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Bereavement Support Posts => Introduce Yourself To Us All => Topic started by: Adrian on July 13, 2017, 10:17:51 AM

Title: Karen
Post by: Adrian on July 13, 2017, 10:17:51 AM
I found this site by accident. I hope it can help. 09.06.17 is when I lost the love of my life. She died in front of me suddenly, unexpectedly, out of the blue. She was swimming in the sea. One minute ok, the next she was dead. Utterly unbelievable. There was nothing I or anybody else could do to save her. She just went. 48 years old. We had just started our lives together. We had such plans. We had mapped our future together. Now there is just a void. I tried in my grief to take my own life but was found before I could do anything. Been in hospital since. To be released tomorrow. Am on day release today. I am not sure if I can do this. I am not sure I want to. I have little help, little family and few friends. I live alone. I think that is the biggest problem. The house is empty. The house is quiet. The house is full of memories. We had such plans. We had mapped our future. We had made our commitments to each other. Now I have nothing. It's a void. Have been walking the cliff edge since Karen's death, would be so easy to take the step off. End of pain, end of heartache. No more tears. What on earth do I do ???
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Norma on July 13, 2017, 11:09:36 AM
Sending you a welcome.   :hug:

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your partner please keep talking to us I'm sure you will find it helps to talk things through with people who have experienced a loss xx
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: WOODY on July 13, 2017, 12:46:49 PM
Hi Adrian, I am really sorry to hear of your loss and sorry that you have had to join us here.
My wife passed away on 6th December 2016, i go through the pain of loosing her everyday, like you, i have had many days, where i have sat and thought, what is the point, but honestly, that will not solve anything, it certainly will not bring my wife back, or you, having these same thoughts, will not bring your partner back.

I have said this many times to people, Grief does not come with a user manual, we are all going through this horrendous journey, none of us knows what to do, but believe me, there are people here, that will help you, they will not judge you, as we are all going through the same.

The loneliness, emptiness and silence are very hard to deal with, but please give this forum a chance, there are really wonderful people here, who will listen. Not saying it's going to be easy, because it won't, but please stay here with us.
Take care
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Emz2014 on July 13, 2017, 06:58:16 PM
Sending a welcome hug  :hug:
Grief is a truly horrid journey but there's people here who have survived the journey, it will not feel like it sometimes but you can too.  Its tough and can be a rollercoaster.  Its overwhelming, take one step at a time - take it day by day, and on particularly bad days hour by hour if need be.  Sometimes we need to stand still to recover our energy, then just concentrate on baby steps.
If it becomes too much you can call the Samaritans, I know we have members here who have found that has helped.
You are not alone on this journey  :hearts: xx
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Adrian on July 13, 2017, 07:51:33 PM
I still don't really know what I'm doing here. I thought I might be listened to. Something that is very lacking in the outside world. Maybe it's because I'm not a youngster. I've managed the day but was unable to go to shops. Will have to go soon. Have eaten. What else can I say. I'm still alive. Another night on my own. How do you get through this?  If there is anyone out there with any thoughts please tell me. This is intolerable. I miss her so so much.
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Emz2014 on July 14, 2017, 07:27:45 AM
There is always someone here to listen, and we are a mix of ages.  It's not instant responses but you will always receive a response.  (we do have a Facebook page too, you'll find it much faster paced - if you find you want to talk to someone quicker.  We also have the chat room, which people tend to go in during the evening)

