Karen

[Adrian]

Your words are a comfort. As always. The reason I could not go to Karen's funeral was for fear of being stabbed. So a request for a tiny portion of the one I loved more than any of her family, would be met as you can expect with contempt. But a lovely thought. To have her with me for the rest of my life would be perfect. But I am dealing with the lowest form of pond scum you could imagine. I do not have contact with any of her family because they blame me for her death. Even though the autopsy came back natural causes, it was my fault. And my biggest problem now is I also think that is true. I am now back at hospital out patients on emergency basis and have psycho nurse phone each day. I am going to go with this last attempt to straighten my head but if it fails then I return to my plan. I know hat to do and how to do it. There will be no mistakes.
This might sound a bit dramatic but I am not prepared to live like this. I thank you for all o your kind thoughts and words. You are amazing.
Adrian.

[Emz2014]

I'm positive it was not your fault, it is your grief which is making you believe that.  It's normal to feel we should or shouldn't have done something.

Have you already got a counsellor to talk to?  Can you speak with the crisis team regarding your thoughts?  It does feel extremely painful right now but it's such early days.  There is hope, and that's what you need to hold on to.  You have previously mentioned they suggested talking therapy. Please find a counsellor aswell - it doesn't hurt to have as much support as you need right now.

Have you been seeing your friends?  You said you had contact with karens friend, can you have contact with her?  It is good to have some company when you can
And don't forget, if you can't get hold of the crisis team then the samaritans are always there.  xx

[Adrian]

It will always be my fault. She was in my care. I let her down. I have reached out for help and am to start this afternoon. Friends?????
Karen's friend knows how much she means to me. She knows how much I need her. She has offered little. But that's people for you. No councillor. Feel very alone. She has gone. I am lost.

[Karena]

I hate seeing you in despair like this.Please don't let that pondlife win by their views on this.It sounds very much to me from what you have said about her life before she was with you that by blaming you they are trying to get rid of their own guilt about their part in her life.Being so down and already blaming yourself they have made it worse by doing that.
You havnt said exactly what happened and I know it may cause you too much pain to do so,but it seems to me who is always drawn to the sea,that as an adult,if I go in there then no one  is to blame if something goes wrong unless they physically hurt me.I once watched a friend jump in and the shock of the cold caused him a heart episode.He got himself to the beach but in the water i could not have got too him quickly enough even from shouting distance.The water was calm,there were others of the group in there too,no way could we have forseen it,so if the outcome had been serious we would not have been to blame, but we may have believed we were because grief bends our minds so cruelly. Do you think she would blame you or be really upset to know how you are blaming yourself.
My personal belief is that we have a spirit or soul which leaves when we die not staying with our body,not in a grave or our ashes. Taking it from a scientific point of view,all of us are made of and by energy.When our body is too damaged to repair it no longer needs energy so there is no energy in us.But all energy transfers to other forms.We can't see energy only its effects but it is never lost from the world,and so it makes sense to me that what we call our soul or spirit,or consciousness, the thing that makes us more than just a body is made up of that energy and can exist outside our body.Consciousness is what makes us aware of our desires but that is triggerd by reactions tied up in that energy.The things that brought us together,genes or chemicals that created attraction and bonds between us remain.So even though we draw comfort from having Ashes we don't need them for their energy to be around us.
Please take all the help you can get,but also please remember that even though you think you don't have friends,you made some new ones the instant you made your first post here.

[Adrian]

I am trying to use this site. I am not good with computers I am not good with techy stuff. I cannot see how to talk to others. None of this makes sense. But you are there and it is obvious you know what you're talking about. So I talk to you. Please be patient with me.
Adrian

[Karena]

You're doing fine with the techy stuff. To get to the chat room you have to go to www.berevementuk.co.UK on Google.On the home page is a list of links.its on the left hand side of the page.The link to forum would bring you back to here.About 2 from the bottom of that list it says live evening chat.If you click on or press that it takes you too the chatroom login.It asks for username,just use the one you put in here to make life easy.That should then take you to live chat.I don't usually go in there because its obviously much faster than here and I struggle with small tablet keyboard don't have a proper computer at home.
You could also try the Facebook group but you would need to create a Facebook account first.Its a closed group which means no one from outside the group can see what you write there.If you can manage to set one up send me a private message here with the details.Facebook name etc and I will send you a friends request.You have to accept that and then I can add you too the group.
I am here usually in the evenings but not all the time.The Facebook group is bigger with more people.Also a lot of people are logged in there permanently on their phones so when someone posts in the group the phone notifies them.For me this is a more  comfortable space and it is easier to answer at length,and Facebook is for more general stuff although still very supportive,so I use both.
I won't lose patience,don't worry I might not be logged in to answer straight away but I will always answer when I am.

[Adrian]

Don't do Facebook. Not really interested.. will write down what you have said and see what I can do. Don't hold your breath. But thank you. Only just found out I can increase size of screen. That's the problem of being on your own. Karen was the techy lady. Used to get so frustrated with me cuz I just didn't really want to know. Not my thing. I'm an outdoors man. I don't watch TV, I don't play computer games. I am a dinosaur. But I need to talk because this grief is killing me. And I have, at present, no back up. This may change this weekend as I've asked for help again. I've told them this is my last attempt. If I'm failed again then I shall take matters into my own hands. Plans are in place and I have told them so.
This is not a plea for sympathy. It's fact. I cannot and will not go on like this. It's too much to bear.  I am sorry to put this on you but I am sitting here alone, very very sad, and no one to talk to. What a sad way of life. You people are wonderful. Keep up the good work.
Adrian.

