Author Topic: Sudden Death  (Read 2664 times)

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Offline Ramesh

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Sudden Death
« on: February 17, 2018, 07:18:56 PM »
New here - wish I didn't have to be here.

Basic facts:

24 January, woke to find my lovely Yogita, not breathing.  Immediate call to emergency services, attempted CPR.  Ambulance crews arrived and continued.  Same in hospital.  She could not be saved.  This has proved to be the worst day of my near 50 years.
We had not long returned from holiday and all was well.  She was 36, healthy and active.
Coroner took a week or so to carry out a post-mortem - inconclusive.  We have a further 5 weeks before test results provide a possible cause.

Funeral was on Thursday.  This was another bad day which brought out all the tears of the last 3 weeks.  So so final,
Have cried much, when I can.  Mostly numbed to the core and wish I did not have to wake from sleep - ever, but each day gets me up regardless.

I am also carrying a massive guilt as I never really showed her the love and attention she deserved.  I was always very much work focused.  I have only realised now that it is too late, what is important in life.  I guess I have plenty of time ahead of me to face this cold hard lesson.

What little faith, I had in God previously, now totally gone.

Support

I do have family around me providing support and have a handful of friends who have stepped up to hear me out.  I know ultimately, family and friends will get back to their lives and I will have to get used to the emptiness that is my new reality.

Have tended to be self-sufficient and not used to asking for help,  but know I won't be able to deal with this on my own.  Looking to get some professional help as well.  Reaching out for other avenues of help.

Ramesh - totally broken.

Offline Lost675

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Re: Sudden Death
« Reply #1 on: February 18, 2018, 10:24:16 AM »
Hello. I too am at the beginning of all this. On 8 January I couldn't wake my husband in the morning, he had passed away at some point during the night without a sound or any prior illness or warning. He was 50. The shock of that morning and the pain since is beyond words. I have no words of wisdom I'm afraid because it's all so raw for me too but I just wanted to acknowledge your post. I hope this forum helps you  in any way it can. Kim

Offline sallymk1

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Re: Sudden Death
« Reply #2 on: February 18, 2018, 12:50:05 PM »
Hi
I agree about not wanting to be here on this forum, but we are and sometimes it does help to write down what we feel and to get support that you are not alone in the way you are feeling and its all perfectly normal as mad as that sounds in an abnormal situation. I agree the funeral tends to be a watershed and really marks the start of the acute grief. For me up to that point I guess I was in shock and numb. My partner died suddenly but not totally out of the blue, just sooner than expected.
I am struggling with lonliness, especially as Occupational Health decree I am not yet fit to return to work. Reach out when you can to others or just take time to reflect. Please take care, I would send peace of mind if I could.
By the way guilt is something we all deal with, that you feel you did not show enough love does not mean she did not feel the love you had for her. We lead our lives in accordance to our goals and plans but we cannot know if we can achieve them especially if life takes us in a direction we don't want to go.
Regards
Pam

Offline Ramesh

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Re: Sudden Death
« Reply #3 on: February 19, 2018, 06:37:07 PM »
Kim, Pam

Thanks for your messages of support and acknowledgement.

Pain beyond words - I'd echo that.  It is a massive shock.  Any kind of words would almost bound the raw pain, which I have not wanted to do.  I've had moments when I've just wailed, but more lately, this has given way to mostly numbness.  Then the loss comes back in unexpected ways - such a recent trip to one of our supermarkets - head filled with memories as I walked around.
I struggle to call out for help and in reality don't need much in my state.  For me a simple, I hear you and I'm here for you is enough.

Am learning quickly who I can and can't lean on.

Loneliness - struggling with this - big time.  Empty bed - magnifies the pain before sleep and on waking.  Not sure how to deal with this.      Even when I have family staying over to watch out for me, ultimately, I'm going to sleep alone.
I guess this is something that needs to involve other people and waking hours.  Being back at work might help, but need to be ready for that.

Guilt - I've just parked that for now - haven't been able to deal with it, but know it will keep coming back.

I have a sense that things may ease with time and have enough of an understanding to look after myself through this.

Right now, however, I'm happier in my misery - that is all I can muster and all I have to connect me to my love.  Why would I wish to let go of that?

