Author Topic: Karen  (Read 170 times)

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Offline quietstorm

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Re: Karen
« Reply #15 on: July 16, 2017, 12:30:00 AM »
Adrian I have just replied to a lovely reply message you put here for me. I didn't see your post here. I am so sorry.
There are no words really. I totally understand not wanting to carry on. Everything seems so pointless.
I won't go on here, there are some lovely people replying to your post xx
Please just know Im thinking of you.
What a dreadful and terrible thing to happen.
I'm just five months on from Steve going to work and never coming home. The house is silent even with the radio on. I cope because of my dog. She was our world.
Stay with us Adrian xx
Take it minute by minute hour by hour and know that your darling Karen would understand  :hug:xxxx

Offline Adrian

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Re: Karen
« Reply #16 on: July 16, 2017, 10:00:09 AM »
Just an additional note. Although I have been discharged from hospital, post traumatic stress disorder, and am now under GP, I don't expect a great deal of help. Not the sort I need. So this forum, the first I've ever been on, I think could be my talking therapy that I have been told to seek. One group in Walsall have already said that although I'm on thier list, they have no funding so cannot say when or even if they will be able to help me. Quite lucky I found this site. And thank you again. If I start to repeat myself or get boring and maudlin , you have my permission to shout at me. I've had my cry. Time to get on.

Offline Karena

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Re: Karen
« Reply #17 on: July 16, 2017, 10:05:37 PM »
Your words remind me of part of a poem my husband wrote." Despite Brocken feathers and tired wings never forget that every bird sings."
At the moment there is a blackbird in my garden.It looks like it had a narrow escape from a cat but every day it gets a bit better regains another feather here and there and looks a bit fatter.It lives under a holly tree and although initially waited until the other birds had finished feeding before dashing out and grabbing the scraps from the feeders now it appears as soon as the food does before i leave because it has worked out the others wont come while i,m still there. So it has found its own way to survive.All I do is put food and water out.
The thing with some birds and other animals is that when something bad happens including bereavement.They do go too a safe space and nurse their wounds for however long it takes,coming out only to find food and water.Its a natural instinct.Us humans with our rushed lives and our so called rationality have lost some of our instinct and pressurise ourselves to conform.We think crying is weak,and yet crying is a natural thing,part of our physiology.We think grief will go away after the funeral or after a period of mourning decreed by what is nothing more than Victorian ethics,even though Victoria herself grieved for much longer.Recovery from any injury whether physical or mental trauma takes as long as it takes.Healing is a process it can't be rushed or bypassed.So take each day as it comes and as much time as you need.One day that blackbird will sing,and one day you will notice the sun on your back hear a bird singing and smile.even if its just for a fleeting moment,it will be a defining one and one that you can cling too through darkness ahead because once you've done that you know you can do it again.Those moments will get longer and more frequent over time.

Offline Adrian

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Re: Karen
« Reply #18 on: July 16, 2017, 11:01:52 PM »
Dear dear Karena, I read your words in our bed,  just trying to settle. I have drugs to make me sleep. The nightmares are unbelievable, so I have prescribed. They are very old. Don't even dream. Your thoughts and words are like a bed time story. I am calm and ready for sleep. I am off to work for the first time tomorrow. Only doing a couple of hours. See how I get on. But I feel more confident tonight than I have before. This site, some friends, a few texts and phone calls. It's made my day. I am just about to go kiss my ladies pictures goodnight. There are 8 of them and I take my time with each and say a few words. I used to say to her, looking her straight into her eyes, I love you, I love you, I love you. Then a gentle kiss with love and passion. I will never find this again in my life. It was a once in a lifetime opertunity. She has gone, and I am left.
I thank you for your kindness, your thoughts, your time. You are a special person. Goodnight Karena. Bless you.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Karen
« Reply #19 on: July 17, 2017, 01:55:52 PM »
I hope your return to work has gone ok. People often find the routine/distraction helps but don't feel bad if you need a break now and again  :hug: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Karen
« Reply #20 on: July 17, 2017, 07:53:20 PM »
Hope your work was tolerable at least,None of this is easy. :hug:

