Author Topic: Loss of my soulmate of 52 years  (Read 12668 times)

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Offline colin

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Loss of my soulmate of 52 years
« on: August 03, 2016, 04:24:34 PM »
Still having a trouble coping without my Pat,every day is a nightmare cannot explain all the feelings of loss,heartbreak,anger at the loss of my darling nothing seems to matter anymore,don't want to do much only the basics,cleaning,gardens etc can't see the future without my Pat,so,so lost and heartbroken missing my darling with all my heart.Night time is the worst,dreading the dark nights and winter coming,where will it end the pain is unbearable I don't know if it can get better at this moment in time.Sorry to bang on I know most of us on here are in the same position and are suffering at our loss of our loved one.Once again sorry for going on.Best Wishes to you all.

Offline Julie Magson

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Re: Loss of my soulmate of 52 years
« Reply #1 on: August 03, 2016, 06:42:19 PM »
You must never feel the need to apologise Colin. that's why we are here. I wish someone had the answer to our sorrow but they don't. I'm dreading the darker nights too- only just managed to survive the ones we've just gone through. The days go so slowly but the months seem to fly by. I just keep clinging onto the hope that things will get easier as so many of the people on here say they do.  :hearts:

Offline colin

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Re: Loss of my soulmate of 52 years
« Reply #2 on: August 03, 2016, 07:49:26 PM »
Hi Julie,
        People will keep saying  things will get better,Ihave had a discussion with my G.P.He says things will never get better but we will learn over time to cope with the loss,but we will always hurt and not really get over the loss after 52yrs of married life,I have also been for bereavement counselling with the MacMillan staff, to be honest I found this of little help,I got the immpression that they where waiting for the tears to flow and offered very little support,stopped after 2 sessions,my son and daughter in law have been more of a support,but even they don't really know how I hurt inside and the lonliness I am going through when the key turns in the lock at night,Iam on my own with all my thoughts and memories of our life together,so so happy and in love after all the years together.
                                                                                  Thanks for your support. :hearts:

Offline Karena

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Re: Loss of my soulmate of 52 years
« Reply #3 on: August 03, 2016, 08:18:32 PM »
Dark nights are very difficult I have SAD as well so especially so.It makes you inclined to just give in and throw in the towel.But with the SAD Keith made special effort,fire lit hot meal just extra looking after.
After he died the first winter was dreadful but I didn't help myself . didnt put the heat on or light the fire,didnt bother cooking just dragged myself home from work and went to bed.It has got better since because even though the cosy nights on the sofa with him can't happen I remember the effort he went to to look after me and it seemed like a betrayal to not do it myself..
So the next winter in advance I got a stove,not possible in every house I know but any radiant heater with a focal point helps,I made and froze pots of soup and stews ,stockpiled summer fruit and froze that too,so no effort to cook but nourishing comfort food to hand,and got a routine to make the time pass quicker.Even a boring routine can do that.I also make sure I get outside at lunchtimes if at all possible to make sure I got some daylight.It hasn't cured the SAD neither did he, but it has made it more bearable and that's something I have learned to do myself because I had too.
But at the same time as preparing ahead there is Autumn to come first,and it is the most beautiful time.So if you possibly can try and think about arranging a treat for Autumn,even if its just a walk in a forest,focus on that now and distract from thinking about winter now.

Offline Hubby

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Re: Loss of my soulmate of 52 years
« Reply #4 on: August 03, 2016, 11:42:20 PM »
Hi Colin. It's hardly any time at all since you lost Pat. Like you I see little point in anything and struggle to see any future. I spend my time trying to keep myself occupied just to keep my mind off my loss but have little interest in whatever I am doing. They say time makes things easier but I guess it has to be a lot of time, probably measured in years rather than months.

Hopefully one day we will wake up and be able to think fondly about how lucky we were to have been blessed with our partners without the accompanying tears. Until then we plod on, one day at a time.

Take care.

