Author Topic: Wife died today  (Read 9948 times)

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Offline GHOST

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Wife died today
« on: January 21, 2018, 08:42:59 PM »
Hi,
My wife died today suddenly from the Flu virus that is going round the UK hospitals and as you may guess I'm devastated, she died at 5am and we live out in a very rural area with just my wifes 86yr old father living approx 6 miles away no other family. I'm not even sure why i have joined the forum so quickly but needed to talk to someone, I had to give up work 20 years ago due to health probs and also have severe anxiety issues. I have been sitting here trying to work out what to do next regarding funeral etc and have to phone the hospital tomorrow to arrange a death certificate and hopefully find out what to do next. Sorry if i come across like a village idiot but when you have never had to deal with a funeral its pretty overwhelming as many others on here would agree?.
Its 8.30pm and it feels like 11.30pm I guess it will get easier in time but i have never felt so helpless in my life.....I am 55 and my wife was 62 in this Jan way too young for anyone to die.
Anyway I am sorry if i haven't introduced myself correctly on here and I please excuse my ignorance of what many people do daily (dealing with deaths) but I am heartbroken.
Bye
Brian
ps my beautiful wife was called Ruth   RIP Ruthie I will love you forever

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Wife died today
« Reply #1 on: January 21, 2018, 10:02:40 PM »
Sending a welcome hug  :hug:  bereavement is a bewildering journey, one we are not taught about and have to work out/find our way through the grief rollercoaster. 
You are amongst people who understand, and no question or thought is a silly one xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Wife died today
« Reply #2 on: January 22, 2018, 10:06:05 AM »
Hi Brian.
As Emz said it is a long bewildering journey that none of us are really prepared for.I googled bereavement help one desperate night after losing my husband and luckilly found this site which has helped a great deal.
I am now a lot further down the road but just having somewhere to write things down and where there are people who understand the pain of grief because they are on the same journey is important.
The hospital will give you a leaflet explaining some of the things you need to do, usually the more legal stuff and if they dont your GP surgery may have some. also the yougov website has the same information.
Once you contact a funeral director they will guide you through the process of arranging a funeral, but of course consult with you about what you want -the vicar/priest/ officiator of the service may also come round and visit so they can get some information for what they are going to say -things about her life -what she was like -maybe some happy memories etc.
Although you have no relations except her dad his age and the wisdom that comes through that can be a source of comfort and if you have a good relationship mutual support is good. -maybe she also had friends who would be able to give you at least some practical support.

No one thinks you are the village idiot -and dont worry about where you write things here, we can always guide you with stuff like that -it isnt important in the big picture of things.For now the only real advise i can offer is take everything  one step, one hour, one day at a time.But do keep using this site, we will be here for you as long as you need us.  :hug:

Offline GHOST

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Re: Wife died today
« Reply #3 on: January 22, 2018, 09:22:14 PM »
Hi,
Thanks for your kinds words and it nice to know there is a place I can talk about issues, Ruth died within 8hrs of coming home and today found out it was a blood clot in her lungs combined with the flu virus she didn't stand a chance and was fit and healthy the day before.....last night was really bad as our 5 month old Havanese puppy Rory has been sitting in her chair whimpering (he's still at it) we are certainly going to miss Ruth, to cap it all my blood pressure was so high blood vessels burst in my nose and my blue shirt was soon red for 80mins so today i went to my GP (first time EVER on my own thanks to my panic attacks) and he gave me an injection to lower my bp and put me on antibiotics and hopefully i can try and sort out the funeral etc (we go to collect the death certificate tomorrow).
I was reading some of the other posts on this forum and how the hell people have coped with such terrible stuff is amazing and it looks like time may be a healer.
Forgot to mention while at the doctors I had to wait 30mins in the waiting room and 4 different people came in and were discussing my Ruth and all were shocked and none of them new her husband was sitting 5ft away....its such a small village they all knew her but thanks to myself being a virtual recluse i was invisible and i said to myself I will try and conquer my fears and maybe one day they will get to know their friends husband and i can share some of our happy tales we had over the years?
Thanks again for letting me join the forum and hopefully make some friends and help each other if possible.
Bye
Brian