Unfortunately grief feels like such a slow journey when going through it.  There is no instant fix, and we can't avoid it.  It's painful but it will gradually get easier - you won't believe me now,  but slowly in time easier/better days will start to creep in.  Just need to focus on little things - keep eating, keep talking to people, finding a routine  :hearts: xx
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Adrian on July 14, 2017, 08:30:18 AM
Just to talk helps.I don't do Facebook I'm not techy. This is about as much as I can do. I had a clever partner who looked after all of this stuff. Not only was she beautiful but clever too. It's another thing for me to do now. Computer. Karen did all that for me. I'm going to miss her in so many ways. I no one to holiday with. No one to cook for. It's all just so sudden. I cry at the least little thing. It's embarrassing at times. That's why I'm not shopping. Will try today. Then cashier asks where she is. Different supermarket I suppose. Everything has changed in an instant. Discharge from hospital this afternoon. This might give me an idea what, if any help I get next. Post traumatic stress disorder. I didn't know. I didn't understand. I do now.
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Karena on July 14, 2017, 07:23:44 PM
 :hug: I think we spend a long time realising all those things and just when you think you have a handle on all the ways you miss them something else comes along that you hadn't yet thought about little things,a certain food,a TV programme a song and then the every day stuff like the computer,for me vehicle maintainance,not getting ripped off by the garage,fixing stuff.Travelling alon.The only way really is to tackle each thing as it arises,so yes if you think a different shop would help then do that.Cooking for one is hard it seems pointless but is so important.I went for the microwave meal option,then started batch cooking,portioning and freezing food so I was never actually cooking for one in the strict sense of the word.Holidays,is probably not something you need to think about right now,but even with those there are options you might consider later.We have an annual meet up usually somewhere central and just for the weekend but that has helped people make a start on getting out,also some day meets in different regions that will get posted on here.I,m not a joiner but maybe a holiday with a group interest might come up or maybe like me you will learn to travel alone and be content to do certain things alone.I know right now you're thinking none of that appeals,nothing will be the same,and you're right it won't,but that doesn't mean things being different is always bad, as time passes you start to accept that its all second best but second best isis not the same as bad forever.
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Adrian on July 14, 2017, 09:17:23 PM
I can't talk at moment  but I thank you for you thoughts. She was my world.
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Emz2014 on July 14, 2017, 09:27:58 PM
Take your time Adrian, sending a big hug  :hug: xx
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Adrian on July 14, 2017, 11:43:57 PM
At this moment in time I can quite honestly say I have never been so lonely sad alone  desperate  in all my many years. This feeling should not have to be endured by any human being. It is inhuman. Goodnight my sweet beautiful lady. Maybe these people can speak to you for me. I love you  Karen, and always will. xxxxx
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Karena on July 15, 2017, 06:23:40 PM
 :hug: :hug: :hug:.I wish we had the power to do that Adrian,But if you listen she will speak to you,in your heart and in your mind.I still talk to my husband,sometimes out loud,sometimes in my mind,he doesn't reply and yet somehow I know what he would say.Its really hard to describe how that works,its almost as though when I talk tto him a kind of peace settles over me,as if he has answered,even though I didn't hear his voice.Once my daughter and grandson were in a car crash,and I drove down to where she was but couldn't get close because the traffic was backed up,so I pulled over and started running down past all these cars.I,be never been much of a runner and was panicking like mad but I came round a corner and a rainbow appeared .To me it was as though he sent it and I knew she was going to be OK.Another time I had a panic attack in a shop and it felt like his hand rested on my shoulder and guided me back home.Its not just times of panic.I was dolphin watching once,something we both loved to do.There were a lot of people around and I could feel someone standing behind me,so close if it had been anyone else it would have been too close,but when I turned round no one was anywhere near.
I probably sound like a complete nutter and I used to not believe in this stuff at all,but follow the rational science approach,but it has happened so often it would be less rational to disbelieve ,and if it is indeed all in my head,it doesn't matter because it has brought me a lot of comfort.
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Adrian on July 15, 2017, 06:51:59 PM
Karena, it's odd that your name is so close to my love's name. But your words are beautiful and comforting. I think you should embrace any form of contact if you can call it that. I have had no such experience. All I have are a few pictures that are kissed each night and morning. Just in case Karen can see or feel or hear me as I miss her and tell her I still love her with all my heart. This is just so unfair. No one should have to endure this. I'm on my own now till tomorrow afternoon. Too much time. But thank you for taking the time to speak. Maybe this is a way forward for me.
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Karena on July 15, 2017, 08:01:03 PM
It was for me,finding this site really was something that made a big difference Keep talking too her,keep kissing her photograph,and keep coming here,even when you don't feel like talking much. Being here is a bit like familly without the fighting.Sometimes we want to talk about our loss, cry or rant,sometimes we just want to chat about day to day stuff.When i first foound BUK i never imagined i would use that laughing button but i do,probably we all do because part of loss and especially when that loss leaves you on your own is that there is no one to share not just pain with,but everyday things,something funny or daft or something achieved is better shared.
I will also not see anyone probably until Monday,But the difference that time makes is that it allows you to build something around the void you spoke of.For me its not such an unusual thing anymore. Its a bit like spinning a web,you start off with tiny strands that feel very weak,but the more you spin and others help you spin the stronger it gets.Sometimes it feels like you came full circle and find yourself looking down it again but each time you can step back and carry on spinning.It doesn't go away but you can make it safer.I have no doubt that a lot of the strands that made my web came from the people here.
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Adrian on July 15, 2017, 11:01:45 PM
Thank you Karena, I still think it's uncanny your name is so like my lady Karen. I've just kissed her goodnight. Always ends in tears. It's the same when on this site. Tears. For a grown man it seems weak. But I am being true to my feelings and true to my heart. She was my everything. And I am lost. Just finished and been signed off from hospital but I'm not sure I'm safe. Not sure at all about anything. I am not going to get old and lonely. Could not stand that. Karen did not want that either. We spoke about it. Not very fair on people you leave behind  but pain and sorrow gone. But tomorrow another day so they tell me. Sun will rise, clouds will pass, as will the hours. I will gets mother day older but Karen will stay the same age in her photo's for ever. Beautiful, glamorous, happy and vivacious with a twinkle in her eye to melt the hardest heart. She was my princess. My dream girl. I am just devastated. But thank you for being there. Thank you for knowing and understanding. Bless you.
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: quietstorm on July 16, 2017, 12:30:00 AM
Adrian I have just replied to a lovely reply message you put here for me. I didn't see your post here. I am so sorry.
There are no words really. I totally understand not wanting to carry on. Everything seems so pointless.
I won't go on here, there are some lovely people replying to your post xx
Please just know Im thinking of you.
What a dreadful and terrible thing to happen.
I'm just five months on from Steve going to work and never coming home. The house is silent even with the radio on. I cope because of my dog. She was our world.
Stay with us Adrian xx
Take it minute by minute hour by hour and know that your darling Karen would understand  :hug:xxxx
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Adrian on July 16, 2017, 10:00:09 AM
Just an additional note. Although I have been discharged from hospital, post traumatic stress disorder, and am now under GP, I don't expect a great deal of help. Not the sort I need. So this forum, the first I've ever been on, I think could be my talking therapy that I have been told to seek. One group in Walsall have already said that although I'm on thier list, they have no funding so cannot say when or even if they will be able to help me. Quite lucky I found this site. And thank you again. If I start to repeat myself or get boring and maudlin , you have my permission to shout at me. I've had my cry. Time to get on.
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Karena on July 16, 2017, 10:05:37 PM
Your words remind me of part of a poem my husband wrote." Despite Brocken feathers and tired wings never forget that every bird sings."
At the moment there is a blackbird in my garden.It looks like it had a narrow escape from a cat but every day it gets a bit better regains another feather here and there and looks a bit fatter.It lives under a holly tree and although initially waited until the other birds had finished feeding before dashing out and grabbing the scraps from the feeders now it appears as soon as the food does before i leave because it has worked out the others wont come while i,m still there. So it has found its own way to survive.All I do is put food and water out.
The thing with some birds and other animals is that when something bad happens including bereavement.They do go too a safe space and nurse their wounds for however long it takes,coming out only to find food and water.Its a natural instinct.Us humans with our rushed lives and our so called rationality have lost some of our instinct and pressurise ourselves to conform.We think crying is weak,and yet crying is a natural thing,part of our physiology.We think grief will go away after the funeral or after a period of mourning decreed by what is nothing more than Victorian ethics,even though Victoria herself grieved for much longer.Recovery from any injury whether physical or mental trauma takes as long as it takes.Healing is a process it can't be rushed or bypassed.So take each day as it comes and as much time as you need.One day that blackbird will sing,and one day you will notice the sun on your back hear a bird singing and smile.even if its just for a fleeting moment,it will be a defining one and one that you can cling too through darkness ahead because once you've done that you know you can do it again.Those moments will get longer and more frequent over time.
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Adrian on July 16, 2017, 11:01:52 PM
Dear dear Karena, I read your words in our bed,  just trying to settle. I have drugs to make me sleep. The nightmares are unbelievable, so I have prescribed. They are very old. Don't even dream. Your thoughts and words are like a bed time story. I am calm and ready for sleep. I am off to work for the first time tomorrow. Only doing a couple of hours. See how I get on. But I feel more confident tonight than I have before. This site, some friends, a few texts and phone calls. It's made my day. I am just about to go kiss my ladies pictures goodnight. There are 8 of them and I take my time with each and say a few words. I used to say to her, looking her straight into her eyes, I love you, I love you, I love you. Then a gentle kiss with love and passion. I will never find this again in my life. It was a once in a lifetime opertunity. She has gone, and I am left.
I thank you for your kindness, your thoughts, your time. You are a special person. Goodnight Karena. Bless you.
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Emz2014 on July 17, 2017, 01:55:52 PM
I hope your return to work has gone ok. People often find the routine/distraction helps but don't feel bad if you need a break now and again  :hug: xx
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Karena on July 17, 2017, 07:53:20 PM
Hope your work was tolerable at least,None of this is easy. :hug:
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Adrian on July 18, 2017, 06:42:59 AM
Tuesday morning, awake by 5. Picked up memorial box yesterday. Just as expected. Just what I wanted. Made very bad mistake of reading through small number of cards Karen had sent to me over our brief time together. Absolutely sobbed my heart out. Grief worse than ever. Big big mistake just before bed. Didn't think. Probably set myself back weeks. Lesson learned. Always been one to try to run before walk so a lesson to any poor soul going through similar to me. DONT RUSH IT. Very bad nights sleep and feel totally heartbroken again this morning. Have spoken with her and explained my position. She is staying on her dressing table till I feel a very great deal stronger. I advise anyone else in my position to do the same. It makes me wonder if Karen's rotten family are going through the same. Still feel very sorry for her mom though. Karen's good friend who had started texting me has now stopped. She was my last contact with Karen's past. She knew this as I specifically told her. So I'm on my own now, like so many others, with a few photo's and some beautiful beautiful memories. It does not appear to be getting any easier. I miss my lovely girl. Used to sign off with her on text with 5 kisses. XXXXX
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Karena on July 18, 2017, 09:26:03 PM
Don't rush anything is really good advice,but also don't think that breaking down  is some kind of failure,it isn't.Its a roller coaster journey and sometimes it feels like something puts you back at the beginning, but there are no ways to short cut it.
Breaking down is normal,not a set back not a failure,that's what I meant about being kind too yourself .