Offline colin

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Re: Loss of my soulmate of 52 years
« Reply #5 on: August 04, 2016, 11:19:28 AM »
Hi everyone,
              Thanks for all your support at this sad time, I like many others thought that we would go on for ever and grow old with our love ones.When you suffer the loss you find it difficult to accept and cope with life,I Blame myself for not doing enough to protect my darling and have failed in my duty as a devoted Husband,people say that to think this way is not true and I did everything to try and make Pat better,how I loved my darling no-one will ever understand,only people like us on the forum will understand as we are all in similar positions Life will never be the same again,day to day exsistance is the norm and the pain goes on forever.
                                            Best Wishes to everyone. :hearts:

Offline Karena

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Re: Loss of my soulmate of 52 years
« Reply #6 on: August 04, 2016, 03:54:30 PM »
HI Colin
I think everyone on here will have gone through the guilt/blame thing its something we all experience in one way or another.None of us have hindsight and none of us can do more than our best to care for some-one which i am absolutely certain you will have done. :hug:


Offline colin

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Re: Loss of my soulmate of 52 years
« Reply #7 on: August 04, 2016, 05:03:45 PM »
 Hi Karena,
                Thanks for your reply and kind words,my Pat had horrible time whilst she was in the Q.M.C.no-one seemed to care if she had a drink or food,just left to her own devices,she could not feed herself or even drink,from a bubbly outgoing person she turned into a shadow of her former self,this on its own wrecked me and my son so much we insisted that she came home and we would care for her better,she came home and past away 7days later,the last thing she did was to stroke my beard,she could not tell me she loved me,her touch will stay with me forever and I will hold that feeling in my heart,Iam so so heartbroken.
                                                               best wishes.
                                                                      Colin.

Offline Karena

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Re: Loss of my soulmate of 52 years
« Reply #8 on: August 04, 2016, 11:18:03 PM »
 :hug: the lack of care before you took her home is in no way your fault. It shouldnt happen and all too often it does .but you acted on it and took her home something I,m certain she would have been glad of
.My husband could not speak at the end either but you dont always need words to communicate love.

Offline Hubby

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Re: Loss of my soulmate of 52 years
« Reply #9 on: August 04, 2016, 11:41:41 PM »
Don't blame yourself Colin. We all seem to go through the guilt phase with all those 'what if?' And 'if only' unanswerable questions running riot in our heads. It's a normal part of our brains trying to make sense of what has happened.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Loss of my soulmate of 52 years
« Reply #10 on: August 05, 2016, 08:12:32 AM »
What a beautiful memory, that touch of your beard  :hearts:  sending a hug xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline colin

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Re: Loss of my soulmate of 52 years
« Reply #11 on: August 06, 2016, 03:23:43 PM »
Having a really bad time, 17 weeks to-night, my darling lost the fight to life,At this moment I cannot see the point in me carrying on with my life,I miss my darling with all my being,can't live without her for ever,she was my true love and I will always cherish the life we had together,but at this moment in time   Ijust can't see a way forwards,spend most of my days alone,sometimes not seeing a soul all day,waiting for night to come,dreading the next day starting bringing more hurt and pain and lonliness to my broken heart. :sad:

Offline Julie Magson

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Re: Loss of my soulmate of 52 years
« Reply #12 on: August 06, 2016, 04:00:10 PM »
Oh Colin  :hug: I think we all know that terrible feeling. Just keep posting on here, I know it's not really what you want to be doing but I hope it helps. We've have somehow just got to take those baby steps each day and accept that there will really bad days and better days. I can go whole days without speaking to a soul so I know what that's like. Can't wait for bedtime but don't want to get up again. If it's any help at all it's all 'normal' whatever that might mean right now. Would you consider joining a bereavement group through Cruse or anything like that?

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Loss of my soulmate of 52 years
« Reply #13 on: August 06, 2016, 04:52:17 PM »
It would be good if you can find a local group, or even try some local classes.  Its the last thing we want to do, but being with people is important for our health.  It will help you cope a bit.  Initiating some kind of routine will help too, having structure in the day helps with our grief
If you can't face meeting new people, start with a walk, even if it is a small one to the corner of the road, get out of the house for a bit, or sit in the garden, being out (and in nature if possible) will help you too
Try to eat healthily too.  I know the last thing you may want to do is eat well, but if you do these things it will help your body and mind cope just a little bit better
Sending a hug.  Remember baby steps  :hug: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Loss of my soulmate of 52 years
« Reply #14 on: August 06, 2016, 08:19:02 PM »
I spend quite a few weekend not speaking to another person even five years on,but I have got used to that and what Emz says about nature is right,the first time I even smiled and got through the fug in my brain it was a robin singing,seemingly so determined to not let me ignore it.For a brief moment I felt the sun on my back,it was brief but it was a moment I clung on too when the black clouds came back,and I started looking for the robin and at the same time started looking at the world again.Its a long process and you're at the beggining of a very unpleasant roller coaster ride,My hubby is still a very important part of my life and knowing what he would have said still shapes my decisions,its a bond that doesn't break but moves forward with you.