Offline longedge

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Re: Wife died today
« Reply #4 on: January 23, 2018, 11:18:30 AM »
Hello Brian, I saw your post yesterday and as I so often do now, I started typing a reply and then gave up without posting. I know that nothing I say can make things easier for you and being over two years 'down the line' myself I also know that it's a long painful road with lots of ups and downs. I also know that having somewhere to come and 'let it all out' can help as does knowing that everyone understands. My heartfelt sympathy goes out to you.
I'll never get over losing her and I used to think that eventually
I would learn to live with it - that's not happened yet.

        ~ I'm George by the way ~

Offline Karena

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Re: Wife died today
« Reply #5 on: January 23, 2018, 02:40:22 PM »
Hi Brian and hi again longededge.It is a long journey i dont know we ever reach the end of it -but the worst times get fewer and you learn to recognise that it isnt permanant and make the most of the better times between -if that makes any sense.
Brian that must have been awful for you not being recognised but also in a way affirmation that your wife was very much loved and will be missed not just by yourself but by others although in a different way of course.
I was also very much the quieter -Keith was much better at socialising than me -and i was happy to be in the background, not confined too the house i always worked but in a fairly solitary job, both my girls had recently moved away and i was completely lost without him. There are someprops i have discovered too help overcome social anxiety too a level, -but that is very much for the future. Right now just try and focus on getting through the here and now. :hug:

Offline sallymk1

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Re: Wife died today
« Reply #6 on: January 23, 2018, 05:31:52 PM »
Hi Brian, I can identify with everything you are going through and for it to be so unexpected must be even more devastating. I am also in the early stages of grief.  I was also the quieter more reserved one in the partnership. Support is the best thing you can get at the moment doesn't really matter where it comes from and sometimes it doesn't even feel like its helping much but it does it just needs to sink in. You will repeat yourself many times, have different emotions at different times. You will ask yourself so many questions but not get any answers - at least none you can use.
I came on here today to post how it is the funeral in two days and how lost and alone I was feeling - saw your post and thought I would offer empathy and reinforce what the others are saying. Theres no rule book - just look after yourself.
Pam

Offline GHOST

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Re: Wife died today
« Reply #7 on: January 23, 2018, 07:52:56 PM »
H
« Last Edit: November 15, 2022, 05:43:21 PM by GHOST »

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Wife died today
« Reply #8 on: January 23, 2018, 08:54:56 PM »
Thank you for sharing, it is always lovely to share and get to know each other and there's plenty to be proud of there.  I'm an ex-biker myself and loved hearing about the chocolate designs
What a wonderful thing with the buns and soup :-) and I think it's a wonderful goal to have, to connect with people in the village, something to work towards and a way of sharing beautiful memories. That will certainly help on your grief journey at the right time. Grief is a rollercoaster journey, some days will be especially hard so be gentle with yourself.  Some days you will feel ready to make a step towards that goal, however big or small a step towards it and other days allow yourself some extra TLC.  Throughout all, this group will be here  :hearts: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline longedge

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Re: Wife died today
« Reply #9 on: January 23, 2018, 09:49:38 PM »
Hey Brian - you waffle away as much as you like mate. Just from what you've written I already feel that I know you. I hope you're able to overcome your shyness and being reserved, it sounds as if you've been blessed with some caring neighbours - I think it will be very important in times to come for you to make contact with people. Loneliness is a terrible thing. I know things are very different legally up there but my experience here where I live in Derbyshire was that the Registrar was very helpful in providing guidance. You've hardly had a chance for it to sink in yet - I wish you strength my friend.
I'll never get over losing her and I used to think that eventually
I would learn to live with it - that's not happened yet.

