Author Topic: Is it normal to feel this way and How to move forward  (Read 2286 times)

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Offline Amz

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Is it normal to feel this way and How to move forward
« on: September 24, 2017, 09:03:41 PM »
Hi I am new to this all and have never posted on anything like this before. I am struggling a lot I lost my mum 2 years ago to cancer and honestly was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. My mum did everything for me and my big brother on her own as I never had any contact with my dad.

During my mums fight with cancer my dads side of the family got in touch to say my dad was also fighting cancer and wanted to get back in touch with us. At this point my main concern was my mum and making most of the time we had left together. I took two months off work to care for my mum and although it has tramutised me for life what I had to see my mum go through I would care for her all over again in a heartbeat.

When it was nearly my mums 2 year anniversary we got the call to say my dad was very poorly in hospital and didn't have long left, my brother decided to go see my dad and I decided not to. My dad died a week before my mums anniversary (only ten weeks ago)and it hit me hard... the guilt I feel so guilty for the lost father and daughter relationship we could of had. I know deep down it's not my fault as my dad walked out on us when I was just 8 but I feel guilty and I feel guilty to my mum that I feel guilty my dad is dead if that makes any sense.

I feel so lost without my mum and wish she was here to get advice. Things are happening in my life and I wish she could go through it all with me but I have amazing people around me which I am very lucky to have as not many people do. But it's just not the same when it's not a hug from your mum.

I just don't know how to feel about it all.. I don't want to talk about it to my friends coz I feel they must be sick of hearing me talk about it all the time. Is it normal to feel guilty?

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Is it normal to feel this way and How to move forward
« Reply #1 on: September 24, 2017, 10:29:27 PM »
Guilt can be a normal part of grief.  Its a rollercoaster with lots of different emotions.

Sending a big hug  :hug:  hope it helps to be able to talk through your thoughts and feelings here xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Is it normal to feel this way and How to move forward
« Reply #2 on: September 25, 2017, 04:37:08 PM »
 :hug:I met my dad only a few times before he died. I think for me losing my dad, having just found him created a feeling of great regret that we didnt have chance to know each other - so no memorys to hold on too -where-as with my mum who died later and again with my husband too,  i do at least have plenty of those, not just memorys but knowing they loved me.

But when i met my dad, my mum was happy with my step father and ok about it. Had she been ill at that point in her life i wouldnt even have considered  going ahead with meeting him but done exactly as you did and made her my priority. 
I did go see him the day before he died, because i was pregnant i had been kept in the dark by well meaning but misguided relations so it was a bit sudden ,not exactly the same as you, but still some guilt that i hadnt made more effort to cram  more time with him in, - hindsight doesnt change things.
For you having cared for your mum and the trauma you had already gone through it is completely understandable why you didnt go, and there is no logical reason to feel guilt, but grief and the guilt we all seem to feel during it at some point of its horrid journey doesnt come with logic attached.