Those memory's,those photos that make you cry now will in the future also make you smile through those tears,That's what a memory box should be for,but that doesn't mean you can't put them away for a while or go through them a little bit at a time.It was at least a year before I could even open our wedding album.CD,s got put into two racks,Those that were zero risk those that wern,t.But no matter how you try and protect yourself there is always the unexpected.The song on the neighbours radio,a distant view of someone who looks like her,an irrational disappointment when some one comes into a room and its not her.Or something completely random that you didn't forsee.
I don't really prescribe to grief theory's,the idea that we all are the same and we and our grief can be put into a nice little file.But the famous five stages one ends with acceptance.For me acceptance meant accepting grief,and that these things will happen,there will be breakdowns and bad days,I will be impatient with myself for still grieving,I will be tired of grieving,but that's the state of play.If you break your leg,you don't expect to run the next day,you know it takes time to heal,casts crutches , operations casts crutches,physio,falls,faltering steps,slow walks,building up slowly,and possibly always having a limp,With a Brocken leg we accept that,grief is invisible,no cast no crutches but we do need to take time to heal in the same way.
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Adrian on July 18, 2017, 11:19:51 PM
As always, your words are thoughtful, compassionate and knowledgeable. I once again am in your debt. I am on a little bit of a high tonight. I have tonight had a tattoo. The first in all my long years. Karen tried on multiple occasions to get me tattooed. It was a standing joke. I always resisted. Until tonight. Karen had an arm tattoo that said STRENGTH HOPE WISDOM.  Small scrolls and 3 flowers, in pink. I took this picture with my experienced daughter to an artist and had same tattooed on my right arm. Adding in tasteful script underneath,  HAPPINESS LOVE JOY DEVOTION. All words we exchanged. Just this simple act of perpetual remembrance, I can see every day on my arm has made me so happy tonight it's like a revelation. Not for everyone but has done me a power of good. First thing I did when home was to go upstairs to our bedroom to show her. And I told her how much it had made me happy. In one of her photo's she has a radiant smile, I took that one to be she's happy with me. I loved that lady,  I love her this minute. I will always love her. This tattoo is a catalyst to my love for my special lady, Karen. I will say goodnight to her now, infront of you so you know just how much she meant to me and how much I miss her. Thank you so so much for listening to me. This has been so hard to bare. You being out there has helped. Please don't let go of me yet.
Adrian.
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Emz2014 on July 19, 2017, 07:20:24 AM
That's wonderful Adrian  :hug:  I had another tattoo after losing my dad, specifically for him, it does feel very special and I love it xx
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Karena on July 19, 2017, 08:21:03 PM
Don't worry Adrian this place and those of us in here are going no where.I think you  being drawn to the smiley picture is a sign of approval. You never have to stop loving her,or break the bond between you.The nature of the bond does change,because the physical being has changed and we have to cope with that change and with ourselves being changed by it.But it is like elastic it changes form stretches and then moves back together you never have to break it.

