Lost feeling hopeless

[Doris]

I was able to pull myself together at work. Even tho many dramas and worries about care for my mum since dad died and my son gambled all their savings and pension. It’s been hard as I work as a live in carer so no time off on duty 24/7. I gave up my home to move in with mum when not at work as I can’t afford to pay double bills and care for mum. Coped well until yesterday. I received a message saying mum had told carer that her grandson came to visit. I have so many fears regarding this as mum says to me she hasn’t seen him. I have fears of losing any little bit I have been able to do for myself. I fear I can’t trust mum . Sadly there has been a huge pattern for many years regarding my parents my son and I. In their eyes he could do no wrong time and time he has lied to get money. My dad knew money was going from his bank yet he never said a word. A bit like mum now. My son can’t get anything as I have power of attorney and mum has very little. I’m working extra weeks to help her. Gladly doing so. Now tho I just want to walk away. My son has had this habit for many years all the time he gets bailed out he won’t even want to sort himself . I’ve lost count of the rows there has been with dad over the years in fact we fell out a few months before he died and didn’t get the chance to make up. Any advice please

[Karena]

Its a difficult one - obviousley i dont know your son.

Firstly is it possible your mum has got confused about your son visiting or the carer misheard  her and that was a referral too the  past rather than recently.? or did the carer see your son herself.
If he cant touch her money are there other valuables he could take and if so could you get a small safe or lock up box to put them in - or is it possible that he visited because he genuinley has affection for her and doesnt soley see her as a source of cash. Maybe because he feels remorseful about the way he has treated them before your dad died, In which case then if you keep your and her posessions, that he may be able to cash in, safe, is it so bad if he does visit and your mum doesnt feel the need to lie about it.
Obviousely its a major concern if he is violent toward her or you think he might be if he has no way to get his hands on her stuff, but if he cant take her stuff  then either the visits will subside or he will be company for her - if she is aware of what he has done and forgiven him and he cant repeat it then it sugests remorse or at least genuine affection for her and maybe she could be instrumental in helping him in other ways that are actually helpful -
Does your son have a gambling addiction in which case is there any way you or she can persuade him to get professional help and move on from it, so you too can start to forgive his past behaviour, which surely would be  better all round for everyone in the end   ?

After that i,m stuck -but if you really are worried that he has been round and may be going round again behind your back and that his intentions are bad, then maybe you could get cctv - not  on what is said inside the house because thats very invasive of your mums privacy, but as a general security camera covering the front door which isnt a bad idea overall for her safety but would also allow you to  confirm in your own mind if he is visiting because until you know for sure perhaps you are torturing yourself needlessly.

dont take it too much to heart that you wernt able to make up with your dad he will have known deep down that you had his best interests at heart.

[Doris]

Thank you for kind words and very good advice. Sadly my son is a compulsive gambler. His addiction goes back many years. He has been a compulsive liar since he was 13. No matter how or which way I went for help for him my parents totally disregarded everything. My son was able to access my account a few years ago and emptied on online gambling. He showed remorse so I forgave him . I never thought he would do this to his grandparents. He has been violent towards me many times in the past never towards his grandparents. However the situation he is in now through his lies is crumbling around him very fast. We all live in Spain my son ran away from court judgements and a lot of debt in the U.K. to become his grandparents carer. He also took a job in a bar. This is where the problem started again as he met a lady and through whatever reason had to make himself look big and good. He couldn’t sustain the lifestyle so started lying to my father  a few years ago to get money. It’s just carried on. A terrible thing to say about my own son but I don’t think he is capable of true remorse. The pattern is something happens he stays away for a while then comes back says he is sorry everything is forgotten and it all starts again. I’ve spent many years supporting my son emotionally and financially to the extent it has left me broken and homeless. A few days after dad died I was due to take mum to the solicitor as of course she inherited it all but also my name is on the will. I knew I would have to get power of attorney as mum can’t handle the finances. My son caused such a row became very aggressive saying that my dad wouldn’t want me to do that. When really it was because he would be caught. I regret deeply that I didn’t act then but left it as I couldn’t deal with it all at the time as my son carried on taking from the bank even money that I left for my mum. I have no doubt that the addicts mind was telling him he could win it all back replace it so no one would know. But as we know it never works like that.
I would love to put up some sort of camera but where we live it’s shared gates and steps leading to the apartment so I would never get permission to do so. I would also dearly love to believe my son is showing true remorse again sadly I can’t it’s more like fear as he is getting caught out in his own web again with no where to run to any more.
I know mum didn’t get confused as her own behaviour in conversations over the phone gives her away even tho I haven’t asked her about it.
I would so dearly love to believe that my dad did believe I had both his and mums and even my sons best interests at heart sadly tho I believe it was more like blaming me for being such a bad mother for my son to be the way he is. Thank you anyway.