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Sudden Death
« Reply #4 on: February 19, 2018, 07:35:16 PM »
 :hug: sending a welcome hug.  This grief rollercoaster takes time and I hope you find some comfort/support here during your journey xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Lost675

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Re: Sudden Death
« Reply #5 on: February 19, 2018, 08:17:30 PM »
The empty bed feeling is awful. I put a pillow in the bed on my husbands side. Somehow, just helps me feel the bed isn't so big and empty.

Offline Karena

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Re: Sudden Death
« Reply #6 on: February 20, 2018, 11:44:02 AM »
Hi Ramesh

You are at the start of a long difficult journey and it is very early days. It is almost 7 years now since my husband died  so i am a lot further along it than you.

You are right people that are left in your life do change, some will fade away others step up and remain by your side.
I think the periods of numbness are your brains way of giving you a period of  rest while it can process what has happend.I distinctly remeber one morning as i set off for work seeing buildings and cars and people moving through their lives as though i was looking from a great distance and actually wondering if it was me who had died.

I know what you are saying about not wanting to let go of your pain - and that instinct to hide away and wrap yourself in it is also a perfectly natural response us humans with our busy lives and timed slots deny our instincts -often they conflict with societys expectations - but the need to withdraw too the lair like that is a natural instinct  - You might also feel that it would be a betrayal  to come back out. The first time you laugh that guilt hits,then the first day you enjoy doing something, or the first time you go on holiday - but in time you will come to see that allowing yourself some happiness isnt letting her go, because just as in life both pain and joy are shared and joy doesnt have to end, but is shared in a different way.She will still guide your life even though she is no longer physically present in it.
We never stop loving some-one when they die, and we can build on that love and use it to find a way to move forward in our own lives by calling on that love.

I decided i would live my life for us both and overcoming some of the hurdles too get that without falling into the endless pit of despair that his physical presence left behind isnt easy. Even now i can get very close too the edge at times,and find i am suprised to be back there -this up coming anniversary is one of them -why is this any worse then the last few i dont know - but then i imagine him watching,and holding out a hand to steady me and move away from the edge again.
If there is anything good that could possibly have come from all this, it is that by trying to look at the world through two pairs of eyes i see its beauty much more clearly than i ever did before -and yes i used to put a pillow in the bed too  - but i find i dont need to fill that space now as in an intangible way he still fills it.

Offline Ramesh

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Re: Sudden Death
« Reply #7 on: February 20, 2018, 11:50:28 PM »
Karena

Thanks for your thoughts - from a perspective on the journey that is so far ahead.  I cannot imagine 7 years hence and OK to focus on right now.
Like the idea about numbness - makes sense.  I do feel a little odd though as I have tears welling up behind my eyes but they don't come out past this background of nothingness.
Hurts to even think about laughing or enjoying something less her.  Liek the idea of building on the love and using that as a guide to life.  Feels too raw to get into that frame of mind.

My immediate decisions around how I might honour her memory have been more about wanting to join her than any consideration for a distant future.
This experience, has however, shocked me into a stop and hope that it will prompt me to see differently.

Empty bed - I'm sleeping on her side of the bed.  Still hurts when I stretch out to not find her there - miss her presence.  Guess I have some way to go before I can sense her filling the space.

Offline Karena

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Re: Sudden Death
« Reply #8 on: February 21, 2018, 10:15:38 AM »
It takes time Ramesh and i know thats a cliche, but thats my experience -i also had the same thoughts as you about being with him but i knew how he would feel about me hurting others. especially his already devastated grandkids. In the early days just getting from hour to hour, then day to day any way you can is the only choice. :hug:

Offline Ramesh

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Re: Sudden Death
« Reply #9 on: February 22, 2018, 10:44:05 PM »
Karena

Appreciate the thoughts.  Yes, have an understanding that it will take time.   Yet it is the child side of me that is hurting and trying to deal with the pain.  It almost feels like I am not equiped to face this level of hurt.  Numbness is easier, but even that then starts to feel difficult.  So seem to be bouncing between these mixed sad emotions.

Also have to challenge myself on re-reading my own words. I genuinely wish I could join her, but that is not a way to honour her memory.  I need to think of some more appropriate ways to respect and honour her memory, although I fear that involves treading through all my guilt.

Thursday, we carried out a religious ceremony aimed at providing peace for her soul.  That was hard as it brought back all the hurt from the first day and from the funeral.