Tatoos seem to be today's theme,I have just replied in Woody's post,he is thinking of getting one too.The design on my avatar is one I drew with the intention of it being a tatoo but I never actually plucked up the courage to do it.Perhaps I should take inspiration from the three of you and get on with it.might wait until after my visit to ZA in November.Then it will be another year before No 1 daughter spots it.Perhaps I should do it on the next annual meet up then you lot can march me through the door and feed me prosecco beforehand.
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Adrian on July 19, 2017, 08:40:43 PM
 What is avatar???
I cannot recommend a tattoo more highly. Choose your artist with care. Recommendations only. I have had no problems and the process is not at all bad. 24 hours on and I have no irritation or soreness. I and all who have seen my tattoo, including my 87 year old Aunt, have said it is tasteful and artistic. But the most important aspect is, it pleases me. It's what I wanted. Karen will now fore ever be with me. That means more than the world to me. I cannot recommend more highly. GO FOR IT.
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Adrian on July 19, 2017, 10:15:37 PM
I'm still a little confused about who sees my messages. I'm not sure how this works. Am I replying to the whole site or to individual's? Anyway, to all. I have just been told that Karen's family, quite rightly, have kept her ashes. That means I have nowhere I can go to grieve my beloved ladies demise. Totally shut out. The bizarre part is I had showed her more love and devotion in our few years than they had in all thier collective lives. She had been systematically let down by each and every one of them from the age of 12 . Even to her last few days she stays with her best friend who phoned both mother and sister to tell them what they had done between them. Karen had self bused with a knife from wrist to shoulder. At least 20 nasty cuts. I helped bathe and cream them. But she was so happy to be going away with me next day said little else about it. It had happened before. And I picked up the piece before. I just wish I had cancelled the trip. I just wish and wish and wish. Don't seem to be progressing. Got two docs too see now. Any ideas people. I need help. You see, I still love her to bits and kiss her photo's goodnight and good morning.  Those pills are in my mind again tonight. No more pain.
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Emz2014 on July 19, 2017, 10:35:10 PM
On the forum everyone can see your posts .  If you want to communicate with one person it would be through the 'my messages' section