[Adrian]

Have tried what you said. My login already there. Won't let me in. Give up. Goodnight.
Adrian.

[Emz2014]

Try this link to the chat room tomorrow evening Adrian (can try tonight, I just dont know what time people are in there until)   http://bereavementuk.co.uk/chat/

Give the chat room a try - it is extremely isolating and lonely at the moment, but that can and will change.  Hold on in there and give it some more time xx

[Karena]

Being outdoorsy and not playing computer games doesn't make you a dinosaur,or if it does then I am one too.Facebook doesn't have to be cute kittens either.You can chose how much or how little you want to take part and if you chose to just be with the one fb group you can.
.Being outdoors and into wildlife my other groups include sea watch,dolphin spotting,Sanparks and Kruger,as well as BBC spring watch.TV has its moments too,things like frozen planet are fascinating.
I don't know in what way outdoors appeals to you,but I,m 100% certain its a healthy place to be.I never feel alone in the garden, because there is always wildlife around.A walk or other outdoor exercise is a good way to counteract depression or anger.Walking very fast up the hill behind my house has saved my sanity when it comes to feeling angry with neighbours actions recently,
It is a travesty that more professional help isn't easily found,we are not professionals but we do have experience of this journey.

[Adrian]

Haven't been on for a while. Hospital. Sort of breakdown. Out now and trying to work. I am completely lost. I am a shell of the man I was. I cannot get over this. Loosing Karen. Not sure I want to stay here.  Little support, few contacts, no interest, no future no hope. So what's the point. Suppose I'm reaching out. Again. It's all I do. Look for help. Not much out there. No funds. Will try to speak again.
Adrian

[Karena]

Hi Adrian,noticed you were absent.
Have they given you any anti depressants,if not it might be worth a word with your GP I couldn't take them but I did get counselling through GP practice.
Trying to work is a positive step,even though when I went back neither heart nor soul was in it,and I made mistakes,luckily not too drastic,but it does at least give the day some structure.
I spent my whole adult life being a carer,Gran then kids then mum then Keith,with no one left to care for I couldn't see any point too my life either,caring for myself was always second to caring for others,I didn't know how to do it.No future no direction no one needed me,but over time I worked through it,gave up looking for direction or purpose and focussed instead on just getting through the next hour or next day rather than think about an empty future.It took 5 years to think about direction,how to use what skills I had and learn new ones so I can actually feel I have something to give.Things will fall into place You may never be the same person but that doesn't mean you will always be a person who feels they have no purpose.There is no such person,the homeless guy in Manchester probably didn't think he had but if he hadn't been where he was he wouldn't have been able to help those kids.That's big scale,you know you've done that kind of thing,but some things you don't know,perhaps smiling and saying good morning to someone will make a difference to their day and ultimately their life,you would never know it had,but that doesn't make it any less valuable.

[Adrian]

It's the hopelessness, emptiness, hollowed pit of stomach  ache. Probably self pity. I'm still crying for her. I have never in my life felt so absolutely awful. I have a plan to end my life. No a plea for help. I've thought it through very carefully. No coming back. But I am frightened.
Not brave enough tonight. Will I ever be? And yes I'm on anti depressants and diazipam. I don't know what to do. I've got a 24 hr hotline number. But these people who come every other day don't do much. Not a lot of help. So whats the point of calling them. I wish I had the courage just to pop my stash. It would be all over then. No more pain. I don't know what to do. Lost. Wilderness. My love has gone.

[Karena]

  I imagined if there is such a thing as an afterlife and we do get to meet again,how short the conversation would be and how angry he would be if I actually went through with it after he fought for his life,
I don't know if there is anything like that ahead of this life,none of us do,but I want there to be and,I want to be welcomed with loving arms not anger or tears,and I want to have a longer conversation,to share adventures and everyday stuff just like we did when he was here.I realise that I might be wrong that there is none of that,but I realised I wasn't prepared to take a chance on it,and decided that I will live my life for him,be his eyes on the world,somehow make myself get through and start doing that.I have no regrets on doing that and it certainly wasn't easy but I,m glad now that I did.

[Adrian]

Words and thoughts taken on board. I'm still here. Why I don't know. Frightened. Went to a mental health group. Last minute invite. Was reaching out and invite came back. I was the only male. Felt better for sharing. I do not suffer on my own.  But I do suffer. And that is so so hard. Karen and I were a miss match in so many ways. But our love was true and special. I have a broken heart that will never mend. I have an empty shell that will never be re filled. I have so much love in me that has no where to go. I have a future, should I go that way, that will be empty and devoid of my one true love. But I have just a little hope tonight. Might not stay with me but, here now. Stash still there as an escape clause, but put away in cupboard for tonight. Being alone for the rest of my life frightens me as much as ending my life. Catch 22 . I am going to try harder. I have a neighbor who is in this line of care. She is coming round tomorrow. We see how it goes. Thank you for being there.
Adrian.