Still only managing a few hours at a time of focus.  Everything else feels a blur.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Sudden Death
« Reply #10 on: February 23, 2018, 07:42:57 AM »
Try and take things slowly, a day at a time. It will feel like wading through treacle at time, be gentle with yourself, the grief journey can feel so slow sometimes  :hearts: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Ramesh

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Re: Sudden Death
« Reply #11 on: February 25, 2018, 08:51:12 AM »
Hi

Day at at time - is as much as I can manage at the moment.  I have had thoughts about the future.  I know I have to return to work from a practical point of view and out of necessity.  If I could have my way, I would probably wait a good few months before returning to work, but also realise a need to 'get out of myself'. and back into the real world which carries on with each new day.  Indeed, despite my own inner protests, I have still managed to get up and see each day in and out.

Wading through treacle - yes it does feel like that and worse at times.  At least with treacle, I understand it's nature but the stuff I'm wading through seems to be constantly changing at times, it allows tears, other times, I'm numbed so much that I can't let anything out despite a desperate need to express.  Mostly, I'm just stuck.  Whilst dealing with what's in my head and heart, I am also watching out for others around me for fear of making them uncomfortable or the 'don't cry, be strong' message.  Am learning to find my own spaces to cry, to share and know where and when it is better or safer hold it in.

I'm in India - back to her homeland, essentially to be with and support her family here (mother and brother).  This place is filled with memories of our recent holiday here and I'm finding it very difficult - have had a good few tearful moments triggered by sights from recent walks, simple sights and just being near where her hear was.  Much as I am here to support her family, they are proving to be a support for me.   The tears shed here feel very different to the absolute sobbing from earlier days.  I am less concerned about holding back and the crying does not last as long, but feels purposeful and cathartic.  Does no ease the dull sadness that I constantly feel, but gives me moments of connection which I value.

As an aside, I've been able to reflect on the differences in grieving between the UK and India.  I have been able to access support and could if needed take my time to grieve and rebuild my life less my partner.  There are of course practicalities and pressures.  Support is available from various avenues - government, local authority, NHS, GP, voluntary organisations, friends and family, the Internet.

Here in India, they appear to be more resilient - they seem to just get on with life.  This is driven as much by necessity as the support systems are much less.  They have to get back to work as soon as possible, as otherwise, they risk going hungry.   There do have good family support and religion plays a much bigger role in their lives.  Excessive tears would be considered bad for the peace of soul, so their crying is limited when others are around.  The feelings and experiences will be the same.  Even with raw emotions from my own loss, I cannot imagine how tough this must be for her mother and brother, yet they put up a strong face and just get on with it.

Religion and the simple daily purpose of life here provides them a level of comfort through this journey.  Death is just a part of the cycle of life and we all have to face it eventually.  Even though I am thinking and writing this myself, I'm afraid it gives me no comfort and would feel an urge to punch anyone that said this to me.  This is just part of the battle that is going on in my mind, so can but reflect on it.

R
« Last Edit: February 25, 2018, 08:53:21 AM by Ramesh »

Offline Karena

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Re: Sudden Death
« Reply #12 on: February 26, 2018, 12:11:29 PM »
 :hug:Different cultures do handle things differently. The degree of necessaty to return to providing for yourself and other familly and certainly religion plays a big part.  -I have seen in Africa every township has a funeral director and no matter how poor they are people try to save for their funerals.
Many of them are Christians, but also still follow old tribal traditions of ancestor wisdom and turn too those ancestors for that wisdom in their present life.In a way this makes most sense to me as even without the kind of ritual involved over there I think we often find as time passes we are thinking about how that person would have reacted, what they would have said what they would have advised and therefore taking that wisdom no matter whether we believe they may or may not be in another place now.
Most religions i think have a next life -whether thats some kind of heaven or a re -birth on earth -and even science cannot rule out some form of afterlife in a conclusive way, as Energy cannot leave but is converted too another form, and quantum physics also questions some of the more traditional views of physics.

But none of this really takes away our pain because it is us who remain here and are lost without the physical presence of those we love. But it is very difficult too express that because to say that them being somewhere better  doesnt offer enough consolation too us who are left behind sounds selfish even too ourown ears -almost a thought we dare not thinklet alone express.

I found things people said -typically "he has gone to a better place" very irritating but also i think that any belief that brings consolation too others is perfectly ok -even their particular belief brings none to me, because there is love in those comments - it is their way of offering consolation,and no matter how misguided it may feel, it is better than the silence others often treat us with when they say nothing or even cross the road too avoid speaking too us.