You can choose anywhere you like to be a special place for you to visit - it could be somewhere that meant something to you both or choose somewhere you like.  The place where my dads plaque is isnt actually where he is and not a place we went together, but we chose there and I always feel at peace when I go there - it's like a set meeting place, somewhere I can go and sit, take flowers etc. 

Its really painful now, but hold on in there. You're not alone here and people here do understand the journey.  Its a rollercoaster but you can get through this  :hug: xx
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Karena on July 20, 2017, 08:52:43 PM
Hi Adrian.The Stated is the little picture next too our names.Don't worry about who can see your posts,we are all here for mutual support but we,re also vigilant about trolls.Emz and I are moderators so we are here a lot,

Re the ashes if the family are at all amenable I wonder whether they would let you have a tiny amount to put into a small jar box or piece of jewellery.If not then as Emz said there are other ways to find a place to grieve.Perhaps planting something,there are official memorial woodland. I bought a plaque,not a traditional type but one with a. Poem on,which I attached too a large planter,there is always something blooming in there and his favourite plants.I also planted native daffodils in some of our favourite spots.Once when we were out walking we went up a hill and overlooking an amazing view I found a poem laminated and tied too a tree.It was from a daughter to her dad,and clearly the place had had meaning too them.It was very moving,and also I thought a beautiful idea.