Offline Adrian

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Re: Karen
« Reply #21 on: July 18, 2017, 06:42:59 AM »
Tuesday morning, awake by 5. Picked up memorial box yesterday. Just as expected. Just what I wanted. Made very bad mistake of reading through small number of cards Karen had sent to me over our brief time together. Absolutely sobbed my heart out. Grief worse than ever. Big big mistake just before bed. Didn't think. Probably set myself back weeks. Lesson learned. Always been one to try to run before walk so a lesson to any poor soul going through similar to me. DONT RUSH IT. Very bad nights sleep and feel totally heartbroken again this morning. Have spoken with her and explained my position. She is staying on her dressing table till I feel a very great deal stronger. I advise anyone else in my position to do the same. It makes me wonder if Karen's rotten family are going through the same. Still feel very sorry for her mom though. Karen's good friend who had started texting me has now stopped. She was my last contact with Karen's past. She knew this as I specifically told her. So I'm on my own now, like so many others, with a few photo's and some beautiful beautiful memories. It does not appear to be getting any easier. I miss my lovely girl. Used to sign off with her on text with 5 kisses. XXXXX

Offline Karena

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Re: Karen
« Reply #22 on: July 18, 2017, 09:26:03 PM »
Don't rush anything is really good advice,but also don't think that breaking down  is some kind of failure,it isn't.Its a roller coaster journey and sometimes it feels like something puts you back at the beginning, but there are no ways to short cut it.
Breaking down is normal,not a set back not a failure,that's what I meant about being kind too yourself .

Those memory's,those photos that make you cry now will in the future also make you smile through those tears,That's what a memory box should be for,but that doesn't mean you can't put them away for a while or go through them a little bit at a time.It was at least a year before I could even open our wedding album.CD,s got put into two racks,Those that were zero risk those that wern,t.But no matter how you try and protect yourself there is always the unexpected.The song on the neighbours radio,a distant view of someone who looks like her,an irrational disappointment when some one comes into a room and its not her.Or something completely random that you didn't forsee.
I don't really prescribe to grief theory's,the idea that we all are the same and we and our grief can be put into a nice little file.But the famous five stages one ends with acceptance.For me acceptance meant accepting grief,and that these things will happen,there will be breakdowns and bad days,I will be impatient with myself for still grieving,I will be tired of grieving,but that's the state of play.If you break your leg,you don't expect to run the next day,you know it takes time to heal,casts crutches , operations casts crutches,physio,falls,faltering steps,slow walks,building up slowly,and possibly always having a limp,With a Brocken leg we accept that,grief is invisible,no cast no crutches but we do need to take time to heal in the same way.

Offline Adrian

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Re: Karen
« Reply #23 on: July 18, 2017, 11:19:51 PM »
As always, your words are thoughtful, compassionate and knowledgeable. I once again am in your debt. I am on a little bit of a high tonight. I have tonight had a tattoo. The first in all my long years. Karen tried on multiple occasions to get me tattooed. It was a standing joke. I always resisted. Until tonight. Karen had an arm tattoo that said STRENGTH HOPE WISDOM.  Small scrolls and 3 flowers, in pink. I took this picture with my experienced daughter to an artist and had same tattooed on my right arm. Adding in tasteful script underneath,  HAPPINESS LOVE JOY DEVOTION. All words we exchanged. Just this simple act of perpetual remembrance, I can see every day on my arm has made me so happy tonight it's like a revelation. Not for everyone but has done me a power of good. First thing I did when home was to go upstairs to our bedroom to show her. And I told her how much it had made me happy. In one of her photo's she has a radiant smile, I took that one to be she's happy with me. I loved that lady,  I love her this minute. I will always love her. This tattoo is a catalyst to my love for my special lady, Karen. I will say goodnight to her now, infront of you so you know just how much she meant to me and how much I miss her. Thank you so so much for listening to me. This has been so hard to bare. You being out there has helped. Please don't let go of me yet.
Adrian.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Karen
« Reply #24 on: July 19, 2017, 07:20:24 AM »
That's wonderful Adrian  :hug:  I had another tattoo after losing my dad, specifically for him, it does feel very special and I love it xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Karen
« Reply #25 on: July 19, 2017, 08:21:03 PM »
Don't worry Adrian this place and those of us in here are going no where.I think you  being drawn to the smiley picture is a sign of approval. You never have to stop loving her,or break the bond between you.The nature of the bond does change,because the physical being has changed and we have to cope with that change and with ourselves being changed by it.But it is like elastic it changes form stretches and then moves back together you never have to break it.