[Karena]

  Clearly you are not a bad mother - nature and nurture both make an adult - siblings who had the same childhood turn into very different adults from each other deep down your dad would have known that but sometimes with the older generation they can seem to see things very much as black and white - bearing in mind that the knowledge about neurology wasnt available, even something like epilepsy got people locked into asylums so anything more subtle such as addictions was not even explainable  and at the time religion was very influential and dictated good vs evil with nothing in between, its not suprising and theyre blameless  but they were differnt times.

  I dont know what the solution is other than to lock up anything valuable if you cant have a camera - Your mum may be lying, but not through any mal intent rather because she is afraid of a row and is going for what she sees as the diplomatic route.    

[Doris]

I know and being honest with myself it comes down to trust issues. So many horrible things keep happening that I’m finding it difficult to take on each one. There are so many challenges which there doesn’t seem to be enough time to process and deal with when the next one hits. Feeling so vulnerable doesn’t help especially with all the responsibility of mums care and finances. Especially when you have to keep a face on to the world. It’s a very lonely time for me. Thank you for allowing me to vent on here. In many ways I haven’t even allowed myself to start to grieve for dad it’s all bottled up which isn’t healthy. I’m scared that so much will just come out and everything will fall apart. I’ve still got the Spanish inheritance tax to deal with along side name changes and bank account for mum. I only have a month off work which as I’m self employed I don’t get paid for that there never seems to be anytime just to cry.

[Karena]

Ok heres something that might help. Write a list of all the things you have to sort - the practical thing like inheritance tax etc. - firstly you will find the list is probably not as long as you thought but when we are thinking in terms of all the things to be done it becomes too much and needs breaking down. - next split it into what can be done now and what is dependant on other people processing - so for example if you need to fill in a form then it goes on list A - when you have sent it off -put a big red line through it -then move it to list B because there is nothing you can now do until there is a response. Eveything on list A then has a priority - what needs doing today/tomorow/this week /this month. Start with the days priority when its done put a big red line through it and work your way down - seeing the big red line reminds you of what you have achieved so far -as each day passes.- it sounds simplistic but it really does help.

[Doris]

Thanks for the advice. Sadly things have really blown up . My mother was extremely viscous to me over the phone this morning accusing me of ripping her off and doing things to get her put into a home. I know this has come from my son. He has been waiting around for mums carer to leave each day so he could visit mum. This I know because her carers have been concerned enough that mum is being finacely abused that they have been making a report for Spanish social services. I spoke with the m today. They were waiting until I got back from work next week to talk to me and send on to social services. I believe my mother will end up in a home not because of me but my son. Even if her home was sold there won’t be enough finaces to pay for it I earn good money but not the cost we will be charged. So it will be a state run home which from what I have seen are not good. If I thought in anyway it was the dementia talking I could deal with it but sadly it’s how both my parents have treated me all my life. Everyone says we need to look after ourselves so that is what I am going to do. I will make sure legally that I will not be responsible for any debt in my mother’s name nor will I pay her bills or her care. In fact I am walking away. As how can anything nice be done for someone when they think the worse of you. I know mum is sorry for it now but once it’s out there it can’t be taken back. Sometimes I think life and emotions are like a piece of paper a new piece nice and flat once that piece of paper has been screwed up you can never get it the same again. And that is where I am. I will find a way of grieving for dad but also have to grieve for mum as well. Thank you for allowing me on here