It is clear that everything you did was through love and caring including booking the trip.You were a shining light in her life and brought her some comfort and happiness where it seems others did not..What happened was in no way your fault.
As Emz says hold on in there,I know life feels unbearable but I promise it will get better,its not a cliche but it takes a long time to believe that.
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Adrian on July 20, 2017, 09:23:33 PM
Your words are a comfort. As always. The reason I could not go to Karen's funeral was for fear of being stabbed. So a request for a tiny portion of the one I loved more than any of her family, would be met as you can expect with contempt. But a lovely thought. To have her with me for the rest of my life would be perfect. But I am dealing with the lowest form of pond scum you could imagine. I do not have contact with any of her family because they blame me for her death. Even though the autopsy came back natural causes, it was my fault. And my biggest problem now is I also think that is true. I am now back at hospital out patients on emergency basis and have psycho nurse phone each day. I am going to go with this last attempt to straighten my head but if it fails then I return to my plan. I know hat to do and how to do it. There will be no mistakes.
This might sound a bit dramatic but I am not prepared to live like this. I thank you for all o your kind thoughts and words. You are amazing.
Adrian.
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Emz2014 on July 21, 2017, 08:16:19 AM
I'm positive it was not your fault, it is your grief which is making you believe that.  It's normal to feel we should or shouldn't have done something.

Have you already got a counsellor to talk to?  Can you speak with the crisis team regarding your thoughts?  It does feel extremely painful right now but it's such early days.  There is hope, and that's what you need to hold on to.  You have previously mentioned they suggested talking therapy. Please find a counsellor aswell - it doesn't hurt to have as much support as you need right now.