        ~ I'm George by the way ~

Offline sallymk1

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Re: Wife died today
« Reply #10 on: January 24, 2018, 03:30:36 AM »
Brian you will still be in shock. Please realise this and take care of yourself.

Offline Karena

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Re: Wife died today
« Reply #11 on: January 24, 2018, 02:33:46 PM »
I had lovely neighbours, but had to move out of the village for financial reasons very quickly

-It made sense to move where i worked and where i grew up -but unfortunately this place has become very different - no longer a farming village but second home/retirement/country living style and completely lacking in community spirit - but your community sounds like my former one was which was lovely.Perhaps you could repay the kindness of the soup and buns with hand made easter eggs or similar.
I used to be into bikes too -although breaking my back coming off one ended that  -but i still love to see them and hearing the engine of an old BSA or Triumph always has me looking round. I now work as a graphic designer -paid work for a software company -but, dumb as i am, it took a while to work out how i could use the skills to support some of the causes i care about and because its all digital now doesnt have to involve having loads of cash or overcoming social anxiety to meet people all the time, but too a level inadvertantly has done. If you have a role rather then just be a visitor i find it is easier. Perhaps your chocolate skills could in the future lead to integration and overcoming some of your shyness.
This morning i watched an interview with Rod Gilbert -the comedian -he is bringing out a new programme about shyness  -i was really suprised to hear he can stand on a stage in front of thousands yet has too work hard to summon up courage to go into a coffee shop.

I have found wildlife priceless in helping me get through this journey and combatt loneliness, you are never really alone when surounded by it even when devoid of human company.I am lucky that my garden is completely private so i can do what i like. -It is very much geared to wildlife and food growing - so learning,about permaculture - again online has created some social contacts over time and i have been recently asked to design a community garden (for a community away from this one)
But it does all take time and on the way you will find yourself stumbling about in the dark -going back where you started from and taking the wrong paths before you start to connect the right ones.

waffling is good -knowing about each other is good -and no-one would mistake you for a village idiot, but even if you were one the compassion and care here applys too all. :hug:

Offline GHOST

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Re: Wife died today
« Reply #12 on: January 25, 2018, 09:49:16 PM »
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« Last Edit: November 15, 2022, 04:04:01 PM by GHOST »

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Wife died today
« Reply #13 on: January 25, 2018, 10:46:33 PM »
Wow, love the sound of your wildlife! I'm being trained by the local birds, I have quite a flock that arrive each day for feeding, a Robin, sparrows, starlings, magpies, jackdaws (I think!) and a couple of doves. I'm sure there are other birds in the group too but I'm still learning to identify them.  If I dare to step into the garden they all zoom to the apple tree and shout at me lol :-) has become a lovely routine in my life now, feeding them first thing in the morning and watching them a few minutes before my coffee xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Wife died today
« Reply #14 on: January 26, 2018, 04:20:16 PM »
Oh wow i love the sound of your tazmanian devil.I had our dog but he has sadly passed on now -but he was always more Keiths dog than mine as keith was at home with him all day.Trying to get him to realise that i was his new pack leader wasnt always easy but the grief was something we shared and i spent many hours just walking to try and clear my head with him by by side.(he was probably thinking why cant i just go back to bed thanks very much)I,m a point and shoot photographer but one thing i have found to help me get over soem social awkwardness is that sometimes a camera validates your presence somewhere (i know we shouldnt need to feel we have to be validated but i do) and also focussing on a narrow subject helps you to forget about other people being around. as a result i have some strange collections -the radiators,running boards and chrome lights of vintage cars, and the gable ends of manchester city buildings are two such cases.
Music i am also quite ecclectic there isnt much in terms of genre i dont like (with a couple of exception)cant match you with the wood carving though Keith used to do wood turning but i,m probably not some-one who should be let loose with a sharp chisel given i,m a bit accident prone.

I,m glad you are getting on with things slowly it a huge mountain to have to climb so slow steps and plenty of rest in between. :hug: