Author Topic: Really can't copei  (Read 12936 times)

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Offline Twinkle

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Really can't copei
« on: December 19, 2017, 06:49:03 PM »
Since  losing Mum I am just getting worse rather than better,I  I  lost her in August, suddenly and was a massive shock, now I don't know how, or even want to carry on, my husband whom I do love is a drug addict and was really close to Mum but has gone right off the rails, my siblings do not feel the same as I do, I looked after mum these last few years and I miss her all the time, with Xmas coming it's even worse, I have a plan when mum's stone is down I will join her and Dad,  I just don't want to do this anymore

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #1 on: December 19, 2017, 10:45:24 PM »
Im afraid grief is not a linear path, it's a rollercoaster and can be so challenging and painful at times.  But I assure you, just as the seasons continually change the feelings you have now will not remain constant/forever.  At this stage you will very likely find it so hard or even impossible to believe - but this pain will change

You need to find whatever hope you can hold on to - there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, despite how dim it may appear at times

Do you have anyone close you can talk with?  At the very least please speak with your GP and let them know how you are feeling.  There is help available out there.  It's a hard journey, and harder when you're supporting a partner, I know that myself

Always remember there's the samaritans too, I know of another member who struggled with these thoughts themselves and the samaritans really helped.  He has survived through and is seeing better days nowadays.

 Sending a huge hug.  like one of my favourite poems says, rest but don't quit  :hug:xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #2 on: December 20, 2017, 06:36:28 PM »
Thank you,  I' know that poem I think, rest if you must but you must not quit...i have never been a quitter until I lost Mum suddenly I didn't have anything to hold on too,  my husband can't cope, is a drug addict and only functions like a normal being when I am okay, but I am not okay,  I actually don't want to be, I want the world to see and feel what I am,  how pathetic is that? I do have a couple of people I could talk to but I try not too, they don't deserve to have my misery thrust upon them. I have thought about the samaratins and maybe I will speak to them, I just feel my burden is not fair to put on others, if one more person says your Mum would want you to be happy I will scream,  my Mum is with my Dad now and I do take comfort from that but I just want them back as without them nothing has any meaning x

Offline Karena

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Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #3 on: December 20, 2017, 06:55:09 PM »
 :hug:
As Emz says it isn't a straightforward journey.In the early days you are in a state of shock but there are always the distractions of arrangements for funeral and sorting paperwork out,then people go back too their lives and somehow you get left behind and start thinking you should be able to do the same which makes you pile pressure on yourself at a time when you need to be kind too yourself..For you,also when your husband is not able to support you and isn't really coping himself and Xmas coming up so soon it makes for a really tough time.

As Emz said don't be afraid to ask for professional help,I got counselling through my GP which helped,but its important you are honest about your feelings with them.
I struggled for a long time with similar thoughts but then imagined if there is an afterlife and we really are with our loved ones,how would that conversation go.
I know my husband would have been disappointed if I had thrown away my life after he fought so hard to keep his,and angry that I had created even more hurt for the family.
I know that my daughters would have been left with the horrible guilt and anger I was feeling even though they had tried their best to help me,I would in a way saying to them that I didn't love them enough to stay.
Then there would be the other part of the conversation,which would be very short,the one where I filled him in on what was going on,the things I had seen places I went how would that go if I had nothing to say.
So I decided I would try and be his eyes,see the beautiful things in the world he would be missing,do some of the things he would have liked to do,and try and live my life for both of us as a tribute too him.It wasn't easy and there were a lot of times I wanted to give up, the black clouds of those early days are still just over my shoulder but much further away and i know if they do catch up again i will run faster than them because i have done it so many times now .I have made it through six years now and those thoughts of joining him before my time have gone because in living life for him I am learning to live it for myself too.

Offline Karena

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Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #4 on: December 20, 2017, 07:02:54 PM »
Sorry our posts crossed then.In reply too your second post,one thing my councillor did say ,as I also felt I didn't want to burden friends with how I was feeling,was to imagine if it was one of them who was in my shoes.Would I feel burdened if they talked to me,or would I want to help them anyway I could.I think we know the answer too that because of course we want to be there for friends as yours will want to be there for you.
Aside from that writing here might help too,the act of writing alone can be part of that,and we will be here for as long as you need us to be. :hug:

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #5 on: December 20, 2017, 07:47:18 PM »
Thank you, what you say makes perfect sense, and I know both Mum and Dad  would be horrified if they thought I was throwing my life away, and of course were the situation reversed I hope I would be there for my friends, I just don't want to keep on to them about it. I want to be selfish and the whole world see how I am feeling, but of course that can't happen, I have had 3 counselling sessions but it wasn't bereavement counselling, writing on here really does help but I just feel so lost and pathetic, the flashbacks cripple me and I want to back to that night and save, no one seems to understand, they say she was old she wouldn't have wanted to be kept going, this includes my 3 siblings, but they don't know, they weren't there, they didn't have to pump on her chest to keep her alive or tell the paramedics to stop I was completely alone and it's how I feel now

Offline Karena

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Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #6 on: December 20, 2017, 08:12:13 PM »
 :hug: bereavement counselling is different but I,m also wondering if maybe there is an element of PTSD going on.I think it would be a good idea to go too your GP .
I really don't like when people make assumptions based on age,and it does set off another string of empty platitudes that can get on your nerves.People don't intend to be upsetting when they say these things.My gran was 96 when she died but could easily have beaten a 70 year old in a race.My mum was only 68 ,but age was irrelevant in grief because both had been the foundations of my life.

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #7 on: December 20, 2017, 08:23:01 PM »
The doctor did say there was some ptsd there and the counsellor tried a rewind technique on me, which did help for a short while. I know I had it today someone said to me she was a good age, and she wouldn't have wanted to carry on, and that their Nan was 94 and last few years of her life they wouldn't have wished on anyone, I smiled sweetly and said Thank you, but at that minute I would not have cared if mum was 250, I just wanted her back!

Offline Karena

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Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #8 on: December 21, 2017, 11:47:41 PM »
 :hug:

Offline Woodlands2017

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Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #9 on: December 22, 2017, 06:21:55 PM »
So sorry to read this thread. So hard on you.

I am new here and my dear step-dad died last Sunday quite suddenly. I can't say much but I can relate to that sense of desperation and hopelessness. I am just in a daze not believing he won't come back. Also feeling very isolated.

Thoughts with you - even though you sound distraught, I can hear strength. Agree about the annoyance of people saying he would want you to be happy. I keep feeling like, well why does that matter, he's not here. How can someone just go like that...

Octavia

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #10 on: December 22, 2017, 06:47:35 PM »
It really is such a rollercoaster. Just when we think we have worked through something it comes back and hits us again.  Concentrate on little steps and dont be alarmed if it feels like 2 steps backwards sometimes.  Be gentle with yourself  :hug:
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Lyn Taylor

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Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #11 on: December 22, 2017, 06:54:46 PM »
Twinkle you should be grateful people are trying to help and get a grip on reality! You are lucky people are replying and trying to listen and help.

Offline Lyn Taylor

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Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #12 on: December 22, 2017, 07:16:36 PM »
I lost my dad and am totally devastated but I owe it to my dad to get on with life and there is only so much other people can do and say. I don't mean to sound harsh but wallowing in this devastation doesn't help. You need to move on and do so for you and your mum. Her life was not about your suffering. A parent wants their children to live on and find some happiness x

Offline Twinkle

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Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #13 on: December 22, 2017, 07:37:54 PM »
I appreciate what you are saying Lyn and am sorry you lost your Dad, I lost mine 25 years ago when I was very young, I thought the whole point of this forum was to be able to express how you are feeling and coping, or not coping, or indeed just an outlet to express how you are feeling at the moment,  I am not wallowing, I am trying to survive a day at a time, and I thought this would be the place I could say what I am feeling at the time, but it seems I was wrong, I am still alive, I am still functioning but I miss my Mum dreadfully and the horror of having to do CPR on her haunts me and yes I will get better but at the minute I am struggling not wallowing.

Octavia am truly sorry you are  feeling ,like this it is hard and very early days for you,  you will be in shock and like a robot, try to take a step at a time I hope you will gradually feel a way forward and not so alone,  am sure the people on here will help you, I doubt now will be posting on here as I feel now that I am in the wrong, but you keep going and I wish all of you the strength to deal with whatever comes your way x

Offline Woodlands2017

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Re: Really can't copei
« Reply #14 on: December 22, 2017, 07:43:48 PM »
I'm really sorry to hear you don't feel you will be posting.

I for one feel everyone's feelings are valid and legitimate. You're obviously suffering and no one should be judging whether that is right or wrong or something you can control. None of us can control how we feel and this needs to be a safe space.

Hope upon don't give up on the site

Octavia