Have you been seeing your friends?  You said you had contact with karens friend, can you have contact with her?  It is good to have some company when you can
And don't forget, if you can't get hold of the crisis team then the samaritans are always there.  xx
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Adrian on July 21, 2017, 08:30:48 AM
It will always be my fault. She was in my care. I let her down. I have reached out for help and am to start this afternoon. Friends?????
Karen's friend knows how much she means to me. She knows how much I need her. She has offered little. But that's people for you. No councillor. Feel very alone. She has gone. I am lost.
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Karena on July 21, 2017, 07:24:45 PM
I hate seeing you in despair like this.Please don't let that pondlife win by their views on this.It sounds very much to me from what you have said about her life before she was with you that by blaming you they are trying to get rid of their own guilt about their part in her life.Being so down and already blaming yourself they have made it worse by doing that.
You havnt said exactly what happened and I know it may cause you too much pain to do so,but it seems to me who is always drawn to the sea,that as an adult,if I go in there then no one  is to blame if something goes wrong unless they physically hurt me.I once watched a friend jump in and the shock of the cold caused him a heart episode.He got himself to the beach but in the water i could not have got too him quickly enough even from shouting distance.The water was calm,there were others of the group in there too,no way could we have forseen it,so if the outcome had been serious we would not have been to blame, but we may have believed we were because grief bends our minds so cruelly. Do you think she would blame you or be really upset to know how you are blaming yourself.
My personal belief is that we have a spirit or soul which leaves when we die not staying with our body,not in a grave or our ashes. Taking it from a scientific point of view,all of us are made of and by energy.When our body is too damaged to repair it no longer needs energy so there is no energy in us.But all energy transfers to other forms.We can't see energy only its effects but it is never lost from the world,and so it makes sense to me that what we call our soul or spirit,or consciousness, the thing that makes us more than just a body is made up of that energy and can exist outside our body.Consciousness is what makes us aware of our desires but that is triggerd by reactions tied up in that energy.The things that brought us together,genes or chemicals that created attraction and bonds between us remain.So even though we draw comfort from having Ashes we don't need them for their energy to be around us.
Please take all the help you can get,but also please remember that even though you think you don't have friends,you made some new ones the instant you made your first post here. :hug:
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Adrian on July 21, 2017, 07:36:48 PM
I am trying to use this site. I am not good with computers I am not good with techy stuff. I cannot see how to talk to others. None of this makes sense. But you are there and it is obvious you know what you're talking about. So I talk to you. Please be patient with me.
Adrian
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Karena on July 21, 2017, 08:22:47 PM
You're doing fine with the techy stuff. To get to the chat room you have to go to www.berevementuk.co.UK on Google.On the home page is a list of links.its on the left hand side of the page.The link to forum would bring you back to here.About 2 from the bottom of that list it says live evening chat.If you click on or press that it takes you too the chatroom login.It asks for username,just use the one you put in here to make life easy.That should then take you to live chat.I don't usually go in there because its obviously much faster than here and I struggle with small tablet keyboard don't have a proper computer at home.
You could also try the Facebook group but you would need to create a Facebook account first.Its a closed group which means no one from outside the group can see what you write there.If you can manage to set one up send me a private message here with the details.Facebook name etc and I will send you a friends request.You have to accept that and then I can add you too the group.
I am here usually in the evenings but not all the time.The Facebook group is bigger with more people.Also a lot of people are logged in there permanently on their phones so when someone posts in the group the phone notifies them.For me this is a more  comfortable space and it is easier to answer at length,and Facebook is for more general stuff although still very supportive,so I use both.
I won't lose patience,don't worry I might not be logged in to answer straight away but I will always answer when I am.
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Adrian on July 21, 2017, 08:42:39 PM
Don't do Facebook. Not really interested.. will write down what you have said and see what I can do. Don't hold your breath. But thank you. Only just found out I can increase size of screen. That's the problem of being on your own. Karen was the techy lady. Used to get so frustrated with me cuz I just didn't really want to know. Not my thing. I'm an outdoors man. I don't watch TV, I don't play computer games. I am a dinosaur. But I need to talk because this grief is killing me. And I have, at present, no back up. This may change this weekend as I've asked for help again. I've told them this is my last attempt. If I'm failed again then I shall take matters into my own hands. Plans are in place and I have told them so.
This is not a plea for sympathy. It's fact. I cannot and will not go on like this. It's too much to bear.  I am sorry to put this on you but I am sitting here alone, very very sad, and no one to talk to. What a sad way of life. You people are wonderful. Keep up the good work.
Adrian.
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Adrian on July 21, 2017, 10:43:38 PM
Have tried what you said. My login already there. Won't let me in. Give up. Goodnight.
Adrian.
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Emz2014 on July 21, 2017, 11:21:38 PM
Try this link to the chat room tomorrow evening Adrian (can try tonight, I just dont know what time people are in there until)   http://bereavementuk.co.uk/chat/