Tatoos seem to be today's theme,I have just replied in Woody's post,he is thinking of getting one too.The design on my avatar is one I drew with the intention of it being a tatoo but I never actually plucked up the courage to do it.Perhaps I should take inspiration from the three of you and get on with it.might wait until after my visit to ZA in November.Then it will be another year before No 1 daughter spots it.Perhaps I should do it on the next annual meet up then you lot can march me through the door and feed me prosecco beforehand.

Offline Adrian

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Re: Karen
« Reply #26 on: July 19, 2017, 08:40:43 PM »
 What is avatar???
I cannot recommend a tattoo more highly. Choose your artist with care. Recommendations only. I have had no problems and the process is not at all bad. 24 hours on and I have no irritation or soreness. I and all who have seen my tattoo, including my 87 year old Aunt, have said it is tasteful and artistic. But the most important aspect is, it pleases me. It's what I wanted. Karen will now fore ever be with me. That means more than the world to me. I cannot recommend more highly. GO FOR IT.

Offline Adrian

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Re: Karen
« Reply #27 on: July 19, 2017, 10:15:37 PM »
I'm still a little confused about who sees my messages. I'm not sure how this works. Am I replying to the whole site or to individual's? Anyway, to all. I have just been told that Karen's family, quite rightly, have kept her ashes. That means I have nowhere I can go to grieve my beloved ladies demise. Totally shut out. The bizarre part is I had showed her more love and devotion in our few years than they had in all thier collective lives. She had been systematically let down by each and every one of them from the age of 12 . Even to her last few days she stays with her best friend who phoned both mother and sister to tell them what they had done between them. Karen had self bused with a knife from wrist to shoulder. At least 20 nasty cuts. I helped bathe and cream them. But she was so happy to be going away with me next day said little else about it. It had happened before. And I picked up the piece before. I just wish I had cancelled the trip. I just wish and wish and wish. Don't seem to be progressing. Got two docs too see now. Any ideas people. I need help. You see, I still love her to bits and kiss her photo's goodnight and good morning.  Those pills are in my mind again tonight. No more pain.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Karen
« Reply #28 on: July 19, 2017, 10:35:10 PM »
On the forum everyone can see your posts .  If you want to communicate with one person it would be through the 'my messages' section

You can choose anywhere you like to be a special place for you to visit - it could be somewhere that meant something to you both or choose somewhere you like.  The place where my dads plaque is isnt actually where he is and not a place we went together, but we chose there and I always feel at peace when I go there - it's like a set meeting place, somewhere I can go and sit, take flowers etc. 

Its really painful now, but hold on in there. You're not alone here and people here do understand the journey.  Its a rollercoaster but you can get through this  :hug: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Karen
« Reply #29 on: July 20, 2017, 08:52:43 PM »
Hi Adrian.The Stated is the little picture next too our names.Don't worry about who can see your posts,we are all here for mutual support but we,re also vigilant about trolls.Emz and I are moderators so we are here a lot,

Re the ashes if the family are at all amenable I wonder whether they would let you have a tiny amount to put into a small jar box or piece of jewellery.If not then as Emz said there are other ways to find a place to grieve.Perhaps planting something,there are official memorial woodland. I bought a plaque,not a traditional type but one with a. Poem on,which I attached too a large planter,there is always something blooming in there and his favourite plants.I also planted native daffodils in some of our favourite spots.Once when we were out walking we went up a hill and overlooking an amazing view I found a poem laminated and tied too a tree.It was from a daughter to her dad,and clearly the place had had meaning too them.It was very moving,and also I thought a beautiful idea.

It is clear that everything you did was through love and caring including booking the trip.You were a shining light in her life and brought her some comfort and happiness where it seems others did not..What happened was in no way your fault.
As Emz says hold on in there,I know life feels unbearable but I promise it will get better,its not a cliche but it takes a long time to believe that.