything broadcast on tele or radio that say's may contain scenes or language offensive, then don't watch it or don't read it.

This was indeed a very bad experience Twinkle my heart goes out to you, and I hope writing it down here has helped some what.

Take care and please keep posting however small or large you can manage, we need them.

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Sorry, must got to get it out of my system
« Reply #2 on: January 10, 2018, 08:39:16 PM »
Thank you, I really didn't want to upset anyone I just didn't know what else to do, today was so difficult and to relive it and write it down does help

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Sorry, must got to get it out of my system
« Reply #3 on: January 10, 2018, 08:58:15 PM »
Having something trigger such a vivid/traumatic memory is really hard.  I think sometimes seeing emergency services like that can be really unsettling even without a connected memory as it can highlight our mortality
Be gentle with yourself this eve, it's been a shock today and will need some time to calm.  :hug: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Sorry, must got to get it out of my system
« Reply #4 on: January 10, 2018, 09:02:25 PM »
Yes, there is no doubt emergency services trigger something anyway, but wow was right back in it, went over and over it in my head tonight,  it bursts so much, I think the best place for me is bed tonight, and try tomorrow to get through again...

Offline sallymk1

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Re: Sorry, must got to get it out of my system
« Reply #5 on: January 10, 2018, 11:32:32 PM »
Twinkle, you seem to be experiencing some symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder. The reliving of the moment, the flashbacks, constant reminders and emotional difficulties. I'm not a doctor, don't diagnose but I am a psychiatric nurse. You probably already know this so don't want to be speaking out of turn. I respect the difficulties you are having and would advise that there is treatment. I don't actually know what it is, I'm a nurse not a therapist. I think it helps but I know its a long process with many setbacks. You did your best for your mother, she would be proud of you. Sending you peace of mind if I could.
Pam

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Sorry, must got to get it out of my system
« Reply #6 on: January 11, 2018, 08:08:03 AM »
Pam, Thank you, that is what the Dr says I have, I have had a rewind technique to try and help and it did for a while, but giant afford private therapy, and on the jumping through hoops saga of self referral you have to here, where they diagnose you in half conversation on phone, then dispatch you to all these managing stress workshops, and then finally you get one to one, don't get me wrong they are good, but not what I need I feel, that's why this forum helps so much x

Offline Karena

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Re: Sorry, must got to get it out of my system
« Reply #7 on: January 11, 2018, 10:57:24 AM »
 :hug:
 " I am glad you were able to write about what happened i think writing can sometimes help get things straight in our own heads because the trauma of events muddlies things.I still shudder when i hear an ambulance not just because of my own memorys but because you know that some-one else is suffering potentially the same trauma.For a while i couldnt even watch casualty which isnt even real,and a real ambulance would also have got the same reaction as you back then.
Can i sugest you start a thread in the new diary room. I found by doing this i was in time able to look back through it and read earlier posts all in one place when i was on the way down, and see that i had come a long way further in coping than i thought i had. One member did this for a year and others commented that they also found it helpful and gave them hope.

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Sorry, must got to get it out of my system
« Reply #8 on: January 11, 2018, 06:44:47 PM »
That is so weird, I can't wait h any medical programs anymore, I used to love them, really loved them, I tried to watch one of my favourites, it was called Ambulance, and when I saw it, there was a man who had a cardiac arrest, just like Mum and they saved him, and it broke my heart....

Offline Karena

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Re: Sorry, must got to get it out of my system
« Reply #9 on: January 11, 2018, 08:29:48 PM »
 :hug:my husband died from a stroke it seemed to me that every programme  ever soap someone had one but the worst was the government ad It was his second major one and none of those symptoms showed either time.I think it's just that we are more sensatised too everything.
The one good thing that came out of me avoiding stuff I normally watched was being restricted to BBC to avoid the ads too I got hooked on wildlife programmes which lead to an ecology online course which lead too more courses  and a new direction.