Give the chat room a try - it is extremely isolating and lonely at the moment, but that can and will change.  Hold on in there and give it some more time xx
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Karena on July 22, 2017, 08:00:02 PM
Being outdoorsy and not playing computer games doesn't make you a dinosaur,or if it does then I am one too.Facebook doesn't have to be cute kittens either.You can chose how much or how little you want to take part and if you chose to just be with the one fb group you can.
.Being outdoors and into wildlife my other groups include sea watch,dolphin spotting,Sanparks and Kruger,as well as BBC spring watch.TV has its moments too,things like frozen planet are fascinating.
I don't know in what way outdoors appeals to you,but I,m 100% certain its a healthy place to be.I never feel alone in the garden, because there is always wildlife around.A walk or other outdoor exercise is a good way to counteract depression or anger.Walking very fast up the hill behind my house has saved my sanity when it comes to feeling angry with neighbours actions recently,
It is a travesty that more professional help isn't easily found,we are not professionals but we do have experience of this journey.
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Adrian on July 31, 2017, 04:18:52 PM
Haven't been on for a while. Hospital. Sort of breakdown. Out now and trying to work. I am completely lost. I am a shell of the man I was. I cannot get over this. Loosing Karen. Not sure I want to stay here.  Little support, few contacts, no interest, no future no hope. So what's the point. Suppose I'm reaching out. Again. It's all I do. Look for help. Not much out there. No funds. Will try to speak again.
Adrian
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Karena on July 31, 2017, 08:11:12 PM
Hi Adrian,noticed you were absent. :hug:
Have they given you any anti depressants,if not it might be worth a word with your GP I couldn't take them but I did get counselling through GP practice.
Trying to work is a positive step,even though when I went back neither heart nor soul was in it,and I made mistakes,luckily not too drastic,but it does at least give the day some structure.
I spent my whole adult life being a carer,Gran then kids then mum then Keith,with no one left to care for I couldn't see any point too my life either,caring for myself was always second to caring for others,I didn't know how to do it.No future no direction no one needed me,but over time I worked through it,gave up looking for direction or purpose and focussed instead on just getting through the next hour or next day rather than think about an empty future.It took 5 years to think about direction,how to use what skills I had and learn new ones so I can actually feel I have something to give.Things will fall into place You may never be the same person but that doesn't mean you will always be a person who feels they have no purpose.There is no such person,the homeless guy in Manchester probably didn't think he had but if he hadn't been where he was he wouldn't have been able to help those kids.That's big scale,you know you've done that kind of thing,but some things you don't know,perhaps smiling and saying good morning to someone will make a difference to their day and ultimately their life,you would never know it had,but that doesn't make it any less valuable.
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Adrian on July 31, 2017, 08:58:31 PM
It's the hopelessness, emptiness, hollowed pit of stomach  ache. Probably self pity. I'm still crying for her. I have never in my life felt so absolutely awful. I have a plan to end my life. No a plea for help. I've thought it through very carefully. No coming back. But I am frightened.
Not brave enough tonight. Will I ever be? And yes I'm on anti depressants and diazipam. I don't know what to do. I've got a 24 hr hotline number. But these people who come every other day don't do much. Not a lot of help. So whats the point of calling them. I wish I had the courage just to pop my stash. It would be all over then. No more pain. I don't know what to do. Lost. Wilderness. My love has gone.
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Karena on August 01, 2017, 10:22:50 PM
 :hug: I imagined if there is such a thing as an afterlife and we do get to meet again,how short the conversation would be and how angry he would be if I actually went through with it after he fought for his life,
I don't know if there is anything like that ahead of this life,none of us do,but I want there to be and,I want to be welcomed with loving arms not anger or tears,and I want to have a longer conversation,to share adventures and everyday stuff just like we did when he was here.I realise that I might be wrong that there is none of that,but I realised I wasn't prepared to take a chance on it,and decided that I will live my life for him,be his eyes on the world,somehow make myself get through and start doing that.I have no regrets on doing that and it certainly wasn't easy but I,m glad now that I did.
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Adrian on August 01, 2017, 10:45:11 PM
Words and thoughts taken on board. I'm still here. Why I don't know. Frightened. Went to a mental health group. Last minute invite. Was reaching out and invite came back. I was the only male. Felt better for sharing. I do not suffer on my own.  But I do suffer. And that is so so hard. Karen and I were a miss match in so many ways. But our love was true and special. I have a broken heart that will never mend. I have an empty shell that will never be re filled. I have so much love in me that has no where to go. I have a future, should I go that way, that will be empty and devoid of my one true love. But I have just a little hope tonight. Might not stay with me but, here now. Stash still there as an escape clause, but put away in cupboard for tonight. Being alone for the rest of my life frightens me as much as ending my life. Catch 22 . I am going to try harder. I have a neighbor who is in this line of care. She is coming round tomorrow. We see how it goes. Thank you for being there.
Adrian.
Title: Re: Karen
Post by: Emz2014 on August 02, 2017, 08:31:44 AM
For me, the phrase 'never make permanent decisions on temporary feelings' has helped me.  By temporary I am not taking away the gravity/strength of the pain you feel, but I mean the feelings/moments.  I still remember the pain when it felt so bad it felt physical.  But that too passes.  If I think of feelings through a day, we feel many different ones in a day and often varying degrees of feelings too.  It will get easier but it will feel slow.  Hold on to the small signs of light at the end of the tunnel, such as the feeling it felt for sharing.  Gradually over time more of these will happen and help you.

And dont look too far forward, it'll just overwhelm your mind trying to predict the future, we all try to predict the future but we cant.  So for now, focus on day by day, or week by week (even hour by hour on really bad days). 

Never make permanent decisions on a temporary feeling  